JJ Villard's Fairy Tales

Aah! Ugh!

Aah!

Jizzelda: Aaah!

I’m sick of you coming home drunk,

slapping me around!

Huh!

We’re through!

T‐H‐R‐O‐O ‐‐ through.

Piece of crap.

Chaffino! More ga‐ga water.

I finally left him.

Who?

My boyfriend.

Lady, just drink your drink, and get the hell out.

Well, someone’s got a razor in their rectum.

Who’s that?

That’s Prince Lionel, the richest,

most handsomest man in all of Villardia.

You know, they also say he takes the cutest little poopies.

I bet. I got to meet him.

Who has my crayons? Grrr!

I want to color.

Squire, give me my crayons.

I don’t have your crayons, sir.

I thought I brought them, but I got all up.

Craaaaayyyonnnnns!

Hi, I’m Jizzelda, and I’d really like to marry you.

I think we’d make a great couple.

Ughhh.

Really? You?

You like an average, run‐of‐the‐mill farm pig to me.

What makes you so special?

Well, um, I...

I happen to be a master spinstress.

I can spin straw into crayons.

Crayons, huh?

What else can you do?

I can spin, um...

...hobo hair into...

...new eye patches!

Oh, really?

Keep talking.

I can spin...

...cat fur into...

...designer plugs.

Plugs? You mean like butt plugs?

Duh.

You intrigue me.

Here’s my card.

Be at the castle tomorrow at 8:00 a. m.

Don’t be late.

Jizzelda: Ahem.

Ah, there she is ‐‐ little Jizzelda,

the Magical Crayon Queen.

Well, ready to go to work?

Work?

I thought we were gonna Netflix and chill.

Soon, baby, uh, but first...

Ugh!

What ‐‐ what’s happening?

You see all that straw?

I want you to turn all of it into crayons

just like you said you could, and if you can’t do it,

I’ll chop your head off old‐school.

But ‐‐ Better recognize.

Oh, Jizzelda.

You really did it this time.

I’ll just roll over and wait to die.

Jizzelda?

Jizzelda?

Ah! Who said that?

It is I, Rumpelstil‐‐ Ahem.

I mean, Skyler.

Skyler?

I’m here to help you.

Help me escape?

No, to help you turn straw into crayons.

You just have to agree to one thing.

Anything, anything at all.

Watch me lick the toilet.

What? Eww, gross.

All right. I’ll be seeing you.

No. Okay, okay, I’ll watch.

Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.

Ugh. Eww.

Eh.

You’re not looking.

Okay, Skyler. I’m looking.

Gross.

Okay, let’s get down to business.

Ah, oh, my God, Skyler!

Ah!

See you next time, butt slime.

Ah.

Well, pass the ketchup.

Jizzelda, you did it!

I’m gonna give you the biggest reward of your life.

Really?

Oof!

I can’t think of any bigger reward

than continuing to serve Prince Lionel.

Now, spin that hobo hair into some new eye patches for me.

Hiyah!

I got through eye patches like babies go through diapers.

Scotty?

Scooter?

Where is that short little stack of shit?

Hey, Jizzy, baby.

You looking for me, Rumpelstiltski‐‐

Uh, I mean, uh...Dennis?

Yes. All right.

You want me to watch you lick another toilet bowl?

Oh, no.

This time it’s really gonna cost you.

I want you to... sing me a song...

about my butt crack.

Um... okay.

And make it positive.