Small Soldiers

Globotech Industries , long recognized as the worldwide leader

in high-tech weaponry, is now reaching even higher.

Under the leadership of C.E.O. Gil Mars, Globotech engineers are blazing the trail

into tomorrow's most exciting market sector,

introducing advanced battlefield technology into consumer products for the whole family.

For the first time, you and yours will enjoy the same high-quality standards

as demanded by the U.S. Defense department at private sector prices.

Globotech, turning swords into plowshares for you and your family.

He's here. He's early. He's not supposed to be here yet.

He said... Okay.

Slamfist, Ocula, good. Check.

Chickens.

- Hey. - Hey. Let me help you with these.

Pretty exciting, huh?

I don't know. I think it kinda, it's kinda sad, I mean...

You know, Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, you know?

Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just going to care about profits.

- I think it sucks. - Welcome to Earth, Irwin.

You may not be familiar with our customs,

but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.

Yeah, well, the real world sucks.

It does have its perks.

Gentlemen. I'm Ms. Kegel, executive assistant to Mr. Mars.

Hello.

Let me be the first to welcome you to the Globotech family.

- Okay. - Just as he's done with his computer,

electronics, telecommunications, munitions, chemical and food divisions,

Mr. Mars intends to bring his own personal touch to Heartland Play Systems.

Oh. Well, that's good.

(SIGHS) Okay.

All right. Uh...

These are... Where's everybody else?

- There is no longer any "everybody else." - Mr. Mars, I'm Larry Benson.

- I wanted to tell you what an honor it is... - Cut the kiss-ass, pal.

Two minutes after I leave this room, I won't remember your name.

- This is Irwin Wayfair. - Great.

It's been brought to my attention that you two are responsible for this.

Yes, sir. That's Flatchoo. He's part of the Belch Brigade.

Yeah. Uh, actually, the whole line was, uh, Irwin's idea.

- (BELCHES, FARTS) - (CHUCKLES)

But once I refined the concept and created the marketing campaign,

it was the most successful product launch in company history.

That's why I bought the place. And that's why you two are still onboard.

So, let's talk about the future.

Oh, uh... Yes. Okay.

These are Gorgonites, sir. And they're...

- Hi. How are you today? - I'm late.

All right, uh... Here's... I drew up some pictures.

That's a picture you can have.

Here's a... All right, uh...

All right. These are Gorgonites, sir. And, uh, this one...

This is Archer. He's the, uh, grand, noble leader of the...

Okay, and, uh, Troglokhan, the navigator who, who navigates.

Okay, well, they're... These are monsters who come from

the land of Gorgon, and they've come to our world, and they're lost.

And now in order to get back to Gorgon, they have to, uh,

find out as much stuff about our world as possible.

And this way, the kids can learn and do research, and...

- Excuse me. Did you say "learn"? - Learn. Learn, yeah.

Next. (CLEARS THROAT)

Mr. Mars.

Allow me to introduce you to...

Major...

Chip Hazard, leader of the Commando Elite.

It's called 'multimedia', Irwin. Look into it.

(NARRATING) The future is here. A new age has dawned...

...for action.

The world's most awesome, high-tech fighting force

is ready to battle for the next millennium.

Chip Hazard, reporting for duty!

Hey, wait, wait a minute! Hold on, hold on. Wait, hold on.

(ON TV) These are the greatest toys I've ever had.

- Can they, can they really do that? - Do what?

The thing where he punches his way out of the box.

No.

I didn't think so.

There's a disclaimer. I mean, legal says we're completely covered.

- You know what I'm sick of? - (TV CONTINUES, INDISTINCT)

I'm sick of commercials that show us four-by-four trucks,

popping up to the top of Mount Rushmore

and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head. Okay?

I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women

they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat.

What if these toys actually could talk? What if they could walk?

What if they could actually kick ass?

Nick Nitro!

I'm talkin' about toys that are so smart, when kids play with 'em, they play back.

Toys in short, gentlemen,

that actually do what they do in the commercials.

Well, that's an interesting idea.

Forget about this batteries-not-included crap.

We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell.

Keep these things runnin' forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Hey, how's this for a slogan.

The Commando Elite. Anything else is just a toy.

Everything else is just a toy.

Th-Th-That's good, too.

- Sure. - Uh, sir?

Uh, you know, that kind of computing power

doesn't really seem feasible right now, and, and...

Irwin, Irwin, we're members of the Globotech family.

Surely, we can hunt down the technology.

We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard...

7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass.

I don't think we're going to have a problem with this.

Now, these guys are soldiers, right? And what do soldiers need?

- Hats? - Cam-Cam-Camouflage?

- Ms. Kegel? - Enemies, sir.

Enemies. See, these hideous, ugly freaks. These guys are the enemy.

And our guys have to seek 'em out and vaporize 'em.

Well, no, they're not...

Sir? Um, don't you think that's a bit violent?

Exactly. So don't call it violence. Call it action.

Kids love action. It sells.

Besides, what're you worried about? They're only toys.

I can't believe this. This is wrong. This is really wrong. I mean...

You know, this is a-a total perversion of everything l designed these Gorgonites to be.

Oh, would you can it, lrwin. Come on.

This is a golden opportunity. If we pull this off,

we will have Gil Mars eating out of our hands.

And by the way, gentlemen,

Mr. Mars expects the product to be ready for shipment in three months.

- Three months? - No, no, no, no, no.

It takes at least six months. There's product testing and focus groups...

Three months is fine. You tell Mr. Mars in three months, everything will be ready.

All right, then. Now, these are your security cards.

These will give you unlimited access to all top secret Global-Technology.

And these are your individual secret passwords.

Please take a moment to memorize them now.

Mine's "Gizmo."

I said, secret.

Well, but...

Password, password... What's my password?

Pass, pass...

Gizmo.

Let's find us some chips.

Um, some really good chips.

A lot of really good chips.

The X 1000.

Hello, Mr. Chips.

This looks like a nice store. Look at those toys.

Come on, Grandma. This place never has anything good.

Hey, Alan.

How's the world treatin' you?

You, Joe, are the highlight of my day.

Well, geez, kid. Tough break.

- New truck? - New owner. See?

Yeah. Pretty soon, everything in the world's gonna be owned by one giant corporation.

Then it's good-bye microbreweries.

So, uh, where's your dad? I got his order here.

Uh, he's goin' out of town tonight. Some seminar.

Wait a second. He left you in charge?

Hey, l was as surprised as you. I think he's finally startin' to trust me again.

Or maybe he didn't have a choice.

So, what's the seminar your dad's going to?

"How to Make a Success of Your Small Business."

- My suggestion was torch the place. - Not a good idea.

Arson forensics nowadays, is very sophisticated.

"Gorgonites and Commando Elite."

What are those?

Let's find out.

Ten-hut!

Major Chip Hazard, reporting for duty, sir.

- (CHUCKLES) - Wow! Voice activated. Not bad.

Yeah. They move, they talk.

They got a built-in, two-way radio.

"Buy a second commando and communicate with a friend."

Halt! Who goes there?

Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.

Awfully polite for a monster.

Hey, you never have to replace the battery. Now that's a good thing.

Hey, Joe, do you think you could, like, front me a set of these?

- What? - You know, just sort of lend it to me.

You got plenty in the truck.

Yeah. That's Toy World's inventory for the month.

This order's paid for. I don't want to get my ticket pulled.

I'll pay you back after l sell them.

Yeah, and what about your dad's policy? No war toys.

Don't worry about my dad. By the time he gets back, they'll all be sold.

And this place will have made a little money for once.

I don't know. That's...

What? Are you saying that never in your entire career

has anything just fallen off the back of the truck?

- I don't like your tone. - Sorry.

It's too loud.

Okay. One whole set.

I'll, uh, lose the paperwork someplace. This better not come back and bite me

- on the ass. - It won't.

- I swear. - And you've gotta get 'em off the truck.

I hope you know what you're doin'. I could get in big trouble for this.

No one's gonna know. They'd better not.

These toys don't go on sale officially until Monday.

I could lose my job. Lose my house.

Lose my wife. (CHUCKLES)

Thanks, Joe. I owe you one.

You owe me 12.

Good luck, kid.

Freeze!

- But l wanted to go to Toy World. - Well, life is full of disappointments.

Go look around. His birthday's next week.