The Nanny

Oh, my neck is killing me.

Who ever knew a tennis match could be so strenuous

Agassi's tush. Sampras's tush.

Agassi's tush. Sampras's tush.

Fran, you've never been to a tournament before

Well, a Mah Jong tournament.

The only thing that gets those tushes moving..

is to rip the cellophane off the deli platter

You know, I came here to see some famous athletes

Where's Monica Seles, Shaq, Joe Montana?

Brighton, just because they own the place..

doesn't mean they're actually gonna be here bussing tables

Hi. I'm Monica Seles.

Welcome to the All Star Cafe.

Oh, my God, do you know who this is? What am I, an idiot

Honey, can I substitute slaw for beans?

Miss Fine, this woman has won every single major tennis tournament in the world

Well, actually, Dad, I don't think she's won Wimbledon

You know what? I'll take her beans.

Oh, Miss Seles, I am so embarrassed.

I mean, I never expected you to be serving. Oh, 'serving'

I'll send your waiter right over.

You know, I have always wanted to learn how to play tennis

What happened?

Well, it's a very big time commitment,

and I was always very career-orientated.

What happened?

You know, Fran, if you wanted, I could teach you how to play tennis

Oh, well, thanks, B,

but I kind of have my eye on that cute blond instructor at the end of the bar

Am I not cute? Am I not blond? Shut up, Maggie

Sweetie, let's put it this way,

if things don't work out between me and gorgeous

I am all yours.

I'm all yours.

She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queen

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

in one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do? Where was she to go?

She was out on her fanny

So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's doo

She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw mor

She had style! She had flair! She was there

That's how she became the nanny!

Who would have guessed that the girl we've describe

was just exactly what the doctor prescribed

Now the father finds her beguiling

Watch out, C.C.!

And the kids are actually smiling

Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing ta

The flashy girl from Flushing

The nanny named Fran! "LA CRISIS DE LA EDAD MADURA DE MAXWELL"

Oh, dear God.

Niles, please tell me you've cut outall the reviews of my new pla

because they're so good you're having them framed

Okay.

Damn it! I was hoping this show would be my Cats

Oh, Niles, what's wrong with me? I'm... I'm bloody pitiful

With all due respect, sir,

there are so many people in this world less fortunate than you

Some are in this very room.

Oh, you mean because you're just a servant. Well..

No family, no home of your own.

Mmm-hmm.

No future.

Been doing the same thing for the last 25 years..

that you'll most likely be doing till the day you die

Right. How are you feeling now, sir?

You know... You know what's really bothering me?

Carrying around that big fat wallet giving you a hernia

What did you say? -Tea?

Maxwell, did you read Vincent Canby's review in the New York Times

Oh, it was brutal.

I just put it on the floor and let Chester give him a little rebuttal

C.C., you are amazing.

Thank you, Maxwell. But don't you want to know why

Why push?

Oh, hi. Hi, Chester.

Hi, sweetie. Hi.

Oh, gee, Chester,

if only you were Jewish with a dog house in Great Neck

C.C., we just put our heart and soul into this new play, and it bombed

Why aren't you more upset?

Because Broadway will be dead in 50 years, but I won't

Cryonic suspension.

Do you mean you're gonna have your body frozen after you die

Yep. I'm planning the ultimate revival.

Me.

Nobody wanted to see the original. Who'd want to bring it back

I wouldn't want to come back. I mean, it would be so hard to adjust

You'd feel like a freak of nature. You'd have no friends

Your last date would have been 100 years ago

You know what? Go for it.

I'm even thinking of having Chester frozen so we can come back together

Wouldn't that be nice? Oh.

Come on, you little hairball.

You know, I should freeze myself right now.

I mean, here I am, 42 years old, and what have I really achieved, hmm

Produced one mediocre play after another.

Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself.

There's a lot of people much less fortunate than you right here in this room

Look at Niles.

Hey, Dad.

So, are you off to another disastrous day of tennis with Miss Fine

Well, I can't today, but you know what? She's actually pretty good

She even taught me a few things. -Like what

How to return a serve when you don't have the receipt

Oh, Brighton, come on, let's go play tennis

Oh, sorry, Fran. I gotta read "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Friday

Oh, Brighton, I have two words for you. "Blockbuster Video.

Oh, to enhance the reading experience.

Perhaps you would like to go out and play tennis with Miss Fine, sir

Yeah.

Niles, the last thing I need right now is a round of beginner's tennis

Of course, sir, you'd completely destroy and humiliate her

making her feel like a bigger loser than you are

Get my racket.

So, Miss Fine, are you ready to play with me

You bet.

And when we're done, how about a little tennis

Little big shot. -So I won a tennis match..

I had the sun in my eyes... who cares?

It was no fair. We weren't even keeping score

I slaughtered him, six-four.

I creamed his little English tokhes.

Get out. You beat Dad at tennis?

Oh, I'll tell you, I felt so bad for the guy. It was really sad

He had this look on his face,

like when I'm eating Haagen-Dazs and my spoon hits the cardboard

Oh, this is bad.

Perhaps he'd feel better if I prepared his favorite soup

Cream of English tokhes.

Niles, have this restrung, would you? -Absolutely, sir

Is there anything else I can do for you? .

Yes, you can make me some of that soup

Oh, and you may use your own tokhes because it's soon to be canned

He's got no sense of humor. That's why his comedy's a flop

Niles, he is really going over the deep end about this

This must be some kind of underlying problem

And do you know what that is?

Daddy's inability to cope with minor setbacks ..

indicating a larger and deeper emotional problem

Well, there's no point in me saying it 'cause she already did

Well, look, obviously he needs some therapy

You know, maybe Dad should get some therapy

It really hurts me to see him in pain. Yeah

Hey, we wouldn't have to go as a family or anything

'cause, you know, I've got dates and stuff.

You people are dreaming if you think you're gonn

be able to get Dad into therapy.

Oh, I'll get him there. And do you know how

Under false pretenses by telling him Dr. Bort needs to talk to him about m

when in reality the session's for him?

Well, there's no point in me saying it 'cause she already did

You know, I always thought that I'd make a good therapist

Yes. Well, I guess you would...

Because I'm really a good listener, you know

and some people just can't get a word in edgewise

Yeah;That always seems to be...

I mean, it takes a very sensitive person to know when someone needs to talk

You know, when the doctor comes in, you could chime in once in a while

I'm terribly sorry.

Dr. Bort has been called away, but her associate can see you

Oh, but when will she be back?

I don't want some second-rate associate.

Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I'm filling in for Dr. Bort. I hope you don't mind

Oh, who cares about that loser? Was she ever on Hollywood Squares

Oh, Dr. Brothers, I have read every one of your books

"The Language of Feeling". -That's David Viscott

"The Ten Stupid Things Women Do". -Laura Schlessinger

"You're Much Taller In Person" -Dr. Ruth.

Well, enough about you. Tick-tock. Ka-ching. Ka-ching

Now, the reason why I made this appointment for Mr. Sheffield..

W-What? Wait a minute.

You mean you brought me here under false pretenses

You know, I told Gracie that was a bad idea

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I don't need any bloody therapy. -No, you don't

Are you Maxwell Sheffield, the Broadway producer

Yes, that's right.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm a very busy man, so I'll..

I just loved your new show.

I thought the reviews were completely off the mark

Well, I suppose I could stay for a little while

Wow! You are good.

For your information, I have written 10 bestsellers

Let it go, Joyce.

Now;

Why are we here?

Well, the fact is, Dr. Brothers, there's nothing wrong with me

My... My last show failed, so I've just bee