Peep Show

I'm not sick but I'm not well

And I'm so hot

Cos I'm in hell.

'Wow, me and Hans in a band.

'First jam with the Man Feelings.

'Only thing is, why did I say I could play the sax?

'I can't play the sax.

'I could manage a couple oftoots, it's basically a big metal kazoo.

'How come Denton got the bongos?

'It's not fair, anyone can bang shit.

'Give a chimpanzee a double espresso and you've got a drummer.

'Got to enter the jam.'

'Got to enter the jam.' DISCORDANT SQUEAK

'Well, that was a disaster, but can't back down now.'

TUNELESS SQUEAKING

Jez, mate, can you stop jamming?

You can't stop someone from jamming, that's against jam law.

Dude, that's not jam, that's just total fucking marmalade.

OK, I'm gonna stop jamming now,

but only because my jam is complete and I wish to have a cup of tea.

'Yeah, take that, little do they know

'I'm actually probably gonna have a coffee.'

'Got to have the equipment when the baby comes to stay.

'The empty buggy. I feel like a maniac who's just dumped his baby

'in the corner of JD Sports with a rusk and ten euros taped to it.'

I've been hanging out here quite a bit since I got made redundant.

It's cool.

It's cool. Yeah, it is...cool.

'More like a honey trap for social retards.

'When the Normalo Nazis firebomb these places,

'the geek race will be wiped out forever.'

So, what was the amazing Dobby news that you had to tell me in person?

Well, the news is, Mark...

Don't do the X Factor on me, Gerard.

Dobby's got a boyfriend.

Dobby's got a boyfriend. Oh, God! Really?

His name's Simon. He's younger, slimmer,

better-looking and more fashionable than us.

better-looking and more fashionable than us. 'Us? I'm several social ranks your senior.

'That's the whole basis of our relationship, Gerard.'

So, what's he like?

So, what's he like? Graphic designer.

Oh, please! "Hello, can I redesign your logo?"

"Yes, that'll be 100,000 for a squiggle."

'Wish I was a graphic designer.'

'Wish I was a graphic designer. ' And he drives an Audi.

But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik!

But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik! 'Wish I had an Audi.'

Maybe it's a wake-up call.

Maybe for guys like us, Dobby was always a pipe dream.

Maybe for guys like us, Dobby was always a pipe dream. 'Don't pull me into your filthy bath water, I'm a player!'

It may surprise you to know, but the truth is, until I was 26,

I'd never been with a woman.

Yes, you do surprise me.

'You've been with a woman?'

I guess over the years I've had a bit of a tough time with the ladies.

Really?

Really? I've done some mad shit, though.

I remember this one time at Uni, I was trying it on with this chick

and getting nowhere, so I pulled the old palm-reading routine.

Physical contact. Ended up going back to her place. Sweet.

God, really?

God, really? Oh, yeah.

'Then talked to her about my mother's suspected infidelities until I cried.'

I've got a million stories like that.

I've got a million stories like that. Huh. Oh, wow! They've got Stalin.

What?

Yeah, the detail's not bad.

'Danger, Mark.'

'Danger, Mark.' It's all right, Mark, they're not toys.

They're just models of historical interest.

Wow, look, FDR!

Right, God! Well, they're not really my thing, so...

If you bought FDR, we could get together and model Yalta.

Yeah? I mean...

I suppose, if you were really... keen.

'I do want the FDR doll, but is it crossing a line?

'Oh, my God, my heart's racing.

'It's like when I bought my first 20-sided die.'

I'd like to buy an FDR doll, please.

Of course.

Of course. It's for my son, he's a big fan of the New Deal, so...

Just grab us a couple of Cybermen while you're up on your stoolthere.

They'renot for playing with.

No, just going to keep them in mint condition in their boxes.

Yeah, course you are, mate.

We wanted to say thank you

for being there for Zahra while I was unconscious.

for being there for Zahra while I was unconscious. Oh, no worries.

'How can I steal your girlfriend? How can I steel your girlfriend?'

I tell you, though, man, my pace of life.

Sometimes you need to pull a coma just to chow down on some chilling.

Word.

'I liked you a lot more when you were unconscious.'

'That was a great look for you.'

'That was a great look for you. ' We want to show you our gratitude, Jez.

Mmm, we want to make you an offer.

Mmm, we want to make you an offer. 'Threesome? Probably.

'Like being offered a tiramisu and a dead kitten on the same plate.'

Did Zahra tell you about my website? It's a music portal.

Five-figure hit rate. Hey, I must be doing something right.

'Massive twat!'

I've always believed the internet is actually going to be pretty big.

I could use someone to do website management.

'I don't want a job.'

I don't work there, but I'm around all the time. It's like a family.

I would like a job.

You'll be focused on keeping the portal ticking over,

but you'd get a little pot for developing new artists.

but you'd get a little pot for developing new artists. I'd be...head of the label?

Yeah, I guess, Jez, you'd be head of the label. Great, well, er...

'This is brilliant! I could do the job, have an affair,

'juggle them both till it all blows up in my stupid face!'

Yes, Shakira, I'm Jeremy, and you're actually very much too poppy

for my taste. But if you suck this, I might put you out on my label.

Put FDR next to Stalin, like that, and I can put a cyber man here.

Doof, doof, doof, doof, doof, doof, doof.

What's that?

That's just cyber man attacking Roosevelt.

I feel uneasy about the noises, Gerard. Anyway, would a cyber man attack Roosevelt?

He's a cyber man, Mark, he's devoid of all human emotion,

concerned only with the preservation of his own race,

of course he'd attack Roosevelt. Doof, doof, doof, doof.

Oh, hi, Jez.

Sorry to interrupt you playing, boys.

We're not, we're just arranging our models with some noises.

Anyway, what are you doing back from your new job so early? Fired already?

I'm back so early because I have the coolest job in the world, and Ben is the coolest boss in the world.

I asked him when I should come in tomorrow, and he said, "Whenever you can make it."

His motto is, "The work never starts".

That's his motto? What's his annual turnover?

Who gives a shit? We don't make money, money makes us.

What does that even mean?

It means I'm going to light up a fatty and crack open my brand new X-Box.

Good luck with the regression session.

Look, I'm sorry if, in an infantilised world I've somehow ended up with the non-cool toys,

but why exactly is arranging a model of the greatest liberal

hero of the 20th Century somehow less cool than pretending

on a computer that you're a Russian pimp stealing imaginary cars?

I dunno, dude, I don't make the rules.

Enjoy playing soldiers and wanking over Dobby on Facebook.

Oh, for God's sake, Jeremy, that's disgusting.

Did you ever actually...

Well, you know, on occasion.

Corfu '06? It's cool, man.

I mean, I've never actually gone that far myself, but...

Everything's cool in Dobby Club.

'Oh, we're the Dobby Club, or Dobby Ring. Can two people be a ring?'

Doof, phrrrrroof.

# I am in loco parentis

# I am the last remaining contestant on The Apprentice

# I am the home-trained dentist

# I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, yeah. #

Shall we go and join the happy couple?

Why ever not?

'Relationship commandos, wreaking havoc behind enemy lines.'

Hi guys, thanks for tipping us off about tonight. Mental!

'Our pleasure.'

Yeah, the band were incredible.

Yes, we saw you dancing.

Weren't they amazing?

Sorry, Dobs, did you really...?

I thought we were dancing sarcastically.

Oh, no, that was my real dancing.

Did you not like them?

That was your actual dancing?

Yes, it's funny, isn't it, when one half of a couple likes something,

but the other just doesn't get it?

Well, opposites attract.

'The cracks are starting to show! The cracks are starting to show!'

So, listen, you know, since you invited me out of the band, I've got this job.

Yeah, we heard. Yeah, it's great you could make it down.

Bit of a weird one, we had to... invite you out the band.

Yeah, well, eggs is eggs. 'Is that a thing?'

Obviously I've got this development pot.

So, what, you might sign us? Like we even care.

Look, you're on my radar. 'Ha-ha, I'm the Emperor now!'

But...the look's not really working for me.

What...

kind of look d'you think we should go for?

I was thinking... 'What was I thinking?' Zoot suits.

Zoot suits?

Definitely zoot suits, and... Also the name. I mean Man Feelings?

That's our USP, cos we're all men, and we have feelings.

We're a group of men with feelings who play in a band.

We're like the Chilli Peppers, or the...

can't think of another band full of dudes right now, but...

there are loads.

Mmm, I was thinking something more distinctive.

Like what?

Like... Danny Dyers Chocolate Homunculus.

Danny Dyers Chocolate Homunculus?

Is it a deal breaker?

It could be a deal breaker.

It's certainly a game changer. 'Oh, I sound so important.'

Suit yourselves, boys, I've got other fish to fry in my frying pan.

'Sweet exit line.

'Now, to find the exit. I can't really see a thing with these on.

'Ooh, can I turn that into a little dance? No, play it cool.'

Jez, look, if you sign us,