Happy Endings

Look at our little Dave rose, making friends.

Bet you 5 bucks he's telling her about the time

he ran across Michigan Ave. to save that puppy.

No way. He's telling the story from high school where he

picked up that fumble and ran it back for a touchdown...

And boom! Football. There it is. Pay up, playa.

Hold up. That's a puppy dog.

Oh!

Let's hope it was a football, or else we have not heard

the complete story about the puppy.

Whoa.

- Dude, that girl's super into you, man. - I know, I know.

She even liked my reenactment

of the first scene of "Temple of Doom."

- Ah. "Doom." - It's the go-to move. Of course.

Oh, hey, guys, this is Andrea.

Actually, it's Un-drea.

Un-drea. Un-drea.

Un-drea. Un-drea.

Okay. (Laughs) Well, I am Mox, this is Brade.

Of course you know Dove.

Your friends are so funny.

I'm gonna grab my purse. Okay.

Don't go anywhere.

Boop! Oh!

I mean, she's totally lame but super hot, right?

Yeah, you should totally boop that.

Yeah, not really ready for a relationship.

- (Brad) No? - Hey, Nicholas Sparks,

no one's talking about a relationship.

I'm talking about taking Frankie Fedora home,

doing some weird stuff, and never calling her again.

I'm back!

Whoa! You are a gosh-darn delight!

Dave, let's get out of here.

Um... okay.

Okay. Boop! Oh!

I do not understand people that feel the need

to express themselves through touching.

I know, right? All right, I'm out.

Aah! Stop! Can't touch this.

Ohh. All right, I'll see you, buddy.

What the hell?

Give me that.

What? I could use the extra cash for the store,

and I decided a roommate might be a good idea.

Are you trying to get sold into white slavery?

Jane, it's a cute picture. Oh, my God. Is that side boob?

Oh, my God. It... No. No, no, no. It's just leaves.

Whatever. I'll find someone cool and fun,

and it'll be okay.

Honey... This is a big decision, okay?

And... and you have a terrible habit

of always seeing the good in people.

- Not sure that's a bad habit. - Okay, what I'm trying to say is that

you're not the best judge of character.

That's crazy. Oh, Dave.

This is Zane. He just moved into the building.

He's introducing himself to all the neighbors.

Legally, I have to.

Would you like me to help you find a roommate?

Jane, I can handle this. I can make one...

Jane. Okay.

(Male announcer calling play-by-play indistinctly) Dude, stop him.

Stop. Don't... dude!

No football!

Okay? Come on, Max. Let's go to the farmers' market.

There's a trunk show at Shoe-La-La,

and then we can brunch it up!

You know what sounds more fun?

Being in wet clothes and watching "Schindler's List."

You're the worst gay husband ever.

Oh, I don't see no ring on this finger, girl.

What's Jane doing?

It's the weekend. She's relaxing.

Just a pitch... wouldn't it be easier

to find these stackables if they were in the shelving section?

I know what you're thinking.

Is this woman questioning the organization of a store

whose sole purpose is to help people organize?

Yes.

Fine. Stupid football.

Whoo! Raise your hand if you got laid last night.

Really?

Yeah, Jane gets stupid horny when we use our pizza stone.

I slept with my allergist.

Confused college student.

Ugh. I'm not gonna lie. You guys are kinda stealing my thunder.

Hey, no Dave, good for you. Are you gonna see her again?

I don't know. She wore a fedora in bed.

I probably should call her...

No. Mnh-mnh.

Mnh-mnh. That is breaking the first rule of one night stands.

Well, I don't wanna be a bad guy,

so just gonna give her a call. (Beeping)

I wouldn't call her. No. No.

Don't do it. Mnh-mnh. She's gonna pick up.

Whoa! Hey. Andrea.

There it is. Un-drea. Sorry.

I was just calling to say thank you

for last night. It... Breakfast.

No.

No. Um...

Okay. Sure. Yeah, I can... be there in 15 minutes.

No!

Make the face. Guys, relax. It's just an hour.

I'll be back. We'll be watching football...

And drinking heavily!

Dave, where have you been? Guys, it's all a blur.

We went to eat crepes, which led to a walk by the lake.

After that, we went to her apartment

to feed her bird.

That's right, guys. She's got a bird!

Then we watched all of her dance videos

from high school through college because apparently

she's auditioning for Keesha's world tour.

It's Ke$ha. It's Ke$ha.

Then we went down to the Field Museum

where she convinced me to buy a joint membership

for two years because you get free parking.

Damn, Dave. You are stuck in chick-sand.

What is that? It's, uh, it's quicksand,

except I replaced the "quick" with "chick."

Come on, man. You're better than that.

Guys, what am I gonna do?

Look, if you don't wanna see her again, you just tell her.

Be an adult and have the conversation.

No. No, conversation sucks. Yeah, right. Nope!

No. You're right. I am an adult,

and... and I'm gonna handle this like an adult.

I'm gonna take a shower, and I'm gonna march myself down there,

and we're gonna have a conversation.

I see how you got from

"quicksand" to "chick-sand." You're an idiot.

I love you.

Guys!

Hey! This is Samantha. She might be my new roommate.

Hey. Hi.

We'll be in touch. Yes.

- Okay, great. Bye. - Bye.

Doesn't she seem great? Her hair is amazing.

Yeah. Does her hair have a social security number

you can run a credit check on? Or how about her references?

I mean, how much money does she make?

What do you really know about her?

She likes vampire books and Beyoncé.

You know, I have a 13-year-old cousin in Tallahassee

that's thinking about running away from home.

- Maybe he'd make a good roommate for you. - Okay.

Now we're all gonna have to hang out with whoever you choose, Al,

so why don't you pick someone fun,

like a fighter pilot or Scottie Pippen?

Oh, you know who you should get? Is a real gay guy.

Whoa.

Come on. You're a straight dude who likes dudes.

I want a gay who will watch house flipping shows with me

and grab my boobs in a platonic way.

So you want a stereotypically flamboyant, cartoonish

"Sex and the City" gay? That's offensive.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

Look, you've only ever lived with Dave and me,

and a lot goes into making this decision.

Well, I guess I didn't totally think about all of that.

But I did. Okay, and judging people comes so easy for me,

which is why you should let me help you.

Okay. Fine. You can help, but you're not gonna come in

and take over everything and get all "Jane" on me, are you?

Of course not.

I've got some great roommate choices.

Like a Becca. She's a marine biologist

and notary public, which means she can teach you about plankton

and also witness the signing of important documents.

Sounds like such fun!

I know.

But I can't do this right now, Jane.

Okay, okay, how about Jessica?

I mean, she's an agoraphobic and a vegan,

which means she will never leave her room

or eat your cheese. You love your cheese!

Hey, what do you guys think of this... dress? And no one cares. (Door opens)

Yo, Penny.

Girl! That girl looks delish!

What? Things that make you go mmm!

Hi.

Gracias. Max, who is this fine man?

Penny, I'd like you to meet Derrick.

We played on a gay softball team together last year.

- I thought you guys might get along. - P.S.... Four balls

isn't just a walk. It's a party. What? Drama! (Laughs)

Can I touch your ta-tas? Get in there.

Aah! Aah! Oh, my God.

I feel like I've known you so long.

Oh, my God. I already miss you.

Oh, my God. Are we in a fight?

- No. I'm gonna get you accessories, okay? - Get out of here, you. (Blows kiss)

- Bye. All right. See you soon. - Whoo! (Breathes deeply)

- Gay enough for you, Pen? - Slut! Come help me out of this split!

He's the gay of my dreams.

Is Dave still meeting us? I don't know.

I haven't seen him since he went