L.A. Story

My name is Harris K. Telemacher.

I live in L.A. and I've had seven heart attacks...

all imagined.

I was deeply unhappy but I didn't know it...

because I was so happy all the time.

I have a favorite quote about L.A. by William Shakespeare:

He said, "This other Eden... demi-paradise..."

This precious stone, set in the silver sea of this earth...

this realm... this Los Angeles.”

Anyway, this is what happened to me...

and I swear, its all true.

Watch out L.A.! It's major gridlock out there this morning.

Big hold-ups on all the freeways and surface streets, so don't expect...

Hey!

No, no, no, no...

- Harry! - It's the perfect situation!

- I'm telling you as your agent. - I can't be in a parade!

I'm in the news. You won't see Diane Sawyer or Dan Rather...

- in the Hollywood Day Parade. - 15 seconds to air!

Oh, 15 seconds... What good is it gonna do me...

to stand in a convertible and wave at people?

It's gonna make you beloved.

Waving is not what I do best. It looks fake.

That's a great wave! That's a great wave!

Look, I have to maintain some dignity. People have to respect me...

So they'll believe what I'm telling them.

This is news! This is truth!

Now, Harris Telemacher with his report.

Hey, hey, hey, it's time for the wac-wac-wacky Weekend Weather!

- Let's look at our weather map. - Oh! Hey! Whoa! Watch it! Oh, sorry.

We're going to have a low coming in over "Pasadna..."

Sorry, that's Pasadena... A low here...

No, down there... We were going to have clouds...

in Beverly Hills, but the Council voted, decided against it.

So there'll be no rain in Beverly Hills. We'll just have some sun...

and snow... 72 and snow. That's what we'll have.

And now the car phone report.

Sunspot activity is at a minimum this week.

So those with car phones will have little or no interference.

So go ahead and make that big important call. You probably won't be disconnected.

And that's my report. Gail and Bob...

Harris, somebody told me you have a PhD. in Arts and Humanities.

- Oh, yes, I do. - A lot of good it did you!

Harris, what's wacky?

- What's wacky? - What's wacky about your last forecast?

- To me it was pretty wacky. - No, not wacky.

- Not wacky? - Yes. That's we bought with you, yes.

You're doing some kind of intellectual stuff.

Intellectual stuff? Maybe intellectual for you...

because you were educated with a banana and an inner tube.

Are you kidding? This is an intellectual free zone!

- More wacky, less egghead. - More wacky, less egghead...

Thanks, thanks. Let me make a note of that.

"More wacky, less egghead." What was your name again?

- We're late, aren't we? - It's only one o'clock.

That's what time we're supposed to be there. You know, it's my mistake.

If I say lunch is at one, then I figure if I get here at 12:40...

we'll get there in plenty of time. Which is fine.

But what I don't count on is the 20 minutes of abstract busyness...

- that goes on after I get here. - I'm doing 30-minute lips.

Besides, they can wait. It's not gonna kill them.

What I can't figure out is that you look ready.

You look so ready that I get ready...

and I get up, I stand by the door, and I get out my keys.

Then, after I stand there about 10 minutes, I realize you weren't ready at all.

So I sit back down. Then I get another feeling that you're ready...

and I getup and I straighten my clothes.

Then I realize you just gave off an illusion of being ready...

that I interpreted as not being an illusion.

I'll be in the car.

Sitting there at that moment, I thought of something else Shakespeare said.

He said, "Hey, life is pretty stupid..."

With lots of hubbub to keep you busy but really not amounting to much.

Of course, I'm paraphrasing.

"Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

You look nice.

- Do you like this one better? - Uh, yeah.

- I can change. - No, that's all right.

Tell me again who we're having lunch with?

Friends and friends of friends, and some of my gift-service clients.

- Frank will be there. - Frank? I just saw Frank.

He wanted me to be in a parade.

I mean, if it weren't impossible for me to fire people...

I'd get somebody else, somebody like Harry Zell.

It's 1:20 now. 20 minutes past the hour of 1:00.

If you sense something in the air today, it's not the smog, Los Angeles.

It's the first day of spring, the spring equinox.

- Which of course means... - What did he say?

- He said, it's the first day of spring. - Oh, shit.

Open season on the L.A. Freeway!

Where is it? Look in the glove compartment!

- Here it is! - Is it loaded?

- Just two bullets in it. - Load it! Load it! Hurry! Hurry!

- Get over! What's the matter...? - These are old ones. Do bullets go bad?

No, it's not like milk! They don't have an expiration date!

- Hurry! - Here!

- Don't point it at me! - Sorry, I don't know gun etiquette!

You son of a bitch!

Better not ruin our brunch!

- Reload! - Okay, all right!

- Be careful with it! - Sorry!

- Don't point it! - You little cooker!

- My hair! - Did I leave my blue pants at your apartment?

Yeah. I took them to the cleaners.

I'm not gonna kiss anyone hello anymore. I hate that.

- Just shake hands with them. - I just washed my hands...

and some guy feels like he's been squashing caterpillars.

Cowls, party of ten.

Uh, yes. You're the first ones to arrive.

Right this way, please.

Hi!

Hi!

- Harris! - How you doing?

- Fine...! - No, you don't.

I hurt my back playing tennis.

Oh, hit

I think it was. We saw it together.

So, I see the film, and I'm gonna give it an 8 or a 7.

As I'm leaving the parking lot, I realize that Thurlon, the producer...

got this incredibly good space right by the exit...

and they put me far away in the back.

So I go on the air that night, I give it a 3.

Good for you.

Sheila has been studying the art of conversation.

- Oh, you're taking a course in conversation? - Yes.

One of the first things I always teach my clients is about the point system.

You should never have more than seven things on.

Your earrings count for 2 points. Those daisies count for 3 points.

The best thing to do is, right before you go out...

look in the mirror and turn around fast.

The first thing that catches your eye, get rid of it.

I mean. I had this thing in my hair before I left...

and I pulled it right out. 'Cause as soon as I turned, gone!

Marilyn Monroe did that.

Whatever you do, don't ever get dumped in LA.

It's not like New York where you can meet someone walking down the street.

I know, in L.A., you have to hit someone with your car.

I know girls who speed just to meet cops.

We met on a hit in West Hollywood.

Loud talkers in restaurants. That's it. I despise them all...

- and I want them to die. - There's Sara. Sara's here.

I don't understand why we don't shoot them like dogs.

Bullet in the head. That's personal.

- Because they're people. - They are not.

- Oh, please... - Hello.

- Hello. - I thought you were lost.

- I was lost. - Come in.

Let me sit you down.

Let me introduce you. This is Sara McDowell.

- Harris, Trudy. - Hello, hello.

- Frank Swan. - Hello.

- Shawn. - Hello.

- How do you do? - This is Cynthia.

- Sara just got off a plane from London. - You must be exhausted.

I'm shattered, but it's nothing some sleep and a good fuck wouldn't cure...

as my sister used to say.

You have to forgive Sara.

I'm sorry. It was just a figure of speech.

I've been on a plane for 12 hours, next to a crying baby.

That's bad.

- So what do you give the flight? - What?

- On a scale of 1 to 10? - Oh, an 8.

What would you like to eat?

- What kind of food do they have? - California cuisine.

And these goddamn wrong number dialers! What the hell do we do about them?

Sara, what do you do?

I'm here writing an article about Los Angeles for the London Times.

Well, you've come to the right place.

- What do you do, for a living, Rolly? - I deal in English paintings.

- Abstract or realistic? - It depends on which way you look at them.

What's this?

It's an earthquake. How strong is it, Harris?

I give it a 4.

So when an executive needs a gift for someone...

I get to go shopping, and I pick out something that's appropriate.

In fact, I gifted, right?

Sherman, Lee, and Rosenquist's entire office last Christmas!

Sherman, Lee... I think I received something from them.

- A stun gun. - That was me!

- You did the stun gun! - Yes. Monogrammed!

- Oh, great. - Did you get it monogrammed?

'Cause that was me. Somebody else was doing that.

- You know, she oughta interview Harry Zell. - Who's Harry Zell?

Harry Zell is the most powerful show business agent in town.

Beyond powerful. He's the fixer.

- Well, he's supposed to be nice. - He'd be a great client.

He'd never stab you in the back unless it was in self-defense.

- He's right. He's right. - Napkin?

- There was a Zell on the police force. - I think it's Harry, also, isn't it?

I keep thinking I'm a grownup, but I'm not.

- It'll have a decaf coffee. - I'll have a decaf espresso.

- I'll have a double decaf cappuccino. - Do you have decaffeinated coffee ice cream?

I'll have a half double decaffeinated half caf with a twist of lemon.

- I'll have a twist of lemon. - I'll have a twist of lemon.

- I'll have a twist of lemon, please. - It'll have a twist of lemon.

I would love to do a makeover on you.

I hope your nose turns out.

As far as I'm concerned, there are only three mystical places in the world:

The desert just outside Santa Fe, New Mexico...

the tree of life in the Arab emirate of Bahrain...