King of the Hill

You know, these funny cars go so fast

that when the car hits the finish line

the driver is actually younger than when he started.

Oh, man, you talking about just like dang ol' greased lightning, man.

Just like them old hot-rod stickers, man.

I still got one of them on my lunchbox, man.

Oh, my God. That's Austin Coil.

Chief mechanic of the John Force racing team.

Just look at the man. He moves beautifully.

John Force is the greatest funny-car racer ever.

He's done more in the quarter mile than I've done in my whole life.

-Do we follow him? -No.

Yes.

-(tranquil music) -(machine whirs)

Yo, yo, man. Check it out, dang ol' 2 o'clock, man.

Wow. John Force.

Howdy, fellows.

-You all come out to see some racing? -Y-Yes.

Oh. John Force is talking to us.

So, what kind of time are you shooting for today...

-John? -I can't race today.

I've been feeling a bit sick.

And no one should go out and drive 300 miles an hour

unless they can keep their breakfast down.

-Well, that just blows. -Dale.

Um, I'm sorry you had to hear that.

Are you okay?

I think I need to sit down.

You know, Force, as long as you're sitting

you might try sitting behind the wheel and doing your job.

-Dale. -Just a suggestion.

Hey, Mom.

I didn't know you were subbing today.

I am not.

But word on the street is that Miriam Caney's

been throwing up in the bathroom the last few mornings

so I had better put in a little face time with Principal Moss

if I want to land that sweet, sweet maternity gig.

This is Mike Soto with the morning announcements.

Students going on the Science Club field trip

must have two forms of permission slips...

or they won't be allowed on the bus.

Thanks for the big cup of boring.

Tune in tomorrow when Bobby Hill takes over the morning announcements.

Good for you, Bobby.

If I can pull this off, class clown is a lock.

Boy, that John Force is one tough SOB, I tell you what.

It says here he's gonna be just fine

right after they replace 70 percent of his blood.

Ah. I'll give him mine.

Us Dauterives bleed real easy.

Tell you, count me in, man.

So it's settled. We'll all go give blood together.

Count me out.

The vast majority of unauthorized face removals happen to people in hospitals.

-(sighs) You disappoint me, Dale. -Get in line.

Yep.

Yep.

That silent treatment won't work on me.

I don't need you to talk to. I have my thoughts.

I can't be alone with my thoughts. You've heard them.

Where are you going?

We're going to the blood bank where we will talk about old times

and wear new "I Gave Blood" hats.

Wait up.

I feel sorry for Mike Soto.

Just because his name is Mike, doesn't mean he should be talking on one.

You see, Emily?

That is the kind of zing I bring to the table.

Mike Soto didn't have to be funny, he had credibility.

You had better be funny.

-(mic feedback) -(stutters)

Good morning, Tom Landry Middle School.

In birthday news, Nurse Barrow turns 40 today.

Of course, that's still two years younger than the meatloaf in the cafeteria.

Would the owner of a red Schwinn please report to the bike rack?

You left your reflector on.

And that's the bell for first period.

Either that or the school doorbell's stuck

as if schools have doorbells.

Sir, the snacks are for after you've given blood.

We haven't even checked for your blood type yet.

Oh, that won't be necessary. I'm type V.

I'll talk. I'll talk.

Mr. Gribble, you've just had a seizure

brought on by a vasovagal reaction.

You're going to be fine.

You're gonna be better than fine, Dale, you're gonna be a hero.

Why?

Because John Force needs a new kidney.

All of our blood was screened, tested and cataloged into the computer...

Oh, God. Not the master computer?

Uh, it looked like a Dell.

Anyway, the printout said your kidney was a perfect match for John Force.

But I, I need my kidney.

It keeps my other kidney company.

Mr. Gribble, the odds of finding another match are one in 80,000.

You had better get to it then, eh, Doc? There's a phone book.

Dang it, Dale. You're not even gonna think about it?

We're talking about John Force.

Not for long.

He can have mine. Even if it doesn't match.

Dale, I know this is a huge thing to ask of anyone,

but you'd be saving the life of a true American hero.

Think of it, Dale.

If you did this, you and John Force would be friends for life.

Maybe I have been looking at this thing all wrong.

Gentlemen, let's go see John Force.

I can't thank you enough for doing this, Dale.

My kids thank you too.

They're gorgeous.

Now, let's talk turkey.

If you want my kidney, I got to get something in return.

-Dale. -Nah, it's okay.

What can I do for you?

First off, I reserve the right to call you 24 hours a day

to prove to people I know you.

I do not play favorites with my organs.

If you take my kidney on vacation, my other organs go too.

And finally, I want you to put the Dale's Dead Bug on top of your race car.

Well, that thing's gonna slow me down a bit.

Not as slow as if you're dead.

-Deal? -Deal.

Okay, let's get this done. Where do I go?

Do I have to sit on some kind of special toilet?

Dale, you know this is major surgery, right?

You're gonna have to be in the hospital for three days.

I can't afford to be out of commission for three days.

As one of Arlen's leading skeptics, I've got my fingers in a lot of pies.

But Dale, you made a deal.

What about all that great stuff you got from John?

Darn the stuff.

Stuff is my weakness. (sighs)

All right, Hank.

I'm still going through with this if you'll promise me one thing.

Anything, Dale. What is it?

You have to make sure nothing happens to me, that no one steals my brain.

Or if they do, they replace it with one of equal or greater value.

-I promise. -There's more.

You also have to take care of all my affairs

my business dealings.

While I am indisposed, you must be Dale Gribble.

-Whatever it takes. -So be it.

I'll give John Force my kidney.

The left one I think.

Let me just re-direct my waste to the right one.

The process has begun.

Okay, Hank. Once you sign this power of attorney

you are legally me 24/7 for three whole days.

Now, the show turtles get fed every day

except for the hatchlings who eat every hour.

They like a mix of one-third dandelion leaves

one-third skinned chopped mice

and a mango but only if it's fresh.

Do not be surprised if they defecate in their drinking water.

It's a sign of high spirits.

Where do I get mice?

I left a plate of bacon in your attic.

You should have plenty by nightfall.

I can't believe I've got

two more days of not being funny ahead of me

and then the rest of my life.

Funny's all I got. Look at me.

Bobby, the reason people weren't laughing

is not because you're not funny

it's because they didn't know they were supposed to laugh.

You are as funny as, as Wacky

and Steve on Power 100, or even that morning Dog Pound.

The only thing that separates you from them is...

-(clangs) -a cowbell.

-Really? -Yes.

Your audience doesn't want to work so hard.

The cowbell enables them to laugh without having to think.

The cowbell tells them, "Yes, the joke is over.

And yes, it was funny."

Hey, Luanne. Guess what we're having for dinner tonight?

Flapjacks.

I said flapjacks.

-(cowbell dinging) -(laughing)

Now I get it.

So all I have to do is ring that bell after every joke.

You don't ring it, your sidekick rings it.

And if they're good, they repeat what you say

which makes it even funnier.

Mom, you have to be my sidekick.

Sidekick? Sidekick.

-(cowbell dinging) -(Bobby and Luanne laughing)

I couldn't help noticing, shug.

You're not eating any solids and you're only drinking clear fluids.

Oh. That's because I'm donating one of my kidneys to John Force tomorrow.

-What? -Oh, did I not mention that?

-No! -I won't be home for three days.

-Love you. -(smacks)