Jersey Girl

Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell.

You know what it means. Last week,

the assignment was to write an essay about your family.

- Who they... - Are!

And what they... Mean to us!

Excellent droning. So I want everyone to take out their essays.

We're going to read them aloud to the class right up here.

My mom says that me and my dad have very healthy appetites.

My mom and dad are very religious.

When they're in their bedroom at night, I always hear them yelling, “Jesus!”

My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he is so full of sh...

Brian!

My brother Jack is in eighth grade.

He told me to ask my dad who he voted for...

For... for president.

I did and my dad said he's a total bush-man.

That made my brother laugh really hard.

Whenever my uncle stu comes over to play pool with my dad,

my mom says the basement smells like a cheech and Chong movie.

Well... it's like this.

My dog ate my paper.

I checked, but he didn't poop it out.

What a lovely sentiment, Mr. Etheridge.

Maybe your dog can eat the zero you'll be receiving too.

- Aw, man! - Harsh.

Miss trinke? It's your turn now.

My dad says life can be split into two categories:

New Jersey... and New York.

My dad was a Jersey boy who became the youngest

and most successful music publicist in New York City.

By the time he was 27, he had 100 people working for him.

And even though they all loved him, he loved them even more.

My fellow flacks and spin doctors.

Salud.

Daddy loved his job, but not as much as he loved my mom.

Mommy was a book editor in New York City when her and daddy met.

Daddy said their jobs were kind of the same...

They made slight corrections for their clients.

Because George Michael is a pimp who is all about the ladies, my friend.

Come on, “I want your sex”? That sound like he's singing to a guy?

Daddy worked so much that sometimes mommy could only see him late at night.

Daddy says that's why they both loved the city so much...

It never went to sleep.

And neither did him and mommy.

But after a year of romance in New York City,

daddy said it was time to show mommy where he came from.

So he took her home to New Jersey and put her through what he said

was the biggest test their love would ever face:

“Introducing her to my pop. “

- hey, how are ya? - How're ya doin'?

- How're ya doin' yourself? - This is gertrude.

Hi. Merry Christmas.

- And what do you do, Mr. Trinke? - Easy on the “Mr. Trinke”. It's Bart.

I work for the borough, for 30 years now.

He's the only man in highlands licensed to operate the street sweeper.

Oh, man, I always wanted to ride in one of those things.

Well, you continue seeing my son, I can probably get you a turn at the wheel.

I was only gonna sleep with him a few more times and then dump him,

but now, after an offer like that...

Holy shit. Listen to the mouth on this one!

Oh, yeah, they don't make 'em like mom anymore, do they, dad?

- Now, listen, I'm goin' to the bar. - What a shock.

If you guys are gonna do anything while I'm gone, stay the hell off of my bed.

- You're going to a bar? - Didn't he tell ya? I'm an alcoholic.

- Well, I wanna go to the bar too. - No, you don't wanna go to this bar.

It's a bunch of old guys talkin' about how good they had it under Kennedy.

The man was a goddamn Saint.

I'm goin' to the bar with your dad. You can come if you want.

No, that's ok. I'll stay here and do the dishes.

I only cooked. Why shouldn't I clean?

Suit yourself. But don't wash that pan.

I got a layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbin' it off.

That “juice” is called grease, dad.

It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.

It's called juice. And it greases a father's insides

so that he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year

when he can be bothered coming to visit him.

So that night, daddy took mommy to pop's bar,

where she got to meet pop's other children,

his best friends greenie and block.

Hey, your kid's cuttin' a rug.

Who are you, Connie chung?

Daddy said, because mommy survived her first trip to Jersey,

he knew she was a keeper.

He said they celebrated their engagement by going out for pizza.

And that's how I got here.

Do we have enough of these at home, or should I steal some?

If you're gonna steal something, steal some rubber gloves.

- Thank you! - You're welcome!

And with that, everyone lived happily ever after.

Almost.

Look, you've got two minutes, and then we have to go, ok?

- Or I'm gonna leave. - Would you stop rushing me?

I don't understand how somebody who had all day sitting around to get ready

waits till 20 minutes before we have to leave!

You try getting anything accomplished with this big gut in your way!

This is one of the few days of the year that I can be fired for being late!

Anytime that you wanna carry this baby, Ollie, you let me know! Ok?

I would be glad to go back to wearing regular dresses instead of this tent!

The dress looks fine. It's gorgeous, ok? It's beautiful.

Yeah, until I'm standing next to Janet Jackson or sheryl crow.

Then you'll see how not fine it looks.

Gertie, I asked you, please, to use your own brush, ok?

- Can you just not use my brush? - Don't start.

It's just that every time I wanna comb my hair

I spend 15 minutes taking these long, bushy hairs out of my brush.

And I mean, you ask me to...

I'm sorry.

Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You don't understand what it's like to be this fat!

I've always been thin, and now I'm a disgusting pig!

And it's my first time going to the video music awards

and all the other girls are gonna be skinny, and I'm gonna look like a whale!

Baby, baby, they're just skinny 'cause they're all coked-out whores.

I wanna be a coked-out whore!

Ok, you can be a coked-out whore too.

You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.

- I'm sorry. - I should be more sensitive. I'm sorry.

I should be more sensitive, honey. I know.

- Yes. - I know.

- Baby, we have to go now, ok? - Ok.

- I love you. We have to go now. - Ok.

- I love you too. - All right, let's go. Ok?

Just give me two minutes.

- What time is it? - 20 after.

- She's gonna kill me! - I need the quote for the Madonna release.

Ok. “Madonna trusts the public will judge for itself that...

This latest in a long line of breakthrough music videos

is not the tasteless sexploitation it's accused of being.”

- “It's artistic expression.” - of what?

Of one woman's constant need to show the world... her labia.

Hey, can I use the word “labia” in a press release?

See you next week.

One of these days, I'll get me one of those husbands that show up for lamaze.

I'm sorry, babe. It was Madonna.

So you were late because of another woman. That's nice.

- Come on. I still gotta do my job. - And I still gotta do mine too.

But I was at lamaze on time.

Look, all I'm saying is

that guy who used to spend all night at the office and barely live in his apartment?

That's not you anymore.

Now you have to be the guy who's done by six

and comes home and hangs out with his family.

That's the only way we're gonna work.

Ok?

Ok.

- Ok. - Ok.

Ok!

- Ok. - Ok.

- Can I help you? - Yes.

My wife's water broke. She's gonna have a baby.

- You're gonna have to check in, hon. - Check in?!

Where, at the concierge desk?! Why are you being so combative with me?!

First of all, take your hands off my uniform.

And second, I'm gonna need a patient here.

This is my wife. This is the belligerent nurse

that's being so difficult with me, giving me such a hard time.

- I'm sorry. He's a little panicky. - Can I get a wheelchair?

- Let's get you up to delivery... - Ok.

- ...and let him fill out the paperwork. - Ok.

- If we can trust him with a pen. - Here, sweetie.

Ok, just relax, breathe. Remember, take it easy.

I love you. I'll be right there, ok? I love you.

- I love you too. - Ok, I love you.

We've practiced this 1,000 times. It'll be great. How hard can it be?

- Push! You're doing good. - You're doing real good.

- No, I can't! I can't do it! - Take a breath.

- It hurts! - I know it hurts.

It's ok, baby. Push. You can do it.

Take a deep breath. In five, four...

- Ok? Here you go. - ...Three, two, one.

Push. Push harder, gertie. Push harder.

The baby's crowning. I can see her. I just need one more push.

- Can you see her? - Holy shit! I can see the head!

- One more. Breathe. - Push! It's almost there, baby.

Push! You're doing it. Push!

Push!

Here she comes! Here she comes!

Here she is.

- Do you wanna cut the cord, dad? - Yeah.

Scissors, please.

Yes! And she's got all ten fingers, ten toes.

We'll get her all cleaned up and then we're gonna check...

Gertie?

- Baby, look. - Gertie?

Gertie!

Gertie, can you hear me?

- She's ok. Sweetheart? - Nurse, get Dr. Mortimer right away!

She's resting. Who's Dr. Mortimer?

Dr. Mortimer!

- What's happening? - She's unresponsive.

- Gertie! - Gertie! Gertie!

Gertie, it's me! Gertie?

Healthy baby. Unresponsive.

- Respiratory arrest. - Turn it around!

- What's happening to my wife? - Let's open that iv, please.

Baby, are you ok? Sweetheart, sweetheart, wake up!

Please, someone take Mr. Trinke outside. Please!

I'm gonna have to intubate.

Gertie, wake up, my love. Wake up.