Black Mirror

Liam Foxwell, welcome.

Thank you.

OK, little speech time.

I've mentioned this to everyone about their appraisals,

and I just want you to know that this isn't a witch-hunt for the deadwood.

It is much more of a...

treasure hunt for the gold?

Shit sinks.

But also, cream floats.

Yes, yes, I see that.

A new the area we're getting lots of play in ...

and your office could be at the centre for ...

is litigation in retrospective parenting cases.

Retrospective...

Bobby sues Mum and Dad for insufficient attention

leading to lack of confidence, leading to damages against earnings.

Right, and we're OK, the firm's OK with that, ethically?

And morally?

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Sure.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Are you?

Totally, yeah.

Yes.

OK, Liam, look,

so if we invite you to stay with the firm in the new environment,

what we'd have you do is pull an exhaustive redo

with personnel, maybe... next week.

Oh, well, I was ready to do a big redo right now, but...

No, it's fine, next week's fine.

But I have to ask you this ... they're not going to hit anything

to freak us out, are they?

There's no major deletions this quarter?

No, no, everything's well within... parameters.

Great, OK, Liam, this has been really great.

Um...

Look, really hope to... look forward to seeing you again.

OK, thank you.

Airport, please.

'Live...

'breathe...

'smell.

'Full-spectrum memory.

'You can get a willow grain upgrade for less than the price

'of a daily cup of coffee, and three decades of backup for free.

'In-store ingrain procedure with local anaesthetic

'and you're good to go.

'Because memory is for living.'

VOICES AT HIGH SPEED

OK, great, this has been really great, Liam,

we really hope to... look forward to seeing you again.

REWOUND VOICES

we really hope to... look forward to seeing you again.

Sorry!

BLEEP

Mr Foxwell.

Could you just rewind me your last 24 hours for me, please?

Great, and back that up for me times 64 for the week.

That's great.

Enjoy your flight, Mr Foxwell.

I'm not being funny, right, but look at that.

Look at what?

That!

Frayed carpet, there, you see?

Seriously?

Yes, seriously!

This is a five-star suite.

I pay good money to have perfect details.

Now I've got that shitty carpet for the rest of my life.

Only if you keep looking at it, mate.

Oh, thanks, Jonas!

Fuck off.

All right, now, you thought the carpet was bad, have a look at this.

You've met Lucy, my wife, at the Dublin wedding?

Oh, that's right, yes, hi, Liam.

Hi... Hi again.

Hello.

Lucy ... Liam, we met at the Dublin wedding.

Liam!

Oh, great.

Liam, yes.

Come in. Thank you.

- Great to see you again. - Yeah, you too.

Where's Fi been hiding you?

Oh, you know, in our house.

We didn't know ... well, she didn't know if you would make it.

It was over quicker than I thought.

Oh, sorry, hello.

Let's get you a drink. Um, beer OK?

Lovely, thank you.

Everyone's through there, so I'll be in in a minute, OK?

OK, thank you.

Hi.

You're back early, then, I didn't think you'd make it.

Yeah, I didn't stay over and I caught an early flight back, so...

- Hi. - Hello.

So, how was the appraisal?

Well, they said they'd let me do a redo sometime next week, so...

Oh. But good?

Well...

- Later? - Later.

OK.

- How's Jody? - At home, Gina's babysitting.

Hey.

Jonas, this is...

- Liam ... - Jonas.

Dude, it's really nice to meet you.

- You all right? - Good, thank you.

- And you know Jeff? - Yes.

Yeah, you remember meeting Jeff, because he'd have shown you,

I don't know, a redo of the side of his fridge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, piss off, Jonas.

- Hello. - Hello.

Your wife's being very mean to me tonight.

Oh, well she's like that.

Yeah, tell me about it.

- You all right for a drink? - I'm fine, thank you, Jonas.

Lynn, come and meet Liam, he's, um...

A soon-to-be unemployed/unemployable lawyer.

And Jeff.

Jeff and Fi...

used to run the parties down the Fraser Road with Paul and me.

Mad old days.

Before we started up the Kings.

So, yeah...

So, Liam, what was it you had, an assessment?

Appraisal.

How'd it go?

Good.

Well, it was a disaster, but you know, I don't know.

- Hard to gauge? - Yeah

Let's have a look.

Redo, we can appraise the appraisal.

Yeah, great.

Throw it up there and we can grade you.

- Come on. - Um...

It could be fun, we could, um...

vote!

- Paul? - Yeah?

I work in recruitment, so it might be quite useful for you.

Right, OK.

Liam's redoing his appraisal so we can give him marks.

- Notes. - Pointers, you know.

- I think Liam would probably... - Yes, do you know what...

Guys, no, come on, seriously, that's not cool,

I mean Liam's obviously uncomfortable,

so let's just drop it, yeah?

Have a cool time.

Time to eat!

Oh, it's ready.

Thank you so much for inviting us this evening.

It's been too long, too long.

Fi.

I haven't met him before, have I? Jonas, is it?

He's one of the old crowd.

I think I said.

- You OK? - Yeah, yeah.

- You know, if you're not in the mood, we can go. - No, no, I'm fine.

Sure?

QUIETLY TALKING AND LAUGHING

Hey!

Yeah! I brought enough for others to share.

Thank you.

I've, er, been cooking a lot since the break-up.

Jonas has had a tough one.

DOORBELL RINGS

Was it bad?

Er, yeah.

Yeah, erm, we were in the middle of planning is all

and I suddenly realised that the less the relationship means

the more you spend on the wedding, you know!

You actually start obsessing over the tiniest little details,

like the thickness of the wedding invitation paper

because, I mean, God knows you need something to fucking talk about!

So, everybody, this is Helen.

Helen, Jonas.

- Hi. - Hi.

And everyone!

- Hi! - Help yourself.

Jonas was just explaining why relationships are a sham.

Are they? Shit!

They're like going to the theatre, OK?

You pay loads to go and ultimately you are wasting your entire night,

so, when someone asks you, "Did you have a good time?",

you both say, "Yeah! Yeah, it was great."

The problem is the more that you pay

and the longer it goes on, the more you're, "Oh, yeah, we loved it!",

you know, "We love being together and never fucking anyone else"

"and only just having one other person"

"to share our real thoughts with for our entire lives, yeah, it's great!"

Would you say you loved her, though?

I just think we just really fancied each other and that was what it was.

You know what it's like early on.

You know, we were just, I don't know,

we were just two tools in the tool shed

that just fit together really fucking well.

I mean, still, by the end, I'd be like, "Go on, honey, you go up,"

"I'm just going to watch a little bit more of the news"

and I'd find myself, you know, watching redos of, like,