30 Rock

Miss Lemon! Let me help you out.

Thanks, Kenneth.

What are all these little plastic containers for?

Are you pickling squirrel meat? Cause I can lend you my skull presser

No, I went to the new flagship compartment store on 5th Avenue

and got everything I need to get my life in order.

A stacker thing to separate junk mail from your humidifier catalogs.

A thing you stick on your laptop that holds your keys.

A round plastic deal that holds your shoes

with a pocket for a photograph

of what shoes are in there.

I'm going to become wonderful.

It's a new beginning.

- Like a phoenix rise... - Look out!

Or...

maybe this is gonna be the worst day ever.

Subtitles: - Feygnasse Team -

Synch: Collioure

Episode 314: "The Funcooker"

Morning meeting.

Everybody shut up. Shut up, Lutz.

Already today,

I have lost faith in decor-ganizing,

chipped a tooth...

And lost a shoving match to what I thought

was a female bike messenger.

So I am asking all of you for the next 12 to 14 hours

to just be cool. Let's have a normal day.

- Guys, seriously, be cool. - Why are you not wearing pants?

They still have the heat set for winter, and my office is boiling.

Put on your pants!

Please make me a dentist appointment today.

You can't go today. You have jury duty.

What? No! I'm registered in Illinois.

How did New York find me?

I changed your voter registration for you.

What's wrong? You told me to be more proactive.

I told you to buy more Proactiv!

Mr. Donaghy wants to see you now about what Jenna and Tracy did

during St. Patrick's day parade.

Was it something good?

Have a seat. It was very simple.

I asked you two to host NBC's coverage of St. Patrick's day parade.

Read the cue cards. Promote the show. So would you explain to Mr. O'Cannon

why it went so very wrong?

Sir, as I'm sure you know from reading my blog,

I'm currently shooting a feature film inspired by,

but, for legal reasons, not based on Janis Joplin.

Synonym's just another word for the word you wanna use

we can't sing the original songs, but it's gonna be phenomenal.

But, between the movie at night and working here during the day,

I am so exhausted.

So when I got to the parade...

That's no excuse, ye banshee.

You and this gravy face have slarneyed up

a real donnybrook.

Here comes the County Cork steppers.

Their traditional dance celebrates the spirit

and the ingenuity of the Irish people.

Wake up, mother...

You're a disgrace.

Passing out and cursing on St. Patrick's day?

Is nothing sacred?

I should be rewarded for going this long

without swearing on live TV.

The FCC disagrees. They've decided to make an example of you

- and fine you personally $50,000. - 50 grand?

Can anyone cut this in half?

Look at you! I told you. You're spreading yourself too thin.

- I only heard the thin part. - Lemon is right.

Obviously, you can't do both TGS and Janie Jimplin.

I choose the movie. My face is bigger on it.

I don't mean quit, Liz will find a way to make both work.

Am I right?

I'll have to use you less in the show.

And I'll scale back the movie. We could cut the lesbian scene.

But the Oscars love that kind of thing.

There's 2 guys in my gym named Oscar.

You have got to start taking care of yourself.

You're a wreck.

I am fine.

Jenna, that's a glue stick.

You're going to the doctor.

OK, great meeting.

Let's try to have a calm week downstairs, shall we?

Yes, I'm trying.

I don't need any distractions. On Friday,

Microwaves is announcing a very big project

or, should I say, very little?

The pocket microwave?

You can buy it on Friday along with everyone else.

It has a ham button. You used my idea!

I understand what it's like having too much on your plate.

Between medical practice and this job, I'm pulled in every direction.

What can I do, doctor? Haven't been this tired

since I was forced to do that dance marathon in Dubai.

I can give you these pamphlets on stress

and diet and doing a movie and a TV show at same time.

But they're all gonna tell you that you need to give something up.

And they're wrong.

You can burn the candle at both ends.

Go on.

My lab works is in the field of sleep research.

Mostly because I checked the wrong box on a form once.

We are current working on a pill

that keeps people awake under any circumstances.

It's being funded by the U.S. Military and the WNBA.

- Does it work? - It's kept my lab rats awake for days.

- But we're looking for human subjects. - Where do I sign up?

Please, we don't want a paper trail.

Take 25 of these a day for the rest of your life.

I am going to jury duty, but I will be right back.

I got my princess Leia outfit,

some Playgirl magazines from the early 1980s.

They will dismiss me immediately as a weirdo.

- Who's in charge while you're gone? - Let's see.

Pete is spending spring break with his kids,

so no one.

No one here is in charge in any way.

If no one's in charge,

who will yell at me for goofing up the lunch order?

We all will, Kenneth. We all will.

You guys are my best friends.

There you are! You wanna buy half a watch?

I have to pay my fine in cash.

I guess FCC stands for Federal Bunch of Sticklers.

I hope you've learned a lesson from this.

I sure have.

I learned that if you pay some money afterwards,

you can say whatever you want on TV.

I can even say what Ernest Borgnine whispered to me at...

Stop. That's not the lesson.

That's always the lesson.

If you have money, you can do whatever you want.

Now I'm off to appear on Martha Stewart live.

It's gonna be raunchy.

Great news.

I'm in the clinical trial for a military-grade anti-sleeping pill.

Of course you are.

Now I can still be on the show as much as you want and do the movie.

Look how much energy I have.

Come on, guys. I just have to go and get out of jury duty,

and we can talk about all of this when I get back.

I thought you left.

Listen to me.

I am not asking you this as the boss you love to undermine,

but as the friend whose birthday you love to forget.

Just be normal sauce for like two hours.

Please.

I will be right back.

And I don't really think it's fair for me

to be in a jury because I'm a hologram.

You seem fine to me. Report to jury room B.

Charles what now?

The subject's unusually thirsty.

Everyone shut up. Shut up, Lutz.

- Where's Lemon? - She went to get out of jury duty.

Can we get lunch from McDonald's?

I need your creative input.

I've spent the better part of last 3 years developing

a portable, miniature microwave oven.

Most of that time has been spent focused on coming up

with a hip name for the product,

that will appeal to the marketing holy trinity:

college students, morbidly obese, and homosexuals.

Unfortunately, legal just informed me

that the name we settled on for our bite-size microwave,

the bitenuker, is highly offensive to those

who speak French or Dutch.

A Franco-Dutchman would pronounce it "bet nyuker."

Zat's awful.

I'm sorry, miss Laroche-Van Der Hoot.

This product rolls out in 2 days.

We're in danger of losing the European market.

Everyone here needs to brainstorm new names.

Starting today, you are all members of the microwave division.

- We should make t-shirts! - Yes. And you're in charge of that.

Remember, this isn't TGS, guys.

Let's not shoot for the middle this time.

Absolutely not.

Excuse me, imperial guard,

how long do these arson trials typically last?

Couple of weeks, probably.

You can drop the voice.

This used to get me out of jury duty in Chicago all the time.

This ain't Chicago, honey. Look at these people.

Studio 6H.

- It's Liz. - Where are you?

The pig spoor has hit the wind spinner.

Mr. Jordan cussed at Martha Stewart,

Miss Maroney drank all the water out of the toilets.

And I keep starting to sneeze, but nothing comes out.

What? Does anyone there listen to me?

It's not my fault. You didn't put anyone in charge.

I've been put on a jury.

I'll head up there as soon as we are dismissed for the day.

Try not to let anything else bad happen.

I'm in charge.

Attention, everyone.

All menstruating women go home immediately.