Scenes from a Mall

Put it... Put it on... Put it in the back. Don't...

- Here. Take the... Hey... Will you just... - Fifty bucks? That's not enough.

Hey, will you stop bothering with money all the time?

Put... Put... Put that over there. This is top-of-the-line stuff.

- Take it easy on that, all right? - You'll be all right, Mr Fifer.

Get it... Get it in there. And don't... Try not to scratch it against the brace there.

Dad, Billy's father gave him a gold card.

I don't care what Billy's father gave him. You know... What are you talking about?

- What are you telling me? Fifty bucks is not enough for three days? - No.

- Fifty bucks is not enough. - No. - We need dinner. We need lunch. We need video games.

Well, forget it. You're not gonna get that. And every time you roll your eyes, it's gonna be ten bucks less.

- So... - That's not fair. - Okay, so now it's 40 bucks.

- That's... - Forty bucks? - Yeah, yeah. And you give me that look, it's 30 bucks.

- It... - Come on. Be a... - All right. Now it's 20.

- Boo! - No, I'm not gonna take that. Fifty bucks is plenty. - Boo!

Listen to this, Dad. They got more money than we did.

Your cheering section is not gonna get you off the hook here.

They're gonna... These guys are gonna bury you. Now forget it.

You know, this is... This is a lesson on how to cope with the Depression.

- The Depression? You didn't live through the Depression. - You know, I don't...

Stop giving me that. Have a good time. And don't...

You know, fifty bucks is a lot, believe me. If you need more, call me.

You know, but...

Take care of her. And let her... Let her... You know...

It's okay if you ski down the cornice, but don't tell your mother I said that.

No, don't tell your mother. Don't tell me anything.

I don't want to know. Oh, gosh, I'm gonna miss you.

- This kid wanted my gold card. - Take care. - Okay. - Can you believe it?

- Bye, Mom. - See you Thursday. But wear... - Don't forget your thermal socks, okay? - I won't, Mom.

- Bye, Mom. - Don't scratch the boots if you can help it there. - All right.

- You know, that stuff costs a fortune. - Bye. Have a good time, I guess.

- We'll see you when... - Be careful. - See ya.

- That fast. - Gee. - The kid wanted my gold card.

- Can you believe this? - Gee, it makes you feel irrelevant, doesn't it?

I think we've... we've committed ourselves.

We've done our duty, you know, to civilization.

We've procreated, and now we can die.

Debbie, tell the guy that delivers the newspaper not to, you know... He's gotta put it in a plastic bag.

- Honey, I've told you a million times, no more plastic. - It's moist. It's moist.

- I know. It's moist, but it's also non-biodegradable. - Look at the thing.

- We can't do this any more. - I'm starting to feel guilty that I didn't give them enough money.

Well, Nick, they have to have a sense of the real world.

So why am I so guilty about it? I know what you're gonna tell me...

That I... That I... That I have to be the loved one all the time.

Well, you don't mind being the bad guy in business.

In business, I'm a... I'm a killer.

And you're a... You're a killer in the marriage business.

- But a sweet killer. - The very sweetest.

Aw. What did you just do?

I'm drying the paper.

Cindy...

Daniel...

Nora.

I'm going to put Marty here in the middle.

Oh, gosh, if he starts with that Kennedy assassination again...

- I'm gonna put her next to Marty. They're gonna get on great together. - Yeah.

Phillip... I'm gonna put here at the end, otherwise he'll hog the entire conversation.

Well, the only way this guy w-won't hog the conversation, I promise you...

is if you don't invite him, 'cause he's just gonna rant on.

Oh, Arthur said he... he couldn't come. He called to say so.

What... Arthur's at a s... a "Save the Bats" convention.

You hear about that? He's in Houston.

Isn't that incredible? Suddenly bats are... are vital for the ozone layer.

I'll bet ya Phillip told him that.

Let me tell you something. If Phillip starts in with me one more time...

I promise you, about "New York is the cultural center of the world"...

and "Los Angeles is... is a barren desert"...

I'm... I'm gonna stick my fingers in his eyes.

- Come here. Happy anniversary. - Aw!

I was hoping you'd say that.

Do you have any interest at all in making love? Can I interest you in that?

Do we have the time? I thought we were gonna take a brisk walk.

You know, we always do it on the anniversary.

- Okay. If we hurry, we can do both. - Well, I'll hurry.

...to be able to enjoy what I have coming up for you, it's this.

Take a look at this ring. It's the most beautiful cocktail ring you've ever seen...

in a graceful waterfall design.

- It's set with both the baguette... - The sound of ripping Velcro.

That's the quintessential sound of the 80's, right?

- Or is this the 90's? - Honey, I don't know. - I can't get the decades straight.

Do you think I should put Nora next to Daniel?

Yeah. You had to mention it.

- Am I getting fat? - No. - I am, huh? - You're crazy.

- No. You know... M-Maybe a tiny bit, just as a... - That's it. That's it.

- I'm going to a spa. - You don't need to lose weight. - Seven hundred and fifty calories a day.

- Really? Where's that, Auschwitz? - Worse. Pritikin. Come on. Come on. I thought we were in a hurry.

- I can't. I gotta get my pants off, otherwise I can't be effective. - Come on.

Okay. Oh, g... Hey...

Oh, you...

Now, if you're out there cleaning house, doing dishes or doing something else...

stop what you're doing, come on over to the screen...

and start dialing 1-800-555-3456...

- Honey, it's me or the ring. - Why? Because we are going to offer this today for about 50% off retail.

- I'm sorry. It's my favourite show. - Eighty-five dollars.

- Don't wait. There are a limited... - Okay, I choose you.

Oh, I can't believe this!

I'll get it. It's mine.

Hello.

Yes, this is Dr Feingold-Fifer. Oh, hello, Elizabeth.

No. No, you're not calling me at a bad time, Elizabeth.

You know you can always call me.

Oh, I see.

Well, we discussed that, didn't we?

I- I-It's natural that there would be a period of mourning in a situation like this.

Yes, I know he acted inappropriately...

but you cannot control how another person acts.

You can only control how you act.

I see. Well, listen. Elizabeth, if...

You know, that's an excellent idea, Elizabeth.

Why don't you, um, call your friend and see if you can visit her?

But don't hesitate if you need me.

Yes. My service can get me anywhere.

All right. You know, Elizabeth, you're doing fine.

You're welcome. Bye-bye.

Oh, that poor excuse for a husband left her three months ago.

She's finally starting to feel it.

They should give you double when they bother you on the holidays.

Oh! Oh! I...

That's me. That's mine. That's mine.

Hello?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, Mrs Fong.

Yes, yes, hello.

You're right. No, tod... today... today's the day.

Yes. Abso... No, no, no. I'm... I'm... I'm gonna get him...

I'll get him double what McEnroe got, I promise, for... for... for... for everything.

Th-Th-That's for... for sneakers and tennis rackets and wristbands.

Yes. Y... Stop that. That's terrible.

M... Mrs Fong... No, no, n-no.

M- Mrs Fong, your son's gonna be the richest 13-year-old tennis prodigy in the world, I... I promise.

N- No, I... I won't do anything without checking with you.

No, I... I pro... I have a beeper. You'll be able to reach me no matter where I am.

Y... Okay... Mrs Fong, I have to go.

Yes, I promise. Okay.

- Shh, come on. - I think Mrs Fong is jewish.

- Oh. - Come here.

Oh, honey. Happy anniversary, baby.

- I adore you. - Oh, I adore you. Kiss me.

- Did Cindy get you yesterday? - Mm-hmm. She called my office.

- See, I think she wants a recommendation. - And I suggested Branfman, 'cause he's so good with couples.

I- It's the second marriage for both of them, you know?

- It'd be great if it could work out. - Yeah. I love them both.

- They deserve it. - Mm-hmm.

I was thinking about this the other day.

The... The two of us, in all our, you know...

in our whole group, we're the only two that have been married for so long to the same husband and wife.

- Well, what about Isaac and Nora? They've been married for a long time. - Isaac and Nora, sure.

But Isaac and Nora live in two separate cities for the last nine years...

so, you know, it's easy for them to relate to one another.

- You can't count them. - We are pretty amazing, huh?

- Yeah, I know. Sixteen years is a modern record. - Yeah.

Seventeen. Seventeen.

Seventeen. Right. So we count the year we lived together as seventeen years?

- I always do. - I know. I always... I repress that.

- Why? It was a great year. - I don't know. 'Cause... 'Cause you didn't want to split the rent.

- Congratulations. - Oh, you too.

- What do you attribute it to? Our... Our... - Professionally? - Yeah, yeah.

- Or any way at all. You know, what's the secret of our longevity? - Oh, I don't know. Let me think.

- I have my own theory about this. - Commitments. You know what? I have to admit it.

- It's a mystery. I have no idea. - Is it?

- No, I have no idea. - 'Cause I have a definite theory. - What's that?

- Can I say what it is? - Sure. It's... It's the meaningless little things.

It's the corny things. It's-It's-It's, you know, the kids...

and... and, um, our memories together...

and the fact that we take trips and laugh at the same thing.

- You know, the... the corniest things. - Oh, really?

Yeah. A-A-Actually, when I was outside just now with Sam...

You know, I was helping him, y-you know, load his skis...

I... You know, the kid's practically a man, and I wanted to just pick him up...

and kiss him and hug him, and the same with Jennifer and you.

- You know? I-I know this sounds... unbelievably corny. - Oh.

Oh, no. More, more, more, more, more.

- Oh, that's the family line. - Don't get it. Y-You know...

- Let's just leave it. - It could be about tonight though.

Hello. Hi. Hi, how are you?

Yes. Oh, thank you.

Yes, thank... It's Sheila. She's... She's wishing us a happy anniversary.

- Thank... Yes. - Hi, Sheila.

To... Uh... Tonight, about seven-thirtyish, I would say.

Right. Uh-huh. No, it's gonna be...

It's... It's gonna be an oriental motif, so it'll be, you know...

What we're discussing here basically is sushi. So you should bring...

You should bring Kirin Light if you're gonna bring anything.

Right. Oh... Oh, incidentally...

you know, we're gonna be seating you next to Phillip...

so... so you'll want to bring your earplugs.

I... I just thought I'd warn you. I know how you feel about that.

Okay. Okay, yes. Uh... Listen, I love you too.

I love Sheila. I just wish she were a little less anxious.

- Well, I like her exactly the way she is. - Uh-huh.

I think you like her 'cause she's got a great body.

Sheila has a great body? You must be joking.

- Oh, you rat. - She's your best friend.

- More your friend these days, ever since we went to China together. - No, it's...

Remember how the two of you took that long hike up the Great Wall?

I have nothing to wear. You guys didn't come back for four hours.

- You had the flu, remember that? - Well, so did she!

And ever since she broke up with Claude... gee, whiz... it's hard to keep her out of the house.

Claude was a moron, a complete moron.

You don't think I had a thing for Sheila, do you?

No, not at all. Well, hmm, maybe just a little.