Jack of All Trades

I'll have you know, my uncle is the President.

And when he finds out about this...

He will indeed be most upset.

Because when we send your headless body back to the White House,

it will be wrapped in the flag of England.

And Emperor Napoleon

will rejoice as your countries once again

go to war!

I would have knocked, but my fists had other plans.

Hey.

You won't be needing these, monsieur.

Who are you?

No time for introductions, Miss,

but if you ever wanna see the good old US of A again,

you'll come with me.

What now?

Sing!

(SINGING FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM)

Whoa.

Say, what's your dress size?

Kill him, you idiots!

How dare you!

What I mean is, how much do you weigh?

Ah, the heck with it.

What did you say your name was?

Stiles, Miss. Jack Stiles.

Jack, how can I ever repay you?

Oh! I'd say you're off to a pretty good start.

Beat it, turkey. I'm in the middle of some thanksgiving.

Open the door, Jack. It's Thomas Jefferson.

The President. Your uncle!

It's about time he found out I'm not a little girl anymore.

Are you out of your mind?

Jack, what's going on in there?

What can he do to us?

Oh, for the love of God, the man wrote the Declaration Of Independence.

He can always finish it with, "Except for Jack." Now, get going.

Mr. President, what a wonderful surprise.

May I take your wig?

Jack, I came to congratulate you on a job well done.

Well, I aim to please, sir.

Good, because I'm reassigning you.

Undercover, this time.

No kidding. Where to, Mr. President?

Paris? London?

Palau-Palau.

Pull out of who?

A small island in the East Indies.

Napoleon's sent one of his governors there to colonize the area.

Oh.

Listen, Jack, Napoleon's hell-bent on taking over the world,

and Palau-Palau is his first stop.

You wouldn't wanna be speaking French

for the rest of your life, now, would you, Jack?

Oh, all those silent X's?

My throat hurts just thinking about it, sir.

Good man. Pack everything. You'll be gone forever.

Or at least until Napoleon's six feet under.

Gee, I can't thank you enough.

Your contact will meet you when you arrive and explain your cover.

The fate of the free world rests in your hands, Jack.

Good luck!

Oh, and Jack?

Touch my niece,

I'll have George Washington chop off your cherry tree.

Luckily, I don't have a cherry tree.

In 1801, the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

Oh, whoa!

Slow down there, Daddy-o.

Hey, who's your little friend?

Give him back, he's mine!

Bad man.

Somebody sterilize that kid.

The Daring Dragoon.

Much as I hate to say it, Miss, you've got the wrong guy.

Not you, the doll.

The Dragoon's a local folk hero, a myth.

Say, your English ain't bad.

Perhaps because I'm English.

Ha, thought I recognized the accent.

Listen, I hope you're not still upset

we told your King where to stick his crown.

I'd hate to have politics come between us.

My dear Mr. Stiles,

you're going to have to comport yourself

if you're to be my personal attaché.

Hey, how do you know my...

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You're my contact?

Emilia Rothschild.

Yes, I'm a woman. Get over it.

Whoa, sister, let's get one thing straight right now.

I take my orders from the President.

Jack, shut up and do what the lady says, T.J.

That's what I get for voting.

Here we are.

Say, not bad. The King pays his spies well.

I'll have you know, Mr. Stiles,

that everything you see here has been purchased

with profits from my export enterprise.

Your cover will be your livelihood as well.

So, tell me, is there a Mr. Stick-in-the-mud?

Indeed there is.

If you'd like to meet him, just walk six blocks north to the local cemetery,

plot six A, and do bring some flowers.

He was a Frenchman.

You see, my husband and I shared a burning contempt for Napoleon's imperialism

and we established ourselves here to build our cover.

Sorry. He seemed like a swell guy.

Let me show you where you'll be staying till you get on your feet.

It's an illusion, Mr. Stiles. Come through.

Me without my marshmallows.

A simple trick of smoke and mirrors.

It's kind of clever.

Come along.

Welcome to my laboratory.

Wow.

What, are you like a mad scientist or something?

Only mildly irritated. Don't touch anything!

What the hell is this thing?

It's a breathing apparatus.

Well, it's not frigging working.

Watch the hair.

I've had my laboratory soundproofed,

so we can safely discuss our missions.

And this is where you'll be residing. Oh.

So, if I were to, say, have company over in the wee hours,

you'd snore right through it, eh?

I suppose so, in theory.

However I didn't think I'd find it necessary

to point out this is a secret lab.

Well, that's fine by me. I've never been one to kiss and tell.

Oh, all right.

At least we'll have each other.

Mr. Stiles, we may as well clear this up right now.

You will never find our bodies occupying the same horizontal plane.

To put it another way,

you will never know the sensation of my tongue

exploring your forbidden nether regions.

In other words,

we will never stare lazily at the ceiling

after a night of slow lovemaking

and pondering the meaning of the word "Happiness."

Have I made myself perfectly clear?

Yeah.

Well, who asked you?

Now, then, the mission.

An infantry of French soldiers

arrived shortly before you did.

No doubt, the Governor plans to give them their attack orders.

I've arranged for tea with him this afternoon.

We must find those orders before the soldiers set sail

and warn their intended target.

Now, remember.

At the appropriate time, you will excuse yourself

and search the Governor's study.

Right. We must find those orders.

Poise, Mr. Stiles.

Poise and grace.

I think a little to the left...

Just a pinch more.

Madam, what a delightful surprise.

Tell me, what do you think of my family portrait?

It just arrived from France.

No artist could ever capture the complexities of a man

such as yourself, Governor Croque.