An Idiot Abroad

Narrator: Marco Polo... one of the world's greatest explorers.

In the 13th century,

he embarked on an epic journey from Venice to China

that took over three years to complete.

Now Ricky Gervais is sending his mate Karl pilkington

to follow in his footsteps.

But this time, he's got a little company.

Will you stop just puffing and panting like that?

It's like a primark sale.

He said if he did again, he'd want some company this time.

He meant me, but I've sent someone in my place.

Pilkington: Grab hold of that.

Davis: I can't see.

They're like chalk and cheese. Karl whinges all the time.

He's doing me head in. He's treating it like a holiday.

He says he doesn't want adventure,

he doesn't want stress.

- I'm just not a good swimmer. - Once you're in, it'll be fine.

Warwick never says no.

He'll take on a challenge.

Tease the camera. Tease the camera.

Now do a little bit from "Oliver!"

Good.

Hey.

It's not the night for this, is it?

Why don't you have to do it?

I'm not doing it.

Gervais: They're gonna have the adventure of their lifetime,

whether they like it or not.

Whoa.

Narrator: Previously on "An Idiot Abroad"...

Gervais: Dick Whittington had a cat with him

and you went, "why take a cat?"

Take a little mate.

I just think you're gonna be a hindrance.

This is your idea to come to the party.

You go in there.

Woman: This is good.

Pilkington: Brilliant, Warwick. "Bring them over," he said.

Let's have some company."

Man: One, two. One, two.

There's no way that I'm having it

that Warwick's a better dancer than me.

No way.

It seems what Warwick wants, Warwick gets.

Oh!

Whoa!

I never had a kite.

Get me down.

Pilkington: What you're gonna see now,

you'll never get the chance to see again.

The spider sisters.

I'm just gonna wait outside,

let Karl go and ask his questions.

Do you have the main and you have the pudding?

I don't know why you're so fascinated with it.

Because it is something different.

I've done a lot for him, now. Let me have a bit of "me" time.

I've come to see them because they're different.

That's all it is, it's not to poke fun.

It's because they're different.

People out there are coming in here to see new things.

Look at the crowd Warwick got.

Hello.

It'd be good if Warwick was willing to sit on there

and raise some more money.

I'll sit there... white person, bald...

they've never seen that before.

They've never seen a little man before.

Would it make any difference,

for them money-wise

if me and Warwick were to stay on the stage as well?

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She said it's good, yeah, she doesn't mind.

Ok, let's have a way with Warwick.

Oh great. It's embarrassing. I'm not just gonna go and stand there,

and have people look.

Do you know what I mean? Well... what's the... what's the point?

Karl? What are you doing?

Just when ** you said the weirdest,

stupidest thing ever,

you top it.

I think it's weird that we're pulling ourselves on this side.

That's what making this horrible.

If we all just sat there together, it's not a problem.

You sit there, I'll sit behind you. People come in.

I'll give you a sense of party.

You do what you wanna do when you need to,

so obviously you **, you do that, and I'll...

I'll go outside and wait.

I don't... I don't understand his priorities.

He's happy to dress up as leprechauns,

and ** and stuff, but he won't sit on the stage which he likes...

and he won't let me comb his hair.

Everything we've been through,

together.

Man: They say they've come to see Warwick.

Why? Why Warwick, not me?

I can't see any merit in me doing it.

If I had something to do, something to give here,

then so be it.

It's a performance. But it isn't.

Me just sitting there...

I'm not bringing anything to the table here, am I?

_

Who, me?

_

But round head.

Both: Oh.

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-_ - Come on.

What do you look like, Karl?

I need you. You're my partner.

But what are we doing then?

I will comb your hair. I'll massage you.

Are you all right? Are you all right?

Ben Fogle wouldn't have left James Cracknell.

Cannon and Ball always did stuff together.

The Chuckle Brothers... there wasn't a word with one chuckle.

You're standing there, getting an eyeful for free.

Warwick, just get on the stage.

Shout his name.

Warwick, Warwick, Warwick, Warwick.

This is ridiculous. Yes.

You bastard.

Yay!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

I'm going to bloody kill you.

Man: Warwick, you okay?

Not really.

I think I'm having some sort of weird dream here.

Ah, thank you. Thank you.

All right, you're all right.

Yeah, go on then, that's it.

Yeah, that's it. Give it a good squeeze.

Aah!

There you go.

Very nice.

Thank you, ladies, very much.

Thank you very much.

Easy, easy.

It's one bit of fun.

That's all it was.

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Pilkington: You are never gonna see the Spider Sisters

or anything like it again.

Davis: Okay.

You could see this again, quite easily.

No, I just don't want to talk about that whole scenario again.

It's like sulfur docks, this.

So, how far are we going on this boat?

- I'm not in the mood for it. - Why?

Got the

It's a bit funny I've got the and you haven't.

Well, I'm careful.

Well, you haven't been getting into it, have you?

You've been having deep-pan pizzas every day.

I wanted you to get ill.

But why does that bother you so much?

Because then you can be part of the team.

It's like the red-ass gang.

At least then... I don't know... you won't annoy me as much.

It's annoying me how you're not ill,

and you're not experiencing what everyone else is.

If I'm chucking up in the toilet with the .

You'd come in and pat me on the back

and say, "great, Warwick"?

Well, yeah, that's what's connection with you.

So your connection with me

would be through my ass, then?

Come on, better go catch the boat, Karl.

Nice smell of piss in the air.

Thank you very much.

Mind your step here, Karl. It's not even hooked on.

Have you been on a cruise before?

No.

And I won't be again, if they're all like this.

It's not good when the carpet's dumped, though, is it?

Hell, the Titanic was brought up and looked better than this.

Davis: Thanks very much.

Yeah, it's my room.

He's just helping me with my luggage.

Well, there's the toilet.

Pilkington: To be honest, that is useful for me,

though not at the moment.

The toilet's got a shower door on it.

That's well, the way it's spurting out of my ass.