Unconditional

MUZAK PLAYS

Choke her to death, then.

What, like, with a pillow?

- Yeah. - Like, when she's asleep?

Or drown her in the bath.

Yeah, I'm going to.

You're 30p short.

- Well, you're going to have to put something back. - It's only 30p.

Yeah, and it's only cos our mam's disabled.

- Yeah, we're young carers. - Nobody cares about us.

In your own time.

- Pick that up. - Piss off, munter.

You can call us what you like,

but I'm not checking your food through until you pick that up.

Oh, get off, you fat old, twat.

- How's your ma this week? - Not great, ta.

Well, she's not going to be, is she?

Fucking hate that woman.

Fucking hate not knowing any one.

Fucking hate the ones I DO know.

- You've got me. - Yeah, but you're my fucking brother.

- Well, go out more then. - Yeah, like with who?

Also, who wants to go anywhere round here?

Anyway, I haven't got any clothes, have I?

- Buy some. - Yeah, like I can afford that.

- Well, I cannot, either. - Yeah, but you don't mind looking like shit.

- Fuck off! - Who are you telling to fuck off?

- Fuck-arse face. - You, arse fuck-face!

I'm not an arse fuck-face, you fuck-arse face!

- You fucking...! - That hurts,

that actually hurts! Get off!

Right. You're dead!

You're actually dead!

Come here!

- Started what? - It!

What's it when it's in bed?

I don't fucking know, do I?

- He started it. - Don't swear!

Well, don't piss yourself, then.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Started what, anyway?

SHE GIGGLES

You buggers!

Bollocks, Mum, can you keep hold?

- You'll fall and smash your skull, OK? - Aye, then you'll be sorry.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Don't look at me.

Whoa!

SHE SIGHS

URINE FLOWS

Evening.

- Hiya. - You inquired about a loan.

You filled in a form, you wanted a visit from a representative.

- That was my sister. - Is she in?

So, Kristen Taylor, no middle initial, age 17, occupation - carer,

loan amount £500, API subject to credit scoring, purpose of loan -

home improvements.

So there you have it. Don't make your mind up on the spot,

a loan's a serious commitment.

If you've got second thoughts, have them now, not later.

But you're not going to have second thoughts, are you?

- No chance. - So I put it up to head office for approval.

- You happy with that? - Coolio!

- I'll get back to you next week. - Yeah, good one.

- Hello. - Evening.

- Next week, then? - What day?

I'll let you know.

Take care.

- Yeah, and you. - Yeah, cheers, Liam.

TV ON

'I cannot guarantee... I CANNOT guarantee

'you'll ever get this price tag again, that's why I'm...'

Beep-beep. How much is your wingback, there? £10.

£10?

You can't have it.

- Oh, come on! - No, no, no.

You be careful.

Hi, again.

Hiya.

- Cold, yeah? - A bit, yeah.

Not if you've been swinging, mind.

Sorry?

That keeps you warm, doesn't it, swinging?

Yeah, it does, actually.

- Is that why you were doing it? - Nah, not really.

So did you hear about the loan?

Yeah, I told you, next week.

That's your mum, right?

- Yeah. - What's up with her?

How come she's in a wheelchair?

Loads, everything.

Did she have an accident?

Nah, she's just fucked.

- So it's just you and your brother? - We're twins.

- You don't look alike. - Perhaps I'm lying, then.

See you next week.

Yeah. See ya.

DISTANT SIRENS

Ey-up, mate - how's it going?

Not bad, ta, and you?

Yeah, I'm always good.

On your own?

Kris and Mum are waiting for the doctor.

She all right, your mum?

- Nah, not really. - Sorry, mate.

She's always got something new, it's how we get our excitement.

How's Kristen?

She's not bad, ta.

She going out with anyone?

Don't think so. Why?

Just genuine interest.

Tell you what, mate, fancy a beer sometime?

- You, Kris and me? - Just me and you.

A lads' night out.

Do you play pool?

- A bit, yeah. - Any good?

- Not bad. - How about tonight?

What's that pub round the back like?

- Metropolitan? - I've never been in.

Me neither. Fancy giving it a try?

Yeah, yeah. OK...

All right, laters.

Just wear anything. You're only going to a pub.

How many pubs have you been in lately?

Everybody goes into pubs.

We don't.

Look, he wanted to ask you.

He only asked me cos he thought you were looking after Mum.

I couldn't say no, could I?

I'll ask him back here after. How's that?

If you want. I don't care.

Right, what you having? Bitter, lager, Guinness, cider?

- Cider. - Can I get a Guinness and a cider, please?

See that, eh? Learning from the master, here.

Right, now this one.

What the fuck!

Oh, I'm sorry...

- All right, all right. - Come here!

He's inexperienced, that's all. Here you are.

Get yourself a round in.

Chill out, mate. Yeah? Go on.

- Fancy coming into town? - Yeah, if you want.

Or you could come back to ours and see our Kris.

I fancy town first, to be honest.

Just need to check my e-mails. You coming in?

Come on, you might as well.

Nice, innit? Go on, mate, get yourself a drink in the fridge.

We'll have vodka.

Shot glasses are in that cupboard there, middle shelf.

Nice one.

Cheers.

Can I ask you something, mate?

Yeah, course.

Are you gay? Here you are.

Cheers.

No.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

- Why, are you? - Me?

Nah, nah.

How about you?

I just told you.

As long as you're happy, mate. That's what matters.

I wouldn't judge anyone that was.

Nor me.

It's the 21st century, for fuck's sake.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It wouldn't be my choice, mind.

Nah.

So what do you fancy in town?

Club, pub, bar, restaurant, what?

Tell you what. Do you fancy a laugh?

- OK, why not? - Yeah?

- You want a laugh? You fancy a laugh? You mean it? - Yeah, go on, then.

- Go on, then. Hold that. Here you are. Follow me. - Yeah!

Give us that. You sit down there.

Stay there.

Eh, eh?

Right, just leave that there.

Number two...

Hey?

HE GIGGLES

Right.

Go on, then.

Have a try, it'll be a laugh.

- Sorry, how do you mean? - Try them on.

- No! - Go on, it'll be a laugh.

You said you wanted a laugh, didn't you?

- Well, yeah... - Yeah.

You said you wouldn't judge anyone

and here you are judging yourself and you haven't even tried.

Have you ever worn Kristen's clothes?

A couple of times when I was a kid and she wore mine, but that's not...

There you go. It's just harmless fun.

Go on, get that down you. Go on.

Right.

All designer labels, top brands and that, look.

Eh? Designer.

Eh?

You know, but...

If it's a problem, we'll just leave it, shall we?