Episode #1.2

I've had it. We'll retreat and wait for relief troops.

The year is 50 BC.

All of Gaul is occupied by the Romans.

All? No way.

One small village of indomitable Gauls still holds out.

Yes, yes.

All right, but life's not easy

for the Roman legionaries who garrison the fortified camps

of Totorum, Aquarium, Laudanum and Compendium.

Metadata, that's enough!

Can't say that to Caesar. He'll throw us to the lions!

But all of Gaul is not occupied. To say that would be untrue.

Yes, I know, but trust me, it's fine. It's almost occupied so we say "all".

But "all" and "almost" are not the same thing though.

They are, more or less.

What do you know anyway? You've never been to Gaul.

I'd be better off there than in this dusty cellar.

Hey, stylus-pushers! What you doing? They're waiting for you.

-What? So Caesar's here? -He's on the way.

And my uncle?

Oh, yeah, he's there for sure.

Oh, hang on, I've got another one. Have you heard this one?

Do any of you know the difference between a Gaul and a wild boar?

Eh? No? Nobody?

Well, one is covered in hair and goes…

And the other one…

is a wild boar!

A wild boar!

No, 'cause you thought I'd say

that the other one was a Gaul, didn't you, eh?

'Cause wild boars are very hairy and go…

But I didn't!

And that's the joke!

Oh.

-Ave, Caesar! -

And so, for your triumph, we have created…

a mosaic!

A mosaic?

Voilà!

I do confess a little bias,

but I assure you there's good reason.

See here, good against evil, okay?

Half of your imperial face on the left, and a smaller one on the right.

Vercingetorix! Okay, so what does it illustrate?

The might of Rome,

and how she dominates over the weak. You see?

As for the form, we've tried to break the mould.

Not classical, no pastel. Just a lotta red! Boom!

All the focus groups gave great…

I wanted a bold concept to mark my triumph,

and you give me a mosaic?

What a silly idea. No.

Very well. Check out this one.

I know what you're going to say. It's another mosaic.

But this is your triumph, Caesar!

What do we want to say? What's our key message?

-That all of Gaul is occupied! - Erm…

Yes, Mummy? Go on.

Er, "all of Gaul is occupied"?

No, no. One small village of indomitable Gauls still holds out.

-Mummy, come on. -Hmm?

It's one small village. We can say "all".

Yes, it's more or less all entirely occupied

without exception I assure you.

Yes, but one village is not quite all.

-Fastanfurius! -Er, yes?

Why are those Gauls, why are they still… Gauls?

It's because of their magic potion.

It gives them superhuman strength! It's impossible to…

"Impossible" is not Roman!

I want to see those Gauls grovel before me,

for them to submit to Rome's power, once and for all!

And to obey the laws of Rome!

Ahem. There might be a way…

by using Gallic law.

I'm sorry, Caesar.

My niece does have a habit of talking out of turn.

Metadata, keep quiet and put on a toga. You're dressed like a barbarian.

The year is minus 50, I can wear what I like.

Fifty before what?

O Caesar, I am sure you are familiar with the Big Fight?

What? Yes, yes. Am I ever.

When a Gallic chief wants to take control of another village,

he challenges the other chief to a fight, man to man.

The chief still standing at the end becomes the chief of both clans.

So, if a Gallo-Roman chief, a Gallic chief committed to helping Rome,

beats the chief of the indomitable Gauls,

he will be the new chief for both clans.

And the Gauls will then be Roman?

Gallo-Roman. But yeah, you can say Roman.

We'll defeat and humiliate them all!

And we will see them caught out by their own traditions!

Enough of mosaics!

The Big Fight will celebrate my triumph!

A spectacular show!

And they will bow down,

all those Gauls prostrate on the floor before me!

They'll kiss my boot!

- -

J'adore.

You're in charge of organizing the Big Fight, Bigfarma.

Er, Metadata. My name's Metadata.

Start packing, you leave for Gaul tomorrow.

For Gaul? Thank you, Caesar, thank you!

Fastanfurius, you'll give her a hand with logistics.

He's coming too?

Succeed, or I'll throw you to the lions.

- -Lions, er… the animal?

With the long hair?

Caesar has spoken!

I'll go, I'll see, I'll conquer.

Oh! That's a very good phrase, we'll get it engraved.

And then I'll come back,

I'll tell you all about it,

and… I'll have a bite to eat.

Hmm. Maybe not that one.

-Huh? -

- -Now, children! Now, children!

The Romans haven't bothered us for 30 days.

Thanks to our druid's magic potion,

we are and will remain indomitable!

- -Long live our druid!

Long live Getafix!

Thank you, my friends. Thank you.

But…

-But! -

We have nothing to fear, but the sky above falling upon our heads.

So, let's give thanks to Toutatis with this banquet and these offerings!

I composed a ballad for Toutatis.

And it is called, "Toutatis, Totally Yours".

-Asterix. -Hmm?

Listen, erm, can I say this?

"This menhir is just like our village, solid as a menhir".

Oh yeah. Very nice.

I mean, comparing the village to a menhir and all that.

Nice. But you do know you're saying "menhir" twice?

I know, but there aren't many ways to say "menhir", you know?

-I know. You are right. -What if you said it with a song?

- -

Impedimenta, weren't you and Vitalstatistix

going on a trip to Lutetia?

Yeah, but what with the invading Romans, looking after our hut and all that,

it's hard to find the time.

Yeah. I hear you.

Even so, we go tomorrow. Don't we?

-Right, Piggywiggy? -Huh?

-Lutetia, tomorrow. -Oh, yeah. Sure.

Hey. Easy does it with the sauce.

-Why? I'm giving thanks to Toutatis. -In Lutetia, it's only vegetables.

Come on, it's just fat. It's never hurt anyone, has it? No.

- Offerings! -Oh. Huh?

-Offerings! -Okay, all right.

Now whose is this offering?

- Speech! - Obelix!

- Speech! - Obelix, give us a speech!

Come on then!

Er…

"This menhir…" Obelix, "This menhir…"

This menhir…

- Louder! - Speak up!

- -

Okay, Obelix feels this menhir is just like the unity of our village,

solid as a rock.

- -Yeah!

Solid as a rock, that's what we are!

-Thank you, Asterix. -That's what friends are for, right?

Mmm.

Potus?

Yeah?

Po-po-tu-tus?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?

Potus?

-Huh? -Potus!

- -

Who's that?

Oh, relief troops. Oh.

Guys, it's the relief troops.

Yay.

-Were you just under attack? -Huh?

Oh no, no, no. No, it's just that yesterday,