Orange Is the New Max

¶

- Okay, "a" plus "b" equals... "c" ya later, homework!

Good day, m'lady.

Gideon.

If you're coming over to talk about dating me

or my mother, please move along.

Goodbye, m'lady.

- Oh, look, you're doing the math homework.

- It's nice to have my own personal nerd.

- Max, stuff like that makes me wonder

if you're really over your evil phase.

- Allison, I've told you a hundred times.

Why can't you trust me?

- 'Cause you were the only ten-time cover model

of "Evil Teen" magazine?

Look, I've changed.

I am no longer evil.

And I was on that cover 11 times.

- Hey, you guys. We have an announcement.

Oyster asked me out.

We're a couple!

Cue the screams.

Really, dude?

- What? Why should I hide my jewelry?

- I'm so happy for you guys. Come, sit!

Whoa! -

Oops.

Ow, heh-heh.

Guess these booths are kinda small.

Um, no worries. I'll go grab a chair.

Should we tell them the best part about our dating?

Oh, you tell 'em. No, you tell 'em.

- Okay, the best part is our new name is Choyster!

Get it? I matched "Cherry" and "Oyster" together.

- Way better than mine-- Cheroystererry.

- Hey, if you guys are Choyster, that makes us...

Mallison! Oh?

- We should totally double-date some time.

- What are you guys doing tomorrow night?

CHERRY, OYSTER, MAX, ALLISON:

- Would you look at the time.

Um, it's half-past I don't belong here anymore.

Uh...

so, I'll just, uh, excuse myself before this gets awkward.

¶

- Okay, here's another doggie, Chloe.

- This dog is missing a leg.

- It's way better than my worm.

- You're holding it upside down.

Oh, now I see it.

- Kids, your cousin Blobbin is coming over for dinner.

It's time to get ready.

Honey, are you still upset about your friends?

- It's gotten even worse, Mom.

They entered a doubles tennis tournament

on tandem bikes and then rode them

to get double-scoop ice cream. Look.

I've seen those.

I follow Choyster and Mallison on Chirper.

- Now my options are to either miss out on everything,

or tag along and be a fifth wheel.

Yeah.

- I mean, literally, I tried to catch up

with them on a unicycle.

- I know. I also follow Unicycle Fails on Chirper.

Honey, you're gonna be fine.

Just take the time to focus on yourself and...

whatever this is.

Or...

I'll focus on making a balloon boyfriend.

Choyster, Mallison, prepare to meet...

Ballonbe!

Hey, I'm actually getting pretty good at this.

"You sure are, Phoebe. I'd never ditch you."

What? I wasn't doing anything weird!

What have you guys been up to?

- Oh, we just went couples' beekeeping.

- We collected honey with our honeys.

- Bae, make me the luckiest broseph in the world

and take a photo of me at the Heart Tree tomorrow.

Yes, I will, Choyster!

- No, Choyster is a mixture of the bo...

Never mind.

Oyster, you're so sweet.

Hey, Max, how come we've never done that?

- Because I used to be evil.

What's your excuse now?

I just don't wanna.

- You will go if you wanna prove to me

that you're not evil anymore.

Or we can go to the Break-up Tree.

Is that real?

You wanna find out?

- Heart Tree, here we come.

Oh, sweetcious!

But we've gotta be ready.

Crazy Farmer Ted doesn't like kids trespassing on his farm

to get to the Heart Tree.

So, he booby-trapped the whole place.

- Rumor has it, if he catches you,

he'll feed you to his man-eating pigs.

- Wow! Friends, fun, and the possibility

of Max being eaten by a man-eating pig?

I am in!

- You're coming to the Heart Tree? With who?

- Phoebe, do you have a new bae?

- I mean, yeah. - Oh, not more screams.

- I can't wait to meet him. Ha. Ha.

Me, neither.

¶

¶ What you see ¶

¶ Is not what you get ¶

¶ Livin' our lives with a secret ¶

¶ We fit right in ¶

¶ Bet you never guessed ¶

¶ 'Cause we're livin' our lives ¶

¶ Just like all the rest ¶

¶ A picture perfect family ¶

¶ Is what we try to be ¶

¶ Look closer, you might see ¶

¶ The crazy things we do ¶

¶ This isn't make believe ¶

¶ It's our reality ¶

¶ Just your average family ¶

¶ Trying to be normal and stay out of trouble ¶

¶ Livin' a double life ¶¶

¶

- ...and when I woke up, we were somewhere over Guam.

That's the last time I let my dog fly my helicopter.

- It's even funnier the fifth time you tell it.

- Speaking of time, I bet you need to get going.

- Oh, yeah, we know how you trillionaires

have other places to be that aren't here.

- Actually, I have nowhere to be.

Oh...

- I'm out. My baby has to go night-night.

Oh, she's so cute, Chloe.

May I see her?

Oh, I bet she has a nice little bed,

with a nice, big dollhouse.

And a nice roof over her pretty little head.

- Uh, are you okay, Blobbin?

- No, I'm not okay!

I lost all my money.

- How? - What happened?

- I wanted to fit my entire fortune into my wallet.

So, I cashed everything for a trillion dollar bill.

But then I lost my wallet.

I have no money and nowhere to go.

Unless I can stay here?

- Ho, ho, I don't think that's a great idea.

- Okay, okay, you can stay in the yard.

- The garage. -

- All right, fine, the house.

- Okay, but only because you begged.

Speaking of begging...

Doggin, they said we can stay!

- Great! Now we have two houseguests that slobber.

¶

- You know, I've always felt we had,

like, a special connection.

I move here yesterday.

- It was an instant connection.

So, uh, are you gonna go to the Heart Tree with me?

- Crazy Farmer Ted's Heart Tree?

Coward!

- Hey, Phoebe, that guy who ran away from you in fear--

that's your new boyfriend?

Please don't tell Allison I was mean to you.

- Hey, Micah. You, me, Heart Tree?

No!

I wanna live!

- Dang it. Isn't there one boy in this school

who's desperate enough to risk his life for a date with me?

Good day, m'lady.

Good day, m'Gideon.

¶

- Blobbin is the worst houseguest in the world.

He keeps ruining our stuff.

- We had to replace our toothbrushes, robes,

Nora's beach ball and--

- What'd he do to my beach ball?

- Oooh, you do not wanna know.

- So what if Blobbin messes up our stuff

and Doggin farts a lot.

So many farts.

I'm with Billy.

Blobbin's not that bad.

- [high-energy music playing]

- What a great Blob-kwon-do workout, right, Doggin?

Ah! -

- He killed our TV. He's gotta go.

- Nora's right. It's time to ask him to leave.

- You're making a mistake, knuckleheads.

- What are you doing out here, Colosso?

- Who do you think fertilizes your flowers?

Now, listen, you're all about to fail the rich guy test.

What test?

Blobbin's not broke.

He wants to see if you'd still care about him,