House Sitter

I'm really glad you can do this.

It's a big help.

Oh, no, Mr. Finch.

Actually, it's really helping me out.

I've been needing something like this.

Good.

So there's some things about the house that you should know.

Some of the doors like to stick.

So if you close one and it doesn't open, don't worry.

Just put a little effort into it and kind of pop it back open.

What else?

Oh, there's motion-activated security lights in the backyard

that some of the neighborhood animals will trigger.

So please keep all the exterior doors locked.

We don't want any reason for anything

to happen to you while you're at my house, you know?

Yes, sir.

Oh, and I know you had asked me to do this at your house alone,

but would it be OK if I had brought some friends with me?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, they can get in on some of that pizza

I'm going to leave you some money for.

Awesome.

Thanks so much, Mr. Finch.

OK, well, we'll see you this weekend.

See you then.

Hey, Dani, are you working?

Great.

I'm gonna come by the shop.

All right.

Bye.

Recommend.

Oh.

Hey, Dani.

Hey, what's up?

You good?

OK, so you are telling me that you want me to come house-sit

for this guy with you?

Yes, please.

And he's OK with you just having, like, random people

while he's gone?

Yeah, he's totally fine with it.

Like, I've actually known him for a while now.

He's super nice.

And everyone in the neighborhood likes him, too.

So it's more of just a safety thing, you know?

Girl all alone in someone's house,

it's a psycho killer's wet dream.

You're not wrong.

That is the premise to some of my favorite horror movies.

Exactly.

Oh, and he's leaving money for pizza.

Free pizza?

Mm-hmm.

You should have led with that.

You're right.

I know, all I have to do is just bribe you with food,

and you will do anything.

Hey!

Don't perceive me like that.

Maybe true, but it's not very nice.

Also, I'm gonna invite Blake to come, too.

And why would you do that?

Because he's my boyfriend.

And I think you two should spend some more time together.

Why would I do that?

Because you're my best friend, and you love me.

Again, you may be right, but that boy is a dickhead.

You're too good for him.

OK, true, but he's my dickhead.

And who knows, you two might actually

have something in common.

Who knows, I might bash my head into a wall.

OK, well, I guess we'll have to see about that

'cause I'm still gonna ask him.

Yeah, I know.

Wish you wouldn't.

Dani, at some point, you're just gonna have to accept it,

because he's gonna be around a lot more.

And, you know, we're getting more serious.

What?

Are you, like, getting married?

OK.

No.

Obviously, that is not the way I would tell you this.

You're not pregnant, are you?

OK, Dani, I can barely take care of myself right now.

Do you really think I could take care of a human child.

I'm just checking, OK?

You're always yapping about all that wild sex you're having.

Oh, my gosh!

You're such an idiot.

I'm just saying that him and I are getting

a little bit more serious.

So we're gonna be hanging out a lot more,

and he's going to be around.

OK?

Just get along, maybe.

All right.

Well, if that's the case, does he

have any attractive non-dickhead friends?

The comic book store isn't exactly

a breeding ground for hot guys.

Hmm.

I guess you'll have to ask him yourself.

Anyways, how has work been?

Same old shit.

Oh, there's this guy that came in, let me tell you.

We call him "backpack kid."

He always comes in, and he doesn't buy anything.

But he, like, quizzes everyone on superhero movies and shit.

But it's a trap.

Like, if you get in a conversation with him,

you can't get out of it.

So whenever he asks me about any movie or show he's watching,

I tell him I don't watch TV.

Dani, that's so mean.

No, it's not.

Trust me.

He's a lot to deal with.

He was quizzing me about a comic book,

and I told him I don't read comics.

Oh!

And he actually believed you?

You're literally working in a comic book store.

Yeah.

I know.

Hey, look, I am not one to judge because I'm

very passionate about my superheroes.

Actually, this guy came in, and I

got into a full-blown argument with him

because he said that Jared Leto was the best joker.

I should have kicked him out of the store.

I should ban his ass.

Like, are you telling me that you

could watch Heath Ledger act his face off in The Dark Knight

and just be like, yeah, you know, Jared Leto, he was better?

Like, come on, have some decency, man.

Dani.

Shit!

Like, throw Jack Nicholson in there,

and there's still no question that Jared Leto was the worst

one.

Dani?

Yeah?

You're kind of going off on a tangent

that I couldn't care less about right now.

So I'm gonna need you to just reel it back in.

Sorry.

It's that not everyone talks like we do in here.

Anyways, how's the job search coming?

Oh, my gosh, you know.

I put in a dozen applications for jobs

that I'm overqualified for.

But if you don't have at least five years of experience

and know somebody, you don't even get looked at.

But tell me, how am I supposed to get five years of experience

when I can't even get an entry-level job

without experience?

It just doesn't make any sense.

That's so frustrating.

Yeah.

I mean, I put in all this work, got the degree.

For what?

Just to work some part-time minimum-wage job

for the rest of my life?

No offense.

No.

None taken.

I am perfectly happy here.

It's where I belong.

Everything is just easier.

Hey, look.

You are the hardest-working person I know.

And your time is coming.

And when it does, I will be right here

by your side to celebrate.

There is no one that I want success for more than you.

Besides, who's gonna take me out and treat me well?

You're right.

I gotta take care of my hetero life mate.

Exactly.

You're the Jay to my Silent Bob.

Anyways, let's go get some lunch.

It's on me.

Thanks, babe!

Hey, Austin, I'm going to lunch.

Where are you going?

Jungle Jim's.

Give me a bongo burger.

Tell him to fuck it up with cheese.

You got it.

Hell, yeah.

Hey, baby.

What's up?

So I am house-sitting for this guy this weekend,

and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.

You want me to come house-sit with you?

Yeah, it's for Mr. Finch.

He asked me to house-sit for him.