Biswa Kalyan Rath : Biswa Mast Aadmi

Hi!

This is Biswa.

The cool dude, Biswa.

People would often ask him...

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck a wood chuck could chuck wood?

The answer is...

All of it.

Help? Who needs help?

People who need help are nothing but losers.

You need only yourself to organise your show!

Because he is...

Light guy,

sound guy,

sex guy,

press guy,

DJ guy,

spot guy,

mosquito guy,

producer guy,

boom guy,

this boom guy,

walky guy,

fan guy,

fire guy,

fire extinguisher guy,

make-up guy,

watchman guy,

cameraman guy,

Shaktiman guy.

Ladies, gentlemen...

a huge round of applause

for Biswa Kalyan Rath.

*audience cheering*

Hello! Hi!

*audience cheering*

I know, I know, it sounds like...

It looks like it's a big deal.

It’s fucking not...

It’s not a big deal. When I upload the video,

first comment, “Good video, but when is the next one coming?”

The future of this nation is bleak.

At a wedding, “Nice husband but when is the baby due?”

This exercise is pointless.

I know they made an announcement. They said,

“Don’t go to the toilet, even if you have to shit."

I agree, just shit right here.

On the chair.

Unzip your pants and go in the open.

No tension.

It will look awesome.

Biswa cracks a joke, cut to audience.

People are laughing except two people are shitting.

Laughing and shitting at the same time.

One male, one female. Feminist.

It’s that kind of a show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

I went into to a shop and asked, “Bro, do you have Tic Tac?”

He said, "I have no Tic Tac, but do you want a Kit Kat?”

I said, “Don’t try this tactic.”

He said, “Why are you getting angry? Is everything alright at home?”

The end.

That’s a great story.

A beginning, middle, end.

Some stories don’t have endings.

In old stories they would do weird things to end a story.

Have you heard the old stories?

In old, mythological stories,

a character would transform into a different character.

A frog will explode into a prince.

I haven't seen it, but maybe it happens!

Let‘s believe it.

Anything... Brahmin transforms into God.

Someone will explode and turn into a demon or a sage.

In Mahabharata or Ramayana if I see a bird, I don’t trust it.

If a bird enters the scene, I am certain it will explode.

Bird tries to act convincingly.

"Wow! What a bird! Look at my wings.

Cukoocukoo!"

"Here‘s my front profile, my side profile, my side profile."

I am like this is not a bird.

Damn, where were you till the seventeenth chapter?

But the characters in the story are blind to this.

Whenever they see a bird,

“Oh! A fat bird. Let's kill it and make a biryani.”

The moment they shoot the bird, God erupts and says,

“Surprise test! You have failed.”

Many characters pop up.

Soldier explodes into God.

Somebody explodes into a demon...

But I will tell you real stories from my life.

Not mythology or old ones...

Because I am new.

Didn’t see that mother fucking punch line coming?

“I thought it was a sentence, but a punchline!”

The first story. Is about me trying to be cool in sixth standard.

Everything was fine at school till in sixth standard

somebody figured out that we can create our own signatures.

Now in general signature is a unique identifier.

In my school, signature was a status symbol.

Cooler the signature, cooler you are.

Manoj’s signature was the same forward and backward.

He was super cool.

He used to eat other’s tiffin during recess.

Students would ask, “Why are you eating from our tiffin?”

“Did you see my signature?” - “Wow! Eat. Eat everything.”

Krishna changed the dot above ‘I’ into a heart and a star in his signature...

The next you know he has a girlfriend.

“Wow! Krishna so sensitive.”

I decided even I need to be cool.

I made a signature. My name is Biswa Kalyan Rath. I signed as BKR.

Two guys came running and changed it into <i>Bekkar Bakar Bhikari</i>.

Within two minutes and then they danced.

“<i>Bekkar Bakar Bhikari Bekkar Bakar Bhikari</i>.”

I realised this signature won’t work.

I need a cool signature. I was looking for an inspiration.

One day I saw my papa’s signature.

Papa signed and got money.

I wanted his signature.

So I forged my dad’s signature.

Dot to dot.

My name is Biswa Kalyan Rath, my signature was Jagan Mohan Rath.

I showed it to my friends in the classroom.

Everyone liked it.

So they started practicing my dad’s signature in their notebooks.

Everyone’s signature was Jagan Mohan Rath.

Everyone were practicing Jagan Mohan Rath in their books.

Madam wrote a note, "Your child is not doing his homework."

Its okay, Jagan Mohan Rath.

Madam asked, “Who is this Jagan Mohan Rath?

How come everyone has the same father?"

Madam called my Papa. “Hello!”

“Yes. Jagan Mohan Rath.”

“Your son is up to something.”

“I will look into it.”

That day when I came home. Papa was waiting at the door,

in position.

I thought, 'Oh bad news!'

I tried to escape him. But he caught me by my hair.

He said, “Show me your rough notebook.”

I gave him my notebook.

He scanned the first few pages but couldn’t find anything.

I said, 'Oh!

The deception has worked.'

Then he scanned the last pages. I was caught red handed.

CIA has hacked my computer.

I had scribbled my heart out there.

No one had ever given me a personal diary.

So I used to write everything in that notebook.

It was filled with my father’s signature Jagan Mohan Rath, Jagan Mohan Rath...

I love Snigdha.

Jagan Mohan Rath, Jagan Mohan Rath...

Penis. Jagan Mohan Rath, Jagan Mohan Rath...

Vagina. Jagan Mohan Rath...

I also made an illustration of a penis and vagina.

I made a small stick figure with a small line depicting a penis.

And a stick figure with boobs for vagina.

Because I couldn’t figure out how to draw a stick figure of vagina.

Kid is horny with hormones but has no artistic integrity.

Yeah...

These great artworks were signed by the artist, Jagan Mohan Rath.

My father saw it and gave me the thrashing of my life.

WWE is nothing compared to the thrashing a middle class father can give.

John Cena says, “You can’t see me.”

My father, “I can see you. You will go flying with one slap...”

John Cena will run away.

My father was Sivamani and I his drums.

He bashed me up real good.

Slapped me from every possible angle.

My father has two hands...

But I could feel the bashing of three.

That’s how quantum my father is.

I was being whacked...

He has caught me, and pinned me to the floor,

giving me the bashing of my life.

I asked him, “Where do you think I’ll run off in your one BHK apartment?

Have got me pinned me here!?"

My innocent brother who is four, was passing by singing.

<i>"Captain Planet! He is the hero. Extinguisher of pollution...</i>"

Slap.

Captain Jagan Mohan in the house.

Both of us got thrashed and were lying on the floor.

Papa said, “Don’t forge my signature.”

I asked why?

He said, “It’s a federal offence.

I told him I don’t understand. Send me to an English medium school.

So he translated it for me.

“God is watching everything.”

Now this was a very low budget translation.

This is Google translator in 1995.

Papa said, “God is watching everything.”

I thought, ‘Oh God!

If papa is right.

If God is really watching everything...

Then I'm in serious trouble.

Forging signatures is only one of the crimes that the child commits.

This kid has a dark side...

God must be having a tough time.'

So I thought let me ask papa, if God is watching everything or not?

From where is God watching?