Saturday Night Live

No talking now, no talking.

Come on, now, settle down, settle down.

This won't work unless everybody cooperates.

Okay, Garrett, I'll do this, but I think it's a bit weird.

Look, this is the 100th show, right?

And you know the psychic world works on the decimal system.

It's the perfect time.

Now, there's a lot of magic in the air.

Garrett, you don't really believe that, do you?

Look, baby, I don't have to believe it.

I know it.

There are spirits in the studio, now.

And they have something to tell us.

What spirits, Garrett?

Spirits of those who are no longer with us.

You mean like Francisco Franco?

No, he's dead, he's dead.

Now, now, now, Lorraine, turn off the lights.

All right, all right.

Now, now, now, we must join hands, all right?

And concentrate and ask the spirits to communicate with us, right?

Now...

Are there any spirits among us?

If so, make yourself known.

God, do you feel that?

Oh, man, it just got real cold in here.

Feels like death.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, great, Mr. Mike.

Look, I'd love to chant, but you caught me at a bad time.

There's a movie on ABC that's just starting.

Go ahead, go ahead, ask a question.

You conjured him up.

You talk to him.

Mr. Mike, Mr. Mike, do you have anything to tell us?

Oh, yeah, one thing.

Did I mention that since I left, the show really sucks rubber donkey lungs?

Yes, Mr. Mike, many times.

And by the way, congratulations on Mondo Video.

Oh, Mr. Mike, you're fanning away.

Oh, sorry, we couldn't talk longer, Mr. Mike.

Bye.

Now, do you believe me now?

You believe me now?

Yes, we do, but I don't know if I want to go through with this.

Shh!

I feel the presence of another spirit.

Now, everyone concentrate, okay?

Whoa!

Shane, are you okay?

Shh!

Leave her alone.

Spirit, are you speaking through Jane?

Huh?

You know, I wanted to come back and do a scene with a little class, you know?

A little dignity, Joe Cocker, samurai, a bee, a cheeseburger scene.

Something that was good, something that was well-written.

But no!

I'm

going to do a cheap saiyan sketch.

John, John, is there anything else you have to say to us?

Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

It's Saturday Night Live!

With Paul Simon!

And James Taylor!

Starring Shane Kirkpatrick!

And

Harry Shearer!

Now, that is beautiful.

And that's a subway.

Now, ain't these people who call Denver the most wonderful, greatest city in the

world?

They don't even have subways in Denver.

This is a city.

New York!

City of dreams!

Why have I chosen to Live my life here in Manhattan New York, tell me, what is it

that you do?

Seven a.m., my answering service wakes me on the dot I'm having trouble waking up,

it's so much easier this way They just send me a bill one time a month I take a

cold shower, I've given up trying hot And I'm out on the street, breakfast is eggs,

toast, coffee And then I jam downtown

I take the express, that's right, I take the express train It's the only way

to go, and I don't wait in either I don't wait in line either, no, I don't wait in

line either, no Because I got my token on my way home last night

I'm the only guy who gets a jelly bean

A little work, a little work And then it's lunchtime, lunchtime, lunchtime Lunchtime,

lunchtime, lunchtime I got a great...

A quick stop at the bank I'm in the right line because I know which cashier is the

fastest And then I'm back to my office I simply return all my calls and then I'm

through I'm done, I can get back on the express And I don't wait in line either,

no No, I don't wait in line there

For tokens while I was at the bank

I'm in my place I got a damn good studio apartment, 155 a month Including utilities

It's right in control

And because I'm cutting back on my food budget I'm gonna have myself a Kraft

macaroni and cheese dinner The family portion is a must-eat And just because

it's a nutty town Just because it's a crazy, nutty town Just because it's a

nutty, crazy town Just because it's a nutty, crazy, nutty, crazy town I'm gonna

drink an entire bottle of New York State wine New York, why am I...

That I'm here

Corporation announces System 12, a breakthrough The largest television

system ever is now even larger With a full 42-inch picture tube for the brightest

image ever Four modular elements and components Making it the heaviest,

most powerful television in Horizon history With channel selector,

channel control center, AC power cord Twelve speakers and a high-performance

television sound system With the loudest sound reproduction ever Housed in a full

204-inch cabinet Design crafted in the great tradition of American workmanship

System 12, a masterpiece Louder sound, more parts, bigger and better than ever

System 12, the parts go in before the name goes on

Good evening In honor of St. Patrick's Day I've been asked to read one of the old

favorite Irish fairy tales It's called The Biggest Leprechaun

Once upon a time in the county Kerry In a tiny, small grass house Nearby to an empty

milk can That had long ago fallen off a farmer's cart And next to a stump and

beside a fence That marked old man McGuire's pasture There lived a band of

leprechauns These were some of the little people Also known as the wee ones Who are

the mischievous fairies Who people the mountains and vales The bonds and bondside

of all Ireland They are rarely seen but well known for their playful pranks And it

is well known also That should a person manage to catch one A leprechaun will

promise a pot of gold to be set free Now among this particular band Was a

leprechaun named Sean Who, while wee, was even so the least wee Of all the wee

people Run for it, Hyde!

I threw some chowder in Mrs. Murphy's overalls And she's right on our heels To

the hut!

Quickly, get inside!

Sean was indeed so tall He was taller than a milk can And he was so fat He was bigger

than a bucket So it was hard for him to hide And he often got caught

I got cut again I had to promise old Mrs. Murphy a pot of gold Oh, that's just

grand, Mr. Hyde Why, do you think we're made of gold?

Ah, you're a sorry lot of a lad, my lad And a lot of lad, I might add But

do you know what the price of gold is today?

Are you just giving it away, you grand fool?

Ah, you call yourself a teeny weeny?

That's a laugh You're a four foot long chemo hot dog Ay, no wonder you got caught

all the time Must you stand up so straight?

Can't you slouch a little?

Yeah Sean's not a fairy Sean's not a fairy All right, all right, that's enough Here,

take the gold, pay off Mrs. Murphy But you better start on a diet Nothing but

shamrock salads for you, mister

But Sean didn't learn his lesson He didn't diet He didn't even slouch And so one day,

after tying McGuire's shoelaces together And knocking over his tea And throwing the

poor man's scones out the window Sean was trying to hide behind the dairy can When a

big wind came up Blowing over the can And flattening Sean beneath Which only proves

that even If you have all the gold in the world And everyone tells you how big you

are In the end, there are things Still bigger than you And under that big dairy

can and carry Lies a big, fat fairy Big Sean Big Sean Big Sean Big fat Sean And

thus we learn again People, even little people Who live in grass houses Shouldn't

throw scones Good night

Ooh!

I wish I'd never encouraged Todd To run for student body president, Mom He has no

platforms Just a bunch of stupid slogans Like, vote for Todd, he's like a god Oh,

dear, he is getting a swilled head Oh, Mom, his whole political machine is

falling apart And as his campaign manager, I feel responsible It looks like that dumb

Shelly Faber She's gonna win by a landslide tomorrow Oh, now, I don't

suppose A big batch of egg salad would change anything No, Mom, I didn't think so

Well, whatever happens Remember what Theresa Brewer says Stand by your man That

was Tammy Wynette No, dear, it was Theresa Brewer

Hello, Mrs. Luebner Good home I wish I could stand to chew the fat But there's a

tuna and corn Niblet casserole in the oven That's calling my name That sounds good

Hello, Artie Hello, Belinda Hello, Lisa Where's God?

If you mean Todd, He art on his way over here with Grant Yeah, Grant's just been

appointed Todd's bodyguard Why does Todd need a bodyguard?

During the rally, Someone tried to pull his pants down Oh, no, the mooning

incident Don't tell me they're trying To bring that up again Lisa, the day Todd

threw a moon in study hall, He blew his chances of becoming president No ifs,

ands, or buts That's so funny, I forgot to laugh Well, besides,

There's no proof that it was Todd's butt Wrong Shelly Fabish is on his way over

With documented photos of the May 78 mooning I have examined the photos very

closely And I must say, they made me extremely nauseous It wasn't pretty Lisa,

we think that you should ask Todd to concede No way, Jose Schnackman I refuse

to be intimidated by smear tactics

Hi, I'm Grant Robinson, Jr. I was busted into your school From Harriet Tubman High

You don't have to introduce yourself every time We remember you, Grant

The loop in the living room is secure for entry That is Grant Hello, Lisa,

how are you, darling?

Hello, Todd Glad to have your support Terrific, terrific You and I will count on

choice political clubs In the near future, I assure you Yeah, when heck freezes over

You see?

Yeah Anyway, I guarantee I can deliver the black vote Uh-huh, there, I have the black

vote showing up Yeah, big deal, Grant is the black vote The only black

vote Todd, don't you realize that Fabish is gonna cream you at the polls?

What do you mean?

I just came up with some good campaign slogans How about these?

In Todd we trust Vote for Todd, he's got a great bod, huh?

It's gonna take more than slogans to pull this one out of the dumper Blue moon Oh,

very funny So funny, Lisa, for not the last three

Hello, people Hello, Shelly You've got your nerves coming here, Fabish Oh,

I just remembered I forgot something Come on, Artie, let's go Yeah Don't forget what

we talked about, Lisa Yeah Yeah, bye, pizza butt

I submit for your perusal Exhibit A, blow up to the surface of the moon Notice

the tell-tale craters There's nothing in these photos to prove that it's Todd's

butt Oh, yeah?

Exhibit B, Polaroid of today's pantsing Compare and contrast He's got ya I'm

warning you, Dillamuca, unless you pull out These photos are gonna be all over the

front page of the school paper tomorrow morning I rest my case Yeah, rest on this

I got an idea I could say it was me Well, uh, I appreciate the gesture and the

loyalty, Grant But I don't think anybody will ever buy it Oh, well, I gotta be

going It's a long bus ride home Bye, Grant Well, uh, you're released,

Grant

Isn't that incident ever gonna go away?