The Love Bug

I'd like another shot at that prize money.

Okay for next Sunday?

No, Jim. It ain't okay.

- Now, look, Bice, I know... - No, you look.

All of my drivers are 18, 19.

You're too old for these kid snorts.

You're liable to get hurt in there.

You used to be a big track driver.

Ain't you got no pride?

I ran out of pride when I ran out of cars.

Jim, you gotta look at yourself.

Okay, you start out all right. You win a couple of tracks,

you think you're on your way.

But it didn't work out, did it?

Much obliged.

You need any money?

Nope.

Hey...

What do you do with this stuff?

It's for a friend.

Hey, how'd it go?

Okay.

- I brought you something. - Oh, thanks.

Oh, the poor thing.

I'll find a good spot for it.

You got hurt again.

- So? - One of these days,

you're gonna get wiped out entirely.

Why you gotta be a driver?

Maybe that's not your thing, racing.

How about all those car agencies down on Van Ness?

I bet that a top mechanic there gets a lot of good bread laid on him.

What is the matter with everybody?

Can't you understand? I'm not a mechanic!

I'm a driver!

I know just how you feel, Jim.

Hey, I used to think that I was happy paintin' flower seeds.

Then one day, inside me, there was this little voice, says,

"Tennessee Steinmetz."

I said, "What?"

It said, "You ain't happy." Well, I...

Tennessee, would you tell me something?

Why is it the only thing we ever have in this house is parrot food?

I mean, we don't have a parrot.

Hey, eat that. That's good.

That's pressed kelp.

That aerates your liver.

Then this voice inside of me continued as follows...

"This is nowhere. You gotta make a new scene.

"You gotta change your bag."

That's when I split.

I went to Tibet, to a mountaintop with swamis and monks.

I discovered my real self.

It was wonderful.

I don't have to go to Tibet.

I know who I am.

I know what I want.

Hey, there are dirt-track races at a carnival near Bakersfield this week.

If I can get over there, I can pick up a couple of bucks.

Okay to use your wheels?

Yeah, okay, but I'm afraid you're gonna have

a little trouble gettin' it started.

Where's the beast?

You didn't cut up the Edsel?

Came over me all of a sudden.

It was the only decent thing to do.

Believe me, Jim. It'll be happier up there.

Are you all right? Are you dizzy?

Oh, no. Well, there's a slight racking pain in my head.

Oh, I think you'd better sit down.

I'm really terribly sorry.

Well, it's not your fault.

I didn't mean to startle you.

Looks like you've been running into all sorts of things lately.

Yeah. Oh, oh, this is just a little...

Oh, lady.

Oh, really, sir.

Excuse me.

Over 400 cubes...

Dual quads, all synchro box, zero to 60 under five.

All right, Miss Bennett, I'll see to this gentleman myself.

May I be of service, sir?

Uh, I see that you're a person who appreciates fine things.

You're no doubt aware that this is the celebrated Thorndyke special.

And allow me to say, sir,

that I think this car would suit you very well.

Yes. Yes, it would.

Yes, may I offer you a glass of sherry and a biscuit?

Go right ahead.

I take it that the question of price

does not greatly concern a gentleman like yourself.

Oh, I wouldn't haggle, if that's what you mean.

What price range did you have in mind?

About $75.

$75? (LAUGHS)

I could go 80 in a pinch.

What do you have in the way of cheap, honest transportation?

Cheap, honest transportation.

I will bid you good day, sir.

Good day.

Hey.

Havershaw!

Now, where did this come from?

Mr. Thorndyke, yes, sir?

What is this thing doing in my showroom, may I ask?

Oh, I believe Miss Bennett may know something about this.

Yes, uh, you remember when Mrs. Van Luit purchased her new Bentley?

Well, she also requested us to buy a small used car for her upstairs maid.

Then why isn't her upstairs maid in her blasted vehicle?

The car was returned this morning, Mr. Thorndyke.

She was having some kind of difficulty with it.

- Get it out of here. - Yes, sir.

What's that for?

I beg your pardon?

Why don't you let the little car alone?

Are you presuming to tell me what to do in my own establishment?

Okay, I'm outta line.

It just bugs me to see somebody abusing a decent piece of machinery.

Fascinating.

Well, now that we've had the benefit of your point of view,

shall we regard our relationship as terminated?

Havershaw!

Get this eyesore out of my showroom.

And if ever I find it here again,

someone is going to find himself in a great deal of trouble!

Yes, sir. Watch your knees there, boys.

Here we go.

Sorry. None of my business, is it?

Perfectly all right.

Good-bye.

Oh, good-bye.

Good morning.

Good morning. What do you want?

Police.

Right. What do you want?

Forgive me for pointing, but have you ever seen that car before?

No. No, I haven't.

Hey, he's a cute little fella.

Hey, wait a minute.

I think I saw that car at an agency yesterday.

Now permit me to inform you of the following.

First, say nothing that would jeopardize your constitutional rights.

Second, the minute that you get downtown,

I would advise that you get a good lawyer.

Shall we go?

Go? What for?

On suspicion of grand theft.

Look, now, wait a minute. There's something cockeyed about this.

How did that little car get here?

I share your curiosity.

Shall we go?

I'll do it. Okay.

I'll do it, but I just want to go on record. I have seen some crummy stunts

in my time used to sell cars, but this beats everything!

To plant this bug in the possession of an innocent man

- and then to accuse me of stealing it. - How dare you, sir!

Are you suggesting that I would stoop to such tactics?

That's exactly what I'm suggesting!

In the first place, it might interest you

to know that under normal circumstances,

I would never sell a car to someone

with whom I'm not, well, shall we say, socially compatible.

Socially compatible?

Please, please, let's not go through that again.

I think we've worked it out very well.

Mr. Douglas needs a car, and for a very low amount down,

and the usual monthly payments, the car will become his.

Very well, even though my personal inclination

is to have Mr. Douglas tapped into jail,

and this four-wheel contrivance dropped into the bay!

I think Mr. Thorndyke is being very fair.

Fair? It's not fair! I'm being muscled!

I just want you to know that I know I know it, and I don't like it!

I'll draw up the papers. Would you come with me, please? Um...

Then get Mr. Douglas and his acquisition

out of here before I lose my temper!

What the...

What's the matter? You from LA or something?

Fine. I thought we'd run over to that new restaurant...

Have you gone mad?

Okay, what's the joke?

What do you mean?

I don't know how you rigged it,

but I'm sure that car's a real cutup when a convention comes to town.

If I wanted a trick car, I would've bought one in a joke shop.

Allow me to say that I haven't the slightest idea

what you're talking about.

You come blithering up in that beastly little car,

and assault my personal Rolls-Royce!

I brought it back. I want my money,

I want the papers I signed, and then I'll get out of here,

and you two clowns can have your little laugh.

Mr. Douglas, if there is anything wrong with the car,

would you be good enough to tell me what it is?

There's nothing essentially wrong with the car.

It's just that it wants to go one way, and I'd like to go the other.