ted

- The other night I was out at a basketball game

with my whole family. - Right.

- And I only asked this guy in front of me to just sit down

a bit so I could see, and he beat me unmercifully.

He beat me very badly and my hairpiece fell off.

And it was awful, because when he beat me,

my teeth were also in my hairpiece.

Oh, man.

The Jerky Boys are like the greatest

living comedy geniuses.

I know.

It's like the telephone was just

sitting there for 100 years and it took these two guys--

both: To figure out what it was for.

See, yeah, you understand. You understand.

All right. I gotta take a leak.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

Clive, 2 o'clock.

He follows you in there, you're a dead man.

This is bad.

I really got to go.

You saw me down that Capri Sun at lunch.

I know. You were sucking that straw

like it promised you a modeling contract.

But Johnny, you got to hold it.

It's not safe to hold your pee.

You got to do it, man.

Just think about baseball.

That's not how it works.

Think about your dad coming out of the bedroom

naked on a weekend.

What the fuck?

With his hog hanging out of his robe

waving like a bat sleeping through an earthquake.

Shut the fuck up, all right?

Just follow me in there and stand guard.

All right.

All right, go on, get to peeing.

All right, just watch the door.

OK.

- Shit. - Go on, hurry up.

I can't, all right?

There's another guy in here and I'm pee shy.

Jesus Christ. Hey dude, do you mind?

My buddy's self conscious.

Yeah, I thought he might be having some trouble

when I didn't hear anything.

I just want you to know, you take all the time you need to.

I won't judge.

Oh, here we go.

Thank you.

That is all the thanks I need.

Wait.

Jesus?

All right. It's OK.

Everything's going to be OK.

Oh shit, he's here. Wrap it up.

That's not how it works.

Hey, look who's here.

It's Bennett.

And he's got his little boyfriend with him.

All right, Clive, what if I am his boyfriend?

What if we are having an affair?

I can satisfy him in a way you never could.

Oof!

Better be careful, Bennett.

You wouldn't want to slip!

Yeah.

Nice going, Bennett.

Pee much?

Why don't you go ask your mother's face?

Oh Jesus, I am so sorry.

That was so over the line.

What the fuck, dude? That's sick.

It was out of my mouth before I knew what it was.

Kind of like your mother.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?

I am so sorry.

I deserve what's about to happen to me.

Yeah, no shit.

Drink up, asshole. - Oh shit.

Wait, no, not the toilet.

I'm not supposed to get wet.

It said so on my tag!

Teddy.

Teddy?

Well, the joke's on us, Johnny.

Pipes don't go anywhere.

The kids are just flushing them back and forth all day.

Yuck.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help,

and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.

I've seen this episode before.

It's a good one.

How can you watch that shit?

It's just car chases and blowing stuff up.

Why did you just say two good things

as if they're two bad things?

Give us a break, Blaire. Jesus.

We had a hard day.

And this show is very educational.

We're learning about the struggles of Vietnam veterans

and how to turn a wood chipper into a cannon

that shoots cabbages.

Matty, Dr. Frankel called when you were at work today.

He says you're overdue for a colonoscopy.

Yeah, I'm not getting one of those.

He says it's important.

- That guy's a quack. - No, he's not.

He's very smart.

Not all Jewish doctors are smart, Susan.

That's one of those stereotypes.

Wow.

Even when you're technically on the right side,

you still find a way to ruin it.

What?

I just said they're not all smart.

Some of them Hebrews are just in it for the money.

That is beyond fucking offensive.

Sorry. Hebrews and Shebrews.

Honey, it's a routine test.

You're sedated the whole time.

It wasn't so bad when I did it.

What?

When the hell did you have a colonoscopy?

Last year when I was having my tummy troubles.

- Where was I? - You drove me.

No, I didn't.

Well, I had you drop me off across the street at the mall.

I didn't want to worry you.

And plus you needed undershirts,

and Jordan Marsh was having a sale.

This is hilarious.

You're afraid of a procedure Aunt Sue's got done

without even telling you.

I don't remember picking you up.

- I walked home. - She walked home.

It's just a couple of miles.

Couldn't feel my legs anyway,

so it didn't matter if my pumps got slushy.

Well, Matty, it's your move.

My move is I'm getting a beer.

My results were negative.

Oh gosh, he seems so worried.

Man, I wish the A-Team was real.

That way we could hire him to beat the shit out of Clive.

Who's Clive?

This fucking goon at school who picks on us.

Is that Muriel's son Clive?

I don't know, is Muriel's son a sadistic steroid bully

with a pee fetish?

Oh, that poor boy.

He doesn't have a father, you know.

Huh?

Oh yeah, he walked out on Muriel

before Clive was even born.

It's probably why he's so unhappy.

It's a classic defense mechanism.

Hurt people hurt people.

Wait, wait, wait, are you saying

Clive is a bastard child?

His mother is so sweet.

Must be hard.

Johnny, we have been blessed with information

we can weaponize.

What do you mean?

What would the Jerky Boys do?

All right, found it.

555-3816.

Oh, we are going to fuck this guy's head up so bad.

Hello?

Clive, this is your father.

- What? - I'm your father.

I abandoned you when you were a baby.

Sorry about that. I had a rough day.

Dad, is this really you?

Yes, Clive.

This is so totally fucking your dad.

Dad, I knew you'd call someday.

Mom said you wouldn't, but I just knew it.

Where are you?

I mean, can I meet you?

Holy shit, he wants to meet.

This is fucking classic.

- What do I say? - Say yes.

Tell him to meet you at Friendly's tomorrow.

Yeah, sure, be at Friendly's tomorrow after school.

And wear a sailor suit.

A sailor suit?

Yeah, I spent some time in the Navy,

so it's sentimental for me, you know.

I fought in the war. - Whoa. Which one?

You got that right, my friend.

I don't like talking about it though,

especially in specifics.

Man, that's so cool.

And I mean a real sailor suit, all right?

Like the kid on the Cracker Jack box.

But where do I get a sailor suit?