The Nanny

I can't wait any longer. Sweetheart!

Mom.

How is she? How is the baby?

Fran; I am so sorry.

I lost the baby?

Well, let me explain.

In rare instances, the HGC levels

can elevate to such a vast concentration that it emulates...

What the heck are you talking about?

A false positive.

Turns out you were never pregnant.

What?

My married daughter isn't pregnant?

How can you screw up like this?!

Screw up has a negative connotation.

We prefer to use the word, "mishap."

What was all that stomach pain I was feeling?

That was caused by something you ate.

Fran; I can't tell you how sorry I am.

Darling,

everything is okay.

The important thing is you're all right.

Yeah.

But you, however...

You are going to call Myra Needleman herself

and explain why the "Hadassah Newsletter"

suddenly has no headline!

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Oh, you must be feeling...

I can't even imagine how you're feeling.

Oh, it's okay. It... you know.

What are you going to do? I guess it just...

It wasn't meant to be. Um...

Look on the bright side.

Now this'll give you time to get used to the name Schlomo.

Why don't you go pay the bill and I'll get my things together,

and then we'll go home?

-You sure you're all right? -I'm fine. I'm absolutely perfectly fine.

All right.

Honey;

You forgot to kiss me goodbye!

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Are you sure you're going to be all right?

You don't want me to stay with you here?

I'm okay. You can go to work.

-All right. Love you. -Love you.

Darling, you do realize you're still holding on?

Yes, I do.

Sweetheart, would you like to talk?

Yes, I would.

Do you mind if we do it sitting down?

Okay.

Now, darling, what's the matter?

Oh, honey, I know that I was really strong at the hospital,

but, to tell you the truth,

I already started loving that baby.

Oh, darling, I know. So did I. But you know what they say.

If at first you don't succeed, try and try again.

And again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

I love you so much right now.

Come with me, I want to show you something.

Look at this.

I already did a little shopping...

What if it's a boy?

Oh, well... (Giggles)

Darling, the child isn't even born yet

and already you're pressuring him to be a doctor.

Well, they didn't have little lawyer suits.

-Darling, I love you so much. -I love you.

I can't wait to come home, climb into bed,

and start againing again.

Mm-hmm. Oh, Ma; Guess what?

Maxwell and I decided that we're going to try and make a baby right away.

-Oh, 'mazel tov.' -No jumping! No jumping!

-Love you. -I love you, son.

Everything is going to be wonderful,

you'll have a baby before you know it!

It's going to take forever.

He's over 40 and his sperm are practically in a coma.

Ma; What are you saying?

I'm saying his 'little fish'

are going to need a little help swimming upstream.

-Franny? -What?

I know someone with the exact same problem.

Just got married, thought she was pregnant,

found out she wasn't...

Yetta, that's me.

Oh. Well, then you tell it.

You know something? When my mother couldn't get pregnant,

she went to am herbologist,

and then she had three of the...

Of the dumbest kids I have ever met.

Yetta, you're talking about Val.

Yeah.

Oh, well,

then, you tell it.

You know, it might not be a bad idea going to a herbologist.

Your cousin Meryl went, remember? Mr. Fu?

Ma; You want me to put my husband's little swimmers

in the hands of a man whose office is in a Chinese restaurant?

It's Cantonese.

And it's behind the restaurant.

Meanwhile, he gave Meryl a bunch of roots and crap.

And bam, she got pregnant.

All right, I'll talk to Max about it.

-No! -Why?

He'll lose confidence, he'll feel emasculated,

and then he'll never want to have sex with you again.

And then he'll...

And then you'll have her marriage.

-Oh! Wow! -Oh! Wow!

Would you look at all this stuff?

Yeah. Ooh, I wonder what this is for?

Oh, this is very good for the brain. Makes you smart.

50 cents a bottle.

And how much for 2 bottles?

You'd better take the large.

Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Fu. I'm Fran and, you know,

we're having a little trouble conceiving.

Say no more!

This is an ancient Chinese mushroom root.

You put it in a shake, and he takes one every 24 hours.

But how many times a day?

So this stuff is really gonna make

his little soldiers swim faster?

Just ask Mrs. Fu.

Oh, congratulations, Mrs. Fu.

So the shake got you pregnant?

No, unfortunately I also had to use Mr. Fu.

And if you need a little extra help,

eat these special almond cookies.

It'll make the two of you really hot for each other.

Oh.

Well, that's very thoughtful, but, to tell you the truth,

my husband and I don't need any help in that department.

Why would a woman under 30 need any help?

You know what, you'd better give me three dozen.

Just give me the whole box.

Val; I find these instructions so confusing.

No, it's easy, Fran. Look,

Here's the protein shake that'll help Max's swimmers.

And if he's not in the mood, here are the cookies

that'll help make him frisky.

Val; I'm the cookie that'll make him frisky.

Meanwhile, I think it is high time that the Western Medical community

recognized the value in ancient Chinese medicine.

Val; Those smart pills are really beginning to kick in.

Isn't it prodigious?

Oh, well, now you're just showing off.

Fran; Do you have some time to help me with my homework?

Sure, honey. I always have time for you.

-What's the subject? -Honors Algebra-2.

Oh, look, sweetie;

Your square root's all off.

Fran; Look, her square root's all off.

Oh. Oh, yes. I see.

Valerie; Why don't you take young Gracie upstairs and, you know,

do whatever to make it more prodigious?

What's that, Nanny Fine? Slimfast?

No; Swim fast.

Why would a woman go to such lengths to have a baby?

You know, in fact, I was thinking about having one of those operations,

but then I thought, what if I marry a wealthy man

who insists I produce an heir.

Oh, stop deluding yourself.

Go ahead and have the vasectomy.

Oh, now, I have such a good comeback.

But don't you have to go wash your boss' underwear?

Mm. You know, Nanny Fine may not know how to work an oven,

but she knows how to get good takeout.

These cookies are delicious.

They are pretty good, aren't they?

In fact,

they're not bad at all.

Niles; Is that a new apron you're wearing?

♥

Have you guys seen mom or dad in the past couple of days?

Yeah, what have they been doing?

Hey, Niles; Do you know what mom and dad have been up to?

Um... they're trying to coproduce a new project.

How? Dad's going to let Fran handle his business?

Eat your eggs.

How are you, baby?

Hi, dumpling.

Mm, you smell good. What is that?