Code 3

So, how's your life going?

Having any chest pains?

Been in an accident?

Are you bleeding anywhere?

I'm the one you call when shit goes wrong.

I am your best friend on your worst day.

And all of the shit you're about to see

happened to a real, actual paramedic.

Me.

Well, well, well, Taggert.

Randy.

What's up, Mike?

-Who's your friend? -Nobody.

Student ride-along. Not a real person.

Man, don't take that shit from them.

Hey. What y'all doin' here anyway?

Got a disturbing the peace call.

What?

Taggert, what the fuck you talkin' 'bout?

They told us it was an unknown medical.

Shit, I hope it is.

Somebody gotta go to the hospital,

that's yo' paperwork, not mine.

Yep, the ABCs of police work.

"Ambulance before cruiser."

Please be "disturbing the peace."

Please "disturbing the peace." Come on!

Police!

OD.

That's on y'all, suckas.

Shit.

-You wanna get the stretcher? -Gladly.

Is she dead?

She's not dead. Dying, but not dead.

What do we assess first?

-ABCs. -ABCs. Um...

-Airway, breathing, circulation. -Yes.

First thing, that's what we check.

-Understand that? -Yes.

-ABCs. They didn't-- -ABCs...

Oh, man.

-Oh, oh, oh! Hey! -

Know what the treatment is for a dirty needle stick? Chemo.

Same as for a cancer patient.

Seventy-two hours flat on your back and puking.

And a year's worth of HIV tests.

Alright. Now...

- -

Ah!

I'm gonna kill you motherfuckers.

I should mention at this point that you're all going to die.

Heart attack.

- -Car accident.

- -Murder.

- -Cancer.

Diabetic shock.

- -Fork in the toaster.

- -Or peanut allergy.

Rich, poor. Old, young.

Sometimes they don't find you for days.

You'll be dead too one day,

and sooner than you think.

Because guess what?

It all ends.

You know the movie of your life?

-The one you're starring in. -

One day, that movie just ends and you're gone.

Remember what it was like before you were born?

It'll be just like that.

Forever.

But sometimes, 'cause of people like me,

you get a little borrowed time.

I'm gonna kill you motherfuckers.

Get the fuck outta my house.

- -

Gun! Gun!

Secure your scene, Taggert!

-Secure your fuckin' scene! -

- -Fuck, man. First of all,

I ain't know you could run that fuckin' fast.

God damn, you fast!

Second of all, who had a fuckin' gun?

I'm gonna fuckin' kill dispatch for this.

She shot at us.

You idiot! Someone pulls out a gun, you run!

- Clear! -Get your fuckin' ugly-ass

motherfuckin' hands off me,

you goddamn ugly fuckin' mutt!

Scene's all yours, EMS.

- -

- -

Randy, man, you okay?

- -

I'm fine.

It's gonna be alright, okay, ma'am?

We're not gonna let you die.

Seriously, you say that one more time,

I'm gonna punch you in the throat.

We never say that to a patient.

-Ever. -Sorry.

What's that?

This is NARCAN.

It kicks the heroin off of the narcotic receptors.

This woman just paid a lot of money

to get higher than Jimi Hendrix

and we're about to take that away from her like... that.

Okay. Um... You know what?

I wouldn't sit there if I were you.

Why?

Because...

- -...of the puke.

It's in my mouth!

What the fuck?!

What did she eat?!

You stole my high, motherfucker!

You're welcome. Your life was saved.

We're taking you to the hospital, ma'am.

You need to-- Ma'am, settle down.

- -Hey, no. Hey. Hey! Calm down!

You need to calm down!

- -Oh, shit! Her arm's free!

- -No!

Oh, shit! Oh, no, no, no!

-No, no, no! -

- -Got a needle!

That is illegal, ma'am!

- -

- - Oh, God...

Are you kidding me?

You stuck me with a dirty needle!

- -You shit!

Hey! Mike, brake!

What the fuck?

Right... right in the face.

- - Hold her down!

Hey! Now-- Shit! I fell in it! Ah!

You crazy bitch!

- -

-Shit! -Hey, hit her with the oxygen!

-Breathe, bitch! -What are you doing?!

I said hit her with it!

[monitors beeping steadily in ER]

What happened?

We administered oxygen.

Yes, and then the patient needed to be restrained,

uh, thereby possibly resulting

in some self-administered bruising.

Is that your medical opinion?

Sorry, what medical school did you go to again, doctor?

-Not a doctor. -Sorry?

-Not a doctor. -That's right!

You're not a doctor.

So what do you say we leave the diagnosing of the patients

-to the real doctors, huh? -Okay.

I got a dirty needle stick in the ambulance,

so if you'd please write a prescription...

-What a shitshow. -...for retroviral--

You are unbelievable.

Hope you enjoy this nice, clean hospital...

-Any dignity left in the EMS? -...while I'm out on the streets

getting vomited on, having to take pills

that smell like a hobo shat in my mouth!

Hey!

In one day, I've been...

shot at...

thrown up on, and... strangled.