The Office

So, coasting time. It's officially over.

Big changes are coming, and they're coming fast.

And if you don't like them,

this is called a door,

you can walk right through it, all right?

I'm not here to be your friend.

I like my life outside of this place.

I live to leave at 5:00.

Change number one: Darryl.

Per your request, the company is sending you

to business school at night.

Full ride, deal with it.

Seriously?

Stone cold seriously.

They are trying to figure me out,

and I don't like it.

Once they figure me out

they start to tell me what I want to hear.

And I need to quickly figure out who's a good worker,

and who is simply a good mind reader.

Because as soon as I'm hearing what I wanna hear,

I'm not gonna care.

Toby. You're getting a new chair.

- Nice. - Don't thank me.

Hey, don't thank me, guy.

Okay?

And I don't care if you like it.

These sound like good ideas, why wouldn't we like them?

I don't care what your favorite flavor is.

Here's a bowl of ice cream,

you either like it or you don't.

That's my attitude right now in this room,

that's my attitude on ice cream Thursdays.

All right?

Clear? Any questions?

This all sounds great to me.

But I could see how some people might

think that they're bad.

I don't know what to think.

That is a--

An astute observation, Kevin.

Kev's got me pegged.

It blows away Vermont in the fall.

Snap, for real?

- Not even-- - Good morning, Deangelo.

- Hold on, Pam. - Okay.

And if you're really serious,

you should go in the spring.

- 'Cause of the flowers. - No.

Because the entire state smells like earth.

Dogwoods, or just the earth?

Yes, Pam.

Hey, well, good morning.

I think I have good news for you today.

I found your new executive assistant.

My friend Carla.

She's got great experience,

we even considered making her Cece's godmother.

But she had this boyfriend at the time.

But here's her resume. Put it with the rest.

Okay.

Hey, dudes. Hey.

Hey.

- Oh, my God, he hates me. - No, he doesn't.

You just get so nervous and hyper around him.

I know.

Every time there's a silence,

you're brain's, like...

Is that what he tells you

at your little inner-circle meetings?

Careful, there is no inner circle.

Oh, there's an inner circle.

Oh, yeah.

There is no inner circle.

Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things

to a few guys.

Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle.

I also say that,

because I am also in the inner circle.

Did you get that, ma?

Your boy, Kevin Malone, is in the inner circle.

Which doesn't exist.

There he is.

Got you a coffee.

Oh, wow, thank you, that was so kind of you.

Not a coffee guy I take it, huh?

It's just that I own the coffee shop.

So once you've seen sausage being made,

all you wanna do is make sausage.

'Cause it's so much fun.

Listen, I've got a sixer.

"Automatic for the people," on the jukebox.

Let's hit the park after sundown, come on.

Pick up some sausage if you want.

I think you'll find what you're looking for over there.

No matter how many times

I reach out to Dwight,

he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me.

It reminds me of my relationship with my son.

Except there, I'm the Dwight.

Who's the biggest client in the state?

I say we go get 'em, whatever it takes.

Huh, what do you guys say?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Huh, right? - Let's do it.

Or my other idea, 50,000 tiny clients.

Yeah, I say that we just go for it.

Whoa, is that ball lighter than usual?

Is that a Chinatown knock-off?

That's "toys r' us" I think.

No, that's definitely a knock-off.

You can feel the center of gravity is off.

Feel that, what do you think?

Oh, yeah, totally.

Jim, you got ripped off big time.

Deangelo!

See what I did there?

Oh, that's what you need to do.

Just add a little English. The British are coming.

- Yes. - Deangelo's open!

Hey, Ry.

Your department's killing it, baby.

Hey! My pleasure, my treasure.

Keep it up.

The problem with having "it,"

or, "the x-factor,"

or whatever it is you wanna call it,

is that it's impossible to put into words

what you're bringing to the table.

So to make things simpler for Deangelo,

I just, without lying, strongly implied that

I'm Kelly's supervisor.

It's not even that much of a stretch.

She pretty much does whatever I say.

What?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Why should I pretend that you are my boss?

Because what would you have done in that situation, Kelly?

I'll tell you what I would have done for you.

I'd lie for you.

Yeah, but you lie all the time.

You lie for no reason.

Ryan, you just like to lie.

I'd die for you too.

You really would?

Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have

those call logs on my desk,

we're just gonna have to evaluate

your future at the company.

- Sure thing, Mr. Howard. - Whoo.

Glad he's not my boss.

Ooh, you're the best, thank you.

You know I have a cousin who cracked the secret formula

for a certain popular cola that I shall not name.

So I've never had to buy it.

True story.

I just drink my cousin's.

Congratulations on your one cousin.

I have 70-- Each one better than the last.

You know what?

Straight up, why don't you like me?

I'm just not a suck-up like everyone else around here, okay?

I do my job well, so why don't you just

leave me alone, and let me do it.

Okay?

Oh, no.

- Wha--? - Okay?

I'm gonna win you over. No, you're not.

- Yes, I am. - No.

- Oh, yes. - No.

- Yes. - No.

- No. - Yes!

- Yes! - No!

- No. - Yes.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes! - No, no!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Uh-oh, this former administrative assistant

misspelled "administrative," and "assistant."

The winner.

Under "special skills," Mr. Don finer put "juggling."

What's wrong with juggling, Darryl?

I'm a big juggler.

I actually perform a motivational juggling routine.

- Seriously? - Oh, yeah.

I'd do it for you here but, uh,

what would you say this room is?

3oo square feet? 320?

320, just freeballin' it.

It's a little cramped.

How many square feet out there?

17-18 hundo?

Oh, I think it's 18 hundo.

Give or take.

Sorry, gang.

Thought my juggling stuff was in the trunk of my car,

but it's not.

Oh, no, do you think it was stolen?

I got you covered, boss.

Used to play with the parabolas myself.