Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken

(grand orchestral fanfare playing)

*

*

The ocean is a mysterious world.

One that land dwellers can only begin to imagine.

Of course, you think you know what lies beneath the surface.

Ah, but the sea creatures who live there,

well, even the ones you have imagined,

you've imagined them wrong.

Take the mythical, mighty giant kraken.

Bloodthirsty monster,

sinker of ships, drowner of sailors.

That's what you people think.

You see, in real life, krakens are noble protectors.

The sea will always need a kraken,

and a kraken will always answer the call.

* We can take turns...

Ruby-doo.

Hey, Margot.

I am dying of suspense.

-(yawns) -What did your mom say?

Well, I chickened out last night,

but I'm going to ask her now, right now, this second.

Did you do the confidence-building

exercise I taught you?

I did something even better.

* We'll never cave or we'll never waver *

*

* And we'll always become braver and braver *

* We'll dance like nobody's there *

* We'll dance without any cares *

* We'll talk 'bout problems we share *

* We'll talk 'bout things that ain't fair *

* We'll sing 'bout things we don't know *

* We'll sing to people and show *

* What it means to be young

* And growing up.

Oh, hey. (clears throat)

Junior prom is the sacred rite of every human teenager.

As a kraken who is barely pulling off

this whole human thing,

I need to be there so that I can blend in.

And, as a proud mathlete,

I know that to find a potential solution,

I have to evaluate the problem.

Now, I know the rules.

Our family is not allowed in the ocean, ever.

For any reason.

And I love rules.

I do. I really, really do.

But the prom boat is on the water,

-not in the water. -(thunder crashing)

"What if there's a storm?" you might ask.

Well, I've analyzed weather trend data,

and my trusty friend, the Internet,

has assured me that it will be smooth sailing on prom night.

And lastly, this is the captain of said prom boat.

Look into those eyes.

Tell me he hasn't seen it all.

I trust him with my life, and so should you.

And that is why I, Ruby Gillman,

should go to prom. Thank you.

Please, please, please, please, please!

Strong presentation.

I like the energy, but it's still a no, honey.

But, Mom, evidence, science, Internet.

Trust me, Ruby, I know what's best for you.

And what's best is to always stay on land.

That's why we moved here.

It's much safer for us.

Sorry, Tadpole, Mom's right.

Sam, breakfast!

Hey, didn't you say that prom was a postbolognal...

Postcolonial patriarchal construct. It is.

But we would go as a group.

As a form of protest.

Wow. So brave.

What do you think? I had these printed for my big launch party.

I think I'm in love.

-Blech. -Do you still need me to be there?

Yes. This is a make-or-break moment.

I'm selling an entire development.

But, Mom, you're...

Agatha Gillman,

and I slay the competition.

She got us our dream home, and I'm not asking how.

Well, I just want to show potential buyers

what a happy Oceanside family looks like.

I'll be closing my shop for the day so I can man the grill.

From chill man to grill man.

Ooh, Arthur, you should think about

hiring someone to help you.

Business has been booming since you started Bottled Up.

Hey there.

Welcome back to Bottled Up.

Now, let's hoist those sails.

Magic.

Wow, you two are quite the power couple.

You think that's great?

You're looking at the undefeated dodgeball champ.

-(whistle blowing) -*

-(Sam laughing) -(kids grunting)

He's a legend. Ooh.

Yeah, yeah. You guys are all crushing it.

Oh, Ruby, don't sell yourself short.

You're amazing at math.

I am the reason Connor's passing algebra.

Oh, Connor.

-So dreamy. -Sam.

Ow. You're the one in love with him.

-Hey, hey. Stop. You each landed one. -(groans)

Marine Biologist Quarterly?

Oh, Ruby. You're still reading this trash?

Humans don't know everything about the ocean.

Mom, there's a whole world down there

that I have never seen.

Jellyfish, plankton, coral reefs...

But what else lives there?

I know. Monsters.

And those monsters want to hurt krakens like us.

This is where we belong. Oceanside is our home.

Then help me fit in by letting me go to prom.

Ruby, the answer is no.

-Time to go. -(Ruby groans)

-Mom. -Gillman dishes to Gillman.

The fadeaway at the buzzer,

-and it's good! -Yeah.

Woo-hoo!

Limb up, everyone.

Let's all have a very human day.

Does it bother you guys that we lie to everyone all the time?

Oh, we're not lying. We're just omitting.

Yeah, okay.

And remember...

If anyone asks, we're from Canada.

*

-(screams) -(tires screeching)

-(people exclaiming) -Whoa, what's happening?

-Are we supposed to be stopped? -Is our tour over?

Apologies for the unplanned interruption, folks.

Well, look what the tide dragged in, Davey.

Ahoy, Mr.-- Captain Gordon Lighthouse, sir.

Aren't you one of them Gillmans?

Guilty.

Just kidding. Not guilty. Totally normal.

-Is she blue? -I'm from Canada... eh.

-Oh... -(tourists murmuring)

That totally makes sense.

I've got my eye on you, Gillman girl.

And my other eye, too!

: Our tour begins where 15 years ago,

I swear I saw the monstrous giant kraken.

And to your right, Oceanside's best saltwater taffy.

-Ask for the Gordon Lighthouse discount. -(quacking ringtone)

Hey, guys.

-Yo. -Greetings. -So, how did it go?

Yes. I'm dying to find out.

Same. I've been stress-gaming.

Well, it's official. Mom won't let me go to prom.

And I know it's not what we wanted,

but we still have plan B,

our very cool anti-prom party.

And what is the most liberated food out there?

Guys, I'm talking fondue.

Ruby, um, I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

Kayla asked me to the prom.

-Oh. -And, uh,

I said carpe diem. (giggling)

Aka, I said yes.

-What? -I said yes.

No, I got that. Loud and clear.

Okay, Margot has torn our hearts

into a million tiny pieces,

and that's fine.

More fondue for the rest of us, right, guys?

Yeah, uh,

once Margot was going with Kayla,

Trevin said, "Oh, well, should we just go together?"

And I agreed.

So Trevin and I are going to the prom together.

As friends.

: Yeah, only as friends.

-(clears throat) What?

What?

Sorry, Ruby.

We promised to always stick together.

Does squad solidarity mean nothing to you?

Well, of course it does.

Which is why you should come with us. You'll be on a boat.

You'll be completely safe.

Unless there's a tragic accident.

-Bliss, no catastrophizing. -Sorry.

You guys know my mom, and that is why we made plan B.

Margot, just bring Kayla to our anti-prom party.

We will watch bad movies.

We'll dip Swiss.

Enough with the fondue!

We eat a lot of cheese.

Wheels of it.

Think about how many events we've missed