Think Like a Man

From the beginning of mankind

and throughout the world's history,

there have been clearly defined rituals of manhood.

See, these rituals were definitive

in determining the exact moment

when a boy became a man.

(ROARS)

For example,

there's the moment when a boy joins the other men

in his first engagement in battle.

Did you know that they used to have public circumcisions in front of the village?

Thank God mine didn't go public.

And the most significant moment of all, marriage.

That's right, I said it.

In fact, marriage used to be

the ultimate goal of boys and men.

Because in the old days,

it was the only way a guy could get

what he really wanted from a girl.

See now today? Woo!

Things have changed, people.

I mean, men, we don't have to work

as hard to get what we want.

We got the Internet, for God's sake.

I can be whatever I want on the Internet.

Today, men have the home court advantage,

which has left you ladies

with several different types of men.

I mean, I don't even know where to start.

You got the Player.

Hi, Zekey.

You sexted?

Those aren't mine, asshole.

You sure that's not...

Wait a minute, I'm not done. You got the Mama's Boy.

Happy, Valentine's Day, sweetie.

And you, too, Mom.

Thank you, sweetie.

You know, I think I'm just gonna leave you two alone.

Wait, babe, where are you going?

It's okay, Michael. I don't want to intrude.

I'll call you? Or not.

Poor little thing.

She's blonde.

You got the Dreamer. The Dreamer's funny.

So I quit my job.

Yeah,

I wanna be a chef.

You wanted to be a paramedic,

you wanted to be a PR agent, and now

you wanna be a chef?

Baby, it's my dream.

Really, Dominic?

Because I wanted to be a ballerina

and Janet Jackson.

When I was seven.

Do you know what I wanna be now?

No.

Your ex.

And last but not least,

you got the Non-Committer. Pass the ball!

This one is from me.

All right, baby.

All right! Now it's a party. Drum roll. MICHAEL: Okay, big guy.

Oh, my God. I will, I will, I will, yes!

You will what?

Oh.

Earrings

that I will always treasure.

You the man, boy.

Told you.

Yo! You need a beer?

Now I'm not saying

there aren't a lot of good men out there.

Take, for instance, the Happily Married Man.

Which brings us to my personal favorite,

you got the Happier Divorced Guy.

Look at that smile.

What I'm saying is,

the balance of power has shifted.

But, Zeke, those aren't my only issues with Gail,

it's the nagging, it's the yelling,

it's the crazy mood swings.

I mean, you're not gonna talk to me no kind of way.

I'm a grown-ass man.

Grown-ass man.

You know me, Dom, I'm grown.

Them weren't the only problems

you was having with Gail, though, right?

Yo, Zeke, do not get that man started.

I'm asking a question!

No, let's get me started up.

Turn the key! Say it, get it out!

Rumor has it that Gail was whooping that ass.

What's the first word you said?

I think it was "whooping that ass."

No, first word you said was "rumor."

'Cause that's what it was, Zeke. It's a rumor.

Ced, you walked in the gym the other day

with a little nugget in the side of your eye.

I fell down the steps, Mike! Okay?

I got steps, my steps got a slope in them.

You ever walked down a slope with dress shoes on?

Wait, so, she kicked your ass, then you fell down the steps?

See, now it makes perfect sense.

That's real funny.

Look at the white man trying to make light of the relationship issues

of a brother. It's not like that.

No, it is like that. Let me tell you something, J.

Black people marched and died

for the right to fight and treat each other like shit.

Oh, my God. You did not march,

you do not have that right. Neither do you, Bennett.

I saw it on TV.

They show those marches a lot in February.

Stop.

Your wife kicked your ass. It's really not that big of a deal.

There's worse things. It's my ex-wife. Okay?

Y'all need to get in the habit of saying that. Ex-wife.

You know, it really kills me

how y'all like to laugh at my pain.

I can't wait till y'all experience

the shit I'm experiencing.

I say Rush Street, first round on Bennett.

Uh...

I'm supposed to have dinner with Kristen tonight.

She'll understand, she's cool. I'll send her a text.

Welcome back, everybody.

We are still here

with best-selling author Steve Harvey.

Well, what I try to get women to understand

is that times have changed,

but your playbook hasn't.

I've gotten thousands of letters

from all kinds of women

who can't seem to find a man, keep a man

or get what they want from their man.

Until you understand how a man loves,

how a man operates, how he thinks,

until you get into the mindset of a man,

you will never win with us in the game of love.

Well, we certainly want to win with you

in the game of love, Steve.

We have a question in the audience.

Hi, Steve.

I've been living with my boyfriend for five years

and he says that he loves me and he's fully committed.

I guess what I want to know

is how come he hasn't popped the question?

He hasn't popped the question

because you haven't required him to.

We'll be right back.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Can I get two beers? Hey!

I'm Cedric. Cedric, Cedric.

Yeah, I'm not married.

That's why I'm not wearing a ring.

I'm sorry,

but Jesus has my heart.

Yeah, no, no, no, I get that.

I love Jesus, too.

I talked to him today,

I was like, "Jesus," I said, "I need a girl!"

And I get here and I see you,

so I was like, "Thank you."

You see Ced over there trying to pull that PYT?

Oh, she bad as hell.

See, thinking like that,

you lose the game before you even step in.

What are you talking about?

I'ma go on and leave.

Hey.

She's crazy. And I don't like her knees.

Excuse me, Miss, I noticed that you were...

Honestly, I couldn't care less

about whatever it is you have to say.

And I can appreciate that.

I just know that I've seen you here before

and you're usually so stunning...

And you'll always have those memories.

In fact, why don't you walk away and pretend this...

I don't know what I did to make you so defensive.

All I'm saying is, whatever it is,

it's no reason to let yourself go, that's it.

Let myself go?

I didn't mean any disrespect...

Let me tell your tired ass something.

Something's changed.

Usually, there's an aura,

there's a glint about you that I'm not seeing.

And I don't know if it's a relationship

or if it's job related, it's just...

Is that it?

It's work related?

Well, to be honest,

I was laid off from my job about two months ago.

This damn economy.

How'd it go? CEDRIC: Not good, man.

Yo, I literally have nothing to say anymore.

I don't know what's going on.