Seinfeld

You know, doctors must be such a prestigious occupation...

but it's one of the only jobs...

where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall.

It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't it?

"I really am a doctor, you know.

If you think I'm not, just check it out."

I don't know why they need these little bits...

of psychological leverage over us.

"Go in that room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes...

then I'll give you my opinion."

After that, anybody with pants on...

seems like they know what they're talking about.

In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no pants.

Can I say one word to you?

Lobster.

The lobster here is unbelievable.

A little expensive.

- Twenty-five dollars. - Yes, well, you know...

I'm not thinking about the price.

You know, you're the only woman I've never thought about the price.

Get the lobster. I beg you to get it.

- Go for it. Go for the lobster. - George...

George...

I think we have to talk.

I think we have a problem.

We do?

We can't keep seeing each other.

Why?

Because it's over.

It's my parents, George.

The differences in our religion...

George...

can you ever forgive me?

Have you decided yet?

Yes. I'll have the lobster.

You know, I'm starting to think that maybe lobster isn't the way to go.

- What? He asked you out? - We started to talk, I told him I jog...

and he put his hand on my heart. - On your heart?

- Jerry, the man is a doctor. - Doctor. He's a podiatrist.

So? Same thing.

Anyone can get into podiatry school. George got into podiatry school.

- Really? - Sure.

- Hello. - Oh, hi.

- Are you gonna be stopping by later? - Yes, I'll be stopping.

- Okay. I'll see you later. - See you later.

Well, we can't all be dating podiatrists.

- It's over. - What?

- How'd you get in? - Kramer.

- What's that? - Lobster.

Looks like a swan.

- She says we can't go out anymore. - Why?

Because I'm not Latvian Orthodox.

Her parents won't let her date anyone who isn't Latvian Orthodox!

Latvian Orthodox?

It is lobster.

She's limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox?

- That's too bad. - I know.

This was the only woman I never lied to.

Well, that's not entirely true.

Oh, whatever.

- This is delicious. - Succulent.

She knew I didn't have a job. She knew I lived at home.

Didn't seem to bother her.

I think I could have married this woman.

Why don't you just ask her parents?

I can't. I met them. They're devout.

You know, in the cab on the way over here, I...

I actually thought about converting.

- To Latvian Orthodox? - Why not? What do I care?

You know, it's not like changing toothpaste.

I think it would be romantic.

- Really? - Yeah. It's like Edward Vlll...

abdicating the throne to marry Mrs. Simpson.

Like King Edward.

- Like King Edward, Jerry. - Yeah, well...

King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.

You know what? I could probably do this.

- What's the difference? - George, I was just kidding around.

I wouldn't even tell her. I could surprise her.

- George, I wasn't serious. - How hard could it be?

You make a little contribution, you have a ceremony.

I am gonna think about this.

I am really gonna think about this.

- I guess this one is my fault. - Oh, yeah.

That was nice. Have you always been such a good kisser?

I don't know. Not always.

No?

No, I... I had to work at it.

As a kid, while kids were out playing, I'd be in my room practicing kissing.

It was worth it.

I'll be right back.

- Where are you going? - To wash my hands.

- They're sticky from the orange. - Meet you back here?

- Right there. - Okay.

Fungicide?

Fungus?

Fungicide.

- I mean, what could she have? - I don't know.

- Fungus. - Exactly.

- So, what'd you say? - I said I was coming down...

with the flu and I had to go home.

What were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?

I didn't open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.

- You were snooping. - I was not snooping.

I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering.

- I wouldn't do that. - I would.

I always open medicine cabinets.

Well, I trust people not to do that.

Big mistake.

Why don't you ask that doctor what it is.

Now he's a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.

But that's what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus.

They're knee-deep in fungus. This guy knows fungus.

I am not going to ask him about funguses.

Fungi.

- What? - Fungi.

Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith?

In this age of uncertainty and confusion...

a man begins to ask himself certain questions.

How can one even begin to put into words something so...

Enigmatic?

- Vast? - No, not vast.

Well, whatever it is, basically you like the religion.

- Yes. - Is there one aspect of the faith...

you find particularly attractive?

I think the hats.

The hat conveys that solemn religious look you want in a faith.

Very pious.

Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?

Well, perhaps not to the extent that you are, but...

But I know the basic plot, yeah.

- Plot? - Yes, you know, the flood...

and the lepers and the commandments and all that.

Well, it's obvious you are sincere in your desire.

Oh, yes, I am, Father. Incredibly sincere.

So...

am I in?

The first step would be to familiarize yourself...

with these texts.

You see, Father, I'm incredibly anxious to become a member.

Don't you offer any kind of an express conversion?

A quick change?

Yes?

Oh, I'm sorry. Father, there's a man waiting in the chapel.

Well, you may attend to it, Sister.

This is George Costanza. He is interested in joining the Church.

Are you? Well, that's wonderful.

- Well, good luck to you. - Thank you.

Nice nun.

No, no. Sister Roberta is not a nun.

She is what we call a novice.

She won't be taking her final vows until next Thursday.

May I help you?

Yeah. I'm here to pick up my friend, George Costanza.

- Well, he's in with the Father. - Oh, yeah.

- I'm Sister Roberta. - Oh, Kramer, yeah. It's a pleasure.

Mine.

I can't believe how easy it is. I'm virtually Orthodox.

All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers...

and I'm in the club.

- That's all there is to it? - That's all there is to it.

By Christmas Day, I will be Brother Costanza.

And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?

Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, a Slinky.

- Sister Roberta gave it to me. - Why'd she give you that?

Well, I think she liked me.

- What do you mean, she liked you? - Liked me.

Kramer, they like everybody. They're friendly people.

I think I picked up on a vibe.

- You picked up on a vibe from a nun. - Yeah.

Jerry, I'm telling you, I have this power...

and I have no control over it.

Yeah. All right.

That's my phone.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

Just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.

A little better.

Okay. If you need anything, let me know.

- Okay. All right. - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

Story.

She's subletting Carol's place for a month.

- Yeah. She likes you. - Yeah. But there's a problem.