Schitt's Creek

No, no, no! No, no, no!

- No! Noooo! - What?

- My bag! It's gone! - What bag?

- My brown bag! - What brown bag?

You had a room full of brown bags back home,

which brown bag?!

My crocodile bag, the one my mother gave me!

Oh, it's in the closet, next to my briefcase.

That's an ostrich bag.

(Agonized shriek)

Okay, just calm down, breathe, breathe.

Breathe... breathe!

Okay... David!

David must've taken it, along with my last molecule of hope!

Oh Moira, David only took his own bags.

Are you kidding?! I bet he's pawned it by now,

to pay for manicures.

What possible sense would it make for David

to take one of your bags?

It doesn't... Oh towels, great.

Mrs. Rose, you got out of bed.

Humph!

Sorry, am I interrupting something?

No, no, we're just, we're looking for

something valuable, and um...

- Your son? - Well, no,

a brown bag, as a matter of fact.

Well... our son, yes.

Has anyone heard from David?

Oh, to be so naive!

He's long gone, darling,

escaped, and left us all behind.

Okay, well uh...

I've put in some calls to some people,

just to get the word out.

Well, that's very nice.

That's very nice, Stevie, thank you very much.

That's very considerate,

because I know you and David had a...

intimate uh, relationship.

Okay, I just came to drop off the towels,

and check in, so.

Is that Stevie?

Can you ask her if she has any extra bedspreads?

I'm still here!

Oh! Okay, then come here then, please, for a sec?

Yeah, um, come in.

Hey, does this place have any king sized sheets?

Alexis, what the hell are you doing?!

Just giving myself some more space.

There's a lot going on in my life right now.

Like, Ted keeps harassing me for an answer

to the whole, am I gonna marry him thing,

and then there's the whole Mutt issue,

which is very complicated, and sexy,

so I'm just, I don't know what to do.

I take it you haven't heard from David.

Okay, yeah, fine.

And David's missing. So...

Yeah, well, he's missing.

Well, I can't find him, so what would you say he is?

Okay, you know what? You know what?!

I don't think your mother would appreciate you

speaking to me in that way!

Well, I'm-I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh! What'd they say!

Nothing, and I'm getting nervous, Moira.

Don't worry, he's fine.

It's not the first time David's run away,

Remember all those troubled years in high school,

when he'd charter the jet without permission?

Yes, but he has no money.

Oh, he does now.

If there's one thing David knows,

it's the street value of a woman's bag.

Okay, you know what, can we stop talking about that bag

for five minutes, the bag, the bag, and the bag!

John, it's an heirloom, my great grandmother took it

from her husband when she left him,

and it has been passed down through all the women

in my family, as emergency currency,

in case we need to leave our husbands

in the middle of the night.

Oh, well, that's reassuring.

You don't have to worry darling, I'll never need it.

But you know Alexis will!

Yeah, more than once, probably.

I love that bag.

And I've kept it safe all these years.

And now John, it's out there,

- Frightened, and alone... - Okay, okay.

We'll find it, we'll find your bag.

- We'll find your bag, Moira. - Oh, we better, please!

- Yes, we will. - Please!

Hey, uh, I really shouldn't come in.

Actually, you're standing in my living room,

- you let yourself in. - Yeah, no, I know.

Um, so, about the other night...

- Uh huh. - Oh! Mm!

That night. Um... That was super fun.

I'd say it was the most fun I had all year.

Yeah, it was super fun.

Actually, I wouldn't mind having a little more fun,

- right now. - Okay...

And I love hearing you say that.

It's just that, when we got together,

um, I thought my family was leaving.

- Uh huh. - And now we're not. So...

I would love to feel worse about your parents

not selling the town, but...

Hmm, it's just, it's so tragic,

'cause my mom is in this like, waking coma,

and my dad has developed more of a stutter,

and uh, because we're not leaving,

things are a little bit complicated with Ted.

I thought things were done with Ted.

Me too.

But apparently, he was misinformed.

- By who? - By me.

Okay.

Until that whole thing kinda works itself out,

I have a moral obligation to Ted.

You hands are so...

soft for someone who does nothing but manual labour.

Thanks, I make sure to moisturize.

Mm, that's so important. So important.

Listen... I can wait.

Thank you.

- Uh huh. - So um...

So, you look really good today.

Oh, hello, Roses.

What, are you here to tell me Alexis has skipped town

with my lawn mower?!

Roland, these people have literally hit rock bottom,

they're not in the mood for your jokes right now.

She is.

Look, I've been on the phone all morning

with missing persons, and just wondering

if you've heard anything?

No. Come in, come on in.

I can't imagine the stress of losing a child.

Oh, I haven't lost him, I know exactly where he is.

He's enjoying happy hour at the Viceroy without me.

It's been three days without any contact.

Johnny, you wouldn't know this,

but statistics tell us you have a 48 hour window

before you can assume somebody is dead.

Yeah, I just said it's been three days.

Then do we call off the search?

Oh my God!

I'll get it.

Roland Schitt.

Yes.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh-oh. Okay.

Uh-huh, yeah.

I'm good, how about you?

Terrific. Great, where?

Uh-huh. Uhhhh-huh!

I got it, great, we'll see you there this afternoon.

Bye. Well, good news, folks!

They found the truck.

And David.

- Well, that didn't come up. - Well, didn't you ask?

Johnny, they were all excited about telling me

they found the truck, so...

- Call him back! - Call him back. Now!

Call him back!

Well, I-I don't have the number, I've got the address.

I'm sure David is with the truck, right, Roland?

Well, I think they would've told me if there's a dead body

with the truck, honey.

- Oh! - Just give us the address!

Give me the address!

- Did they mention bags? - Well, no talk of bags.

Were there bags in the truck?

Were there bags in the truck?

My best friend in kindergarten ran away,

and her parents didn't notice,

and she ended up getting adopted by this really rich

Asian family in Vancouver,

but then they had their own kid,

so she kind of got neglected a bit,

and I can't remember whether she's back on the streets now, or...

You know, and he took his hair straightener,

which he knows that I use more than he does.

This whole thing is just very selfish.

Alexis!

Ted! Oh my God, hi.

- Hey. - Hey.

Um... I've been calling.

I know, I know. But everything's just been so hectic,

what with David missing,

and like, I haven't been sleeping,

And I haven't been eating, and...

You just ordered the parfait.

And I just keep picturing him at the bottom of a lake.

Oh, no, that guy was like, a known alcoholic,

and they pulled him out a week ago.