Scrubs

Welcome home, Perry. Here's the new program.

You occasionally lift a finger, helping with Jack.

And I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby

in my belly that's made my ass so big,

I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee 800 times a day.

Okay.

You love spaghetti. You had some just last night, didn't you?

No, I didn't.

Jordan, the boy is lying to me.

Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattletale.

Nobody does, Perry.

All right, champ, just in case you get hungry later on...

Yo, Elliot, what's your ringtone?

Jesus Take the Wheel, by Carrie Underwood.

I'm carrying under-wood right now.

See, that's funny because it's true.

Please.

But that's all you get for the rest of the year, Todd.

When that bad boy starts a-jumpin',

I defy anyone not to shake their butt to it.

I'm bringing it back.

Just like you brought back Pop Rocks?

Teddy boy!

Yeah, well, you're not as big a trendsetter as you think you are.

Right, Keith?

As for me, I spent my free time

getting co-workers I just met pregnant.

You're pregnant?

Are you sure?

I'm pretty sure.

Kim, I'm not really sure how to phrase this,

so I'm just gonna dive right in.

Have there been other penises?

It's yours, J.D.

Cool. Are you okay?

Yeah.

I don't think I've ever seen the inside of your apartment before.

Said the father of my unborn child.

That was a joke. Oh, come on.

No laugh from a guy who when he orders a coffee says,

"Thanks a latte"?

Well, that's different, Kim. That's hilarious. This is life-changing.

We're gonna get through this.

You know what else is pretty classic? When the coffee guy asks for money,

you say, "Sorry, my wallet's in my other pair of mocha-chinos."

That always gets 'em.

Oh, damn it.

I have to go to the hospital.

Scone is also a funny word, but I don't like them. I prefer croissants.

You're clearly freaking out, so, you need to promise me that

you're gonna find somebody to talk to about this while I'm gone.

Please, I'll be fine.

You be careful, you're walking for two.

Call, Turk.

You were right, Turk.

Hell, yeah.

All right, all right! Now listen!

This is a hospital, not a discotheque.

Turn that damn thing off!

Come on, buddy, please pick up.

This is pretty catchy.

No problem, I'll just go chill at my deck with a little vino.

Unfortunately, it was still a hangout spot for gay seniors.

All right, that's enough!

I have seen Les Mis over a dozen times,

so I have nothing against giant queens, per se, all right?

In fact, my life would be a whole lot easier if I was married to one of you guys.

Excuse me.

You heard him, girls. Let's roll.

Hold up, hold up, hold up!

Las Vegas Police Department.

Hello!

Why didn't you answer your phone when I called you?

I was dancing.

Oh! Wait, let me hear it.

There it is.

Well, look, I'm in surgery all morning,

but we can meet for lunch, talk this through then, okay?

Hello? J. D, this is a really bad connection.

Ted, please!

Ted!

Okay, I'll see you at lunch.

Hey, Mojambo, this here's our new flagpole.

Why don't you show Old Glory a little respect and snap off a salute?

There's no flag up there.

We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on back-order.

What do you want me to do in the meantime, run a pirate flag up there?

Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship?

I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof,

catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eye-patch,

go to work with a caulk gun, seal her up, make her water-tight.

I could take her out to sea.

Are you insane?

No, I'm a pirate.

Whatever. I'm not saluting a pole.

And so it begins, again.

My life is over.

Oh, come on, you've gotta focus on the positives.

For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman

actually impregnating another woman, SHeDAISY!

Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shedaisy.

What?

J.D. needs us right now, okay. So, this is what we're gonna do.

Dr. Cox, you're backing off. Elliot, you go talk to him.

Can't wait to talk to J.D.

Maybe we can chat about how everyone in this frickin' hospital,

other than me, is having a baby.

I mean, seriously. Having a baby, having a baby, having a second baby.

Oh, having her husband's best friend's baby.

That's right, Mona, everyone knows!

What are you looking at, Dr. Beardface?

You want a kid? 'Cause, I swear to God, I will mount you right now!

It's Beard-"facee," damn it!

Gather around, doomed new interns who just paged me.

Quick question. What does this outfit tell you?

You are entering a Joe Piscopo look-alike contest?

It means that I was just working out,

which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity

I have in my adult life that qualifies as "me time."

Other activities recently crossed off of that list

include my morning dump and all showers.

You see, my dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports.

However, I'm here and I'm totally psyched to hear

whatever the superty-duper reason is that you paged me.

Mr. Wyatt's chart said to remove his eight stitches, but we counted nine.

Should we leave one?

That's it.

Every single one of you is gonna run laps around the hallways till I say stop.

Think I'm kidding?

Perry, what the hell? I just got a call from Jack's school.

Apparently, they served spaghetti for lunch,

so he had some sort of Vietnam flashback.

We're having a second baby. You need to deal with your anger issues.

I don't have any anger issues.

Dr. Cox, I'm sorry, but my asthma is really starting to...

Get out of here!

Seriously.

What are you working on, young man?

New ways to torture that guy. See?

Mrs. Zeebee, I know that we were hoping

that the pain around your areola was simple mastitis,

but it turns out that it's breast cancer.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

Trust me, I know what you're going through.

Just yesterday, I found out that my girlfriend...

Excuse us.

Dude, please tell me you're not comparing

getting cancer to knocking up your girlfriend.

I was trying to.

You can't pawn your personal stuff off on your patients.

What about you and the motorcycle accident guy?

So get this. My pregnant wife has decided that it's okay

to steal my pillow in the middle of the night

and sleep with it in between her legs.

When am I going into surgery?

Oh, we can't start the surgery until the troopers find your foot.

That was different. He said, "What's up?"

Hardly seems like much of a punishment for the kid from Kenya.

I mean, God's sake, he can run all day.

You know, maybe Jordan's right.

Maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues.