Jeeves and Wooster

- Is that it? - Help me get this out, Bertie.

That you back there, Mr Wooster?

Yes, yes, it's me, Mr Coneybear.

Come on, Bertie. I've got to get home and change.

Good evening, Miss Pendlebury.

I'm just making sure my painting gets here safely.

Bertie, just put it down over there.

- Over? - Lean it against the desk.

Carefully now! Not too near the fire. I'll varnish it tomorrow.

- A small whisky's in order, Jeeves. - Very good, sir.

You haven't got time. We've got to be at the party in an hour.

I'll meet you at Gilhooley & Pim's. You know the address? Good!

- Bye, Jeeves. - Good evening, Miss Pendlebury.

What a wonderful girl that Gwladys Pendlebury is.

She seems a vigorous lady, sir.

And something of a hot tip in the art world too, I'm told.

- I'd like your opinion on the work. - Very good, sir.

You may ask, Jeeves, why I should spend money

commissioning a portrait of Aunt Agatha, scourge of the Woosters.

It did occur to me, sir, to wonder.

This comparatively small investment

may allow young Bertram to live out his remaining years in peace.

Struck all of a heap by her nephew's homage,

said scourge will give her blessing to his marriage to the talented artist.

To wit, Gwladys Pendlebury.

If you say so, sir.

Jeeves, you don't like this spot of art?

In my untutored opinion, sir,

she has given Mrs Gregson somewhat too hungry an expression.

A little like a dog regarding a distant bone.

There is no resemblance to a dog regarding a distant bone.

The look to which you refer is one of wisdom and tolerance.

I asked Miss Pendlebury to include that look, at no extra charge,

even though no such expression was apparent in the photograph she used.

I see, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

We hope you're all having as much fun as we of Gilhooley & Pim are.

My name is Lucius Pim.

And just as our agency is proud

to be advertising Slingsby's new range of Superb Soups,

I'm proud to introduce you to Mr Alexander Slingsby.

We will not fail the American people.

Come rain, shine or snow,

through good times or bad,

we will continue to provide Slingsby's Superb Soups

to the tables of this great country of ours.

- isn't it great? - Well...

- I love advertising, don't you? - Well...

Oh, look, here comes Lucius now.

- You were wonderful! - Well, thanks.

- Bertie, meet Lucius Pim. - What ho, Lucius.

- You in soup? - Well, not yet.

Well, excuse me.

Bertie!

Tuppy! I thought you were back in England.

No. No, I'm here. I'm trying to meet Alexander Slingsby.

What for?

I can't tell you, Bertie. I'm sorry. It's a secret.

What's the best soup in the world?

I like that one they do at the Drones the day after shepherd's pie. They...

No, no, no. It's a soup called Cock-a-Leekie.

My old nanny used to make it. There are millions in this.

I'll sell Slingsby the secret recipe, on a royalty basis, you understand.

For every tin they sell, I'll collect a ha'penny.

And what does Slingsby say?

I haven't been able to meet him yet. He won't reply to my letters.

That's why I've had to come here, to... Anyway, it can't fail, Bertie.

I just have to catch a whiff of that soup and I'm...

Oh...

Transported back to my childhood.

But does the populus at large want to be transported back to your childhood?

What do you mean?

- I say! There's Elizabeth over there. - Who's Elizabeth?

Elizabeth Vickers is the woman I intend to marry.

Marry? Well, congratulations!

She doesn't know about it yet. I'm going to ask her tonight. Come on!

My husband will be so interested. Alexander lives and breathes soup.

Elizabeth, I'd like you to meet an old friend.

Hildebrand, this is Mrs Slingsby.

Of Slingsby's Superb Soups? Oh, how do you..

Aah!

I'm most awfully sorry. I...

- Oh, it's all right! - You're so clumsy, Hildebrand!

What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you all right, Tallulah?

- Well, I was just... - Mr Slingsby, I don't know...

- You keep out of it! - Yes, quite.

Leave Mrs Slingsby alone, Wooster!

- Well, of all the... - Cut along.

You've done enough damage for one night.

What my idea is is this, Mr Slingsby. I have this humdinger of a soup...

I'm not at all easy in my mind about a cove by the name of Lucius Pim, Jeeves.

Apart from being something called an advertising agent,

and in a position to do Gwladys good professionally, his hair waves.

One must never discount wavy hair.

I shall endeavour to remember that. Will that be all, sir?

Yes, Jeeves, that'll be all. Good night.

Good night, sir.

It's strangely satisfying watching you varnish Aunt Agatha.

My aunt is something of a byword in art circs, isn't that so, Jeeves?

- Indeed so, sir. - In what way?

Know the Gregson-Prysock gallery?

- Of course. - My Aunt Agatha is the Gregson bit.

Her name being Gregson, it was to be expected.

- This is Agatha Gregson? - Yes.

- Coffee, miss? - Thank you, Jeeves.

Why didn't you say? If she likes my portrait, it could do me a lot of good.

Of course she'll like it. Won't she, Jeeves?

I'm sure Mrs Gregson will lose no time in expressing her opinion, miss.

Yes, we must get her to see it soon.

Aunt Agatha's in England at the moment

but we'll take it over with us next month.

- Mrs Gregson to see you, sir. - Ah. Aah!

- Bertie. - Aunt Agatha!

- What are you doing in America? - Sit!

As you can see, Bertie, your cousins have at last been apprehended.

- Apprehended? - Kindly do not interrupt me, Bertie.

They sail for South Africa tomorrow on the Pride Of Natal. I...

Good heaven!

- Is that supposed to be me? - As a matter of fact...

- What an extraordinary daub! - Look here!

Who, pray, are you?

- I'm glad you asked. - Don't you talk to me like that!

You are not the dealer

who's trying to pass this discoloured canvas off on my nephew?

Oh!

Gwladys! Gwladys!

Wait! Wait!

Never speak to me again, Bertie Wooster!

Gwladys!

One comes to recognise these shady art dealers, you know.

That was Gwladys Pendlebury. She painted the picture.

Oh, poor girl. You should have told me, Bertie.

Had I known she was responsible,

I would have been more forthright in my criticism.

You could hardly have been more forthright without physical violence.

It is as well for a girl to be aware of her shortcomings early on in life.

To get back to Claude and Eustace, they leave tomorrow.

- But aren't they at Oxford? - They were expelled.

- We behaved badly. We realise that. - Very badly.

Be still. Their father is determined that they shall start life anew in the Colonies.

- Their father's dead. - It is but a veil, Bertie.

The veil can be pierced.

Until they sail, they're in your charge.

- Mine? - You will put them up here tonight

and see they're ready to board the Pride Of Natal tomorrow morning.

Jolly decent of you to put us up.

Not at all. I only wish you were staying a good long time.

Hear that, Eustace? He wishes it was for a good long time.

What do you propose to do, Bertie,

in the way of entertaining your handsome guests tonight?

Erm... Well... I suppose we could have a bit of dinner in the flat.

- And afterwards? - Afterwards?

I... We might chat of this and that.

It struck me that you'd probably want to turn in early

as your boat sails first thing in the morning.

No! No! No more champagne! No, I want to go home!

- Good afternoon, sir. - Oh! Oh...

Jeeves. Jeeves, I'm getting too old for all this.

I feel like something that's been rejected by the Pure Food Committee.

Ugh! Ah!

- What time is it? - Just before one o'clock, sir.

The boat! The boat!

I put Mr Claude and Mr Eustace into a taxi for the docks at half past seven.

Oh, thank heavens, Jeeves! A-1.

I may have satisfied the scourge. What on earth will I do about Gwladys?

Aunt Agatha's behaviour was beyond the rabbit-proof fence.

Would you prefer breakfast or luncheon, sir, when you are dressed?

Oh, breakfast, I think. No need to let standards drop.

- Run my bath, will you? - Very good, sir.

- Hello? - What ho, Bertie.

Had a nice refreshing sleep?

- You're meant to be in South Africa. - It's like this.

Remember that wonderful singer you introduced me to at Ciro's?

- Marion? - Marion.

- We're soul mates, Bertie. - Oh, pish!

Soul mates. I gave Eustace the slip at the customs shed.

Is that breakfast you're having or lunch?

I'll go and see what old Jeeves can rustle up. I'm famished.

- But... - Smooth work, Bertie. Smooth work.

What are you doing here?

I eluded poor old Claude in the customs shed and sneaked off!

If you expected me to go sloping off to South Africa,

you shouldn't have introduced me to Marion.

- What a girl, Bertie! - Yes, yes, yes.

I'm not a man who falls in love with every girl he sees.

Strong and silent are the best adjectives you could find for me.

But when I do meet my affinity...

What are you doing here?

Have you come back to inflict your beastly society on Miss Wardour?

Is that why you sneaked back in this underhand fashion?

Underhand? I like that!

Well, may the best man win, that's what I say.

Never mind the best man. What about me? Suppose Aunt Agatha finds out.