The Upshaws

I know the last few weeks have been crazy,

but this right here, this is what's important.

As long as we have each other's backs,

can't nothing touch the Upshaws.

Come on, baby. Say that again.

'Cause you know I got your back,

your top, your edges, your bottoms.

You know what I mean?

Is this where Bennie Upshaw lives?

Um, who's asking?

His daughter.

Nigga, really?

I was just about to start loving you.

All right, Bennie, your choice.

You can walk out of here on your own or rolled up in one of these cheap rugs.

Regina, tell King to heel.

I can get a new rug.

Dang! Bye, Daddy.

Oh, no. This is some bullshit.

Little girl, who is your mother?

That's your first question?

And it ain't yours?

We can't make this little girl out to be a lying ass ho. We need her momma for that.

Am I a ghetto twin too?

Hush, I'm trying to listen.

Y'all don't know when to leave a room? Get your ass upstairs.

Thanks, Maya.

We never get to see anything good.

Cops? Uh-huh. It's worth the whoopin'. Sit down, y'all.

Damn, po-po's here. We haven't even killed him yet.

Somebody snitched.

Kelvin?

I swear I just texted my mom.

I gotta go. They on to me.

There you are.

Monique?

What are you doing here? Look, right now is not a good time.

Sydney, how are you just gonna run over here?

- But, Mommy... - Mommy?

You knocked up Bernard's prom date?

You sick bastard.

This is your daughter?

Yes.

And also yours.

I have a daughter?

See, I told you! I was right.

I told you! Bennie Latrell Upshaw, you are not the father.

Yeah, I told you. I told you. I told the kids. I told you.

I definitely told you and I told you.

I've been telling you our whole relationship.

Hold on, boy, I thought you was gay?

Monique, we spent over an hour at the reunion

arguing about the Brandy and Monica battle and you couldn't tell me I had a daughter?

It's a hard transition, bro. And who picks Brandy?

How do you let her show up at my door?

Not even my door, my parents' door. And you almost got Bennie killed.

It wasn't supposed to go down like this.

After last night, I wrote in my journal about us

and her little nosy ass read it.

Must have found your name online.

She's pretty smart. Just like her daddy.

Who's he?

Oh, right...

Why didn't you tell me when it happened?

We were a thing and then we slept together and you ghosted me.

After your number became a Sherwin-Williams,

I got some paint for the baby's room and kept it moving.

You could have at least given me a choice.

Look, you didn't even know who you were.

I didn't want to put this on you.

I have so many questions. I don't even know what to ask first.

Ask her how she knows she's yours.

You gonna regret that.

- Tell me about my daughter. - We don't know that yet.

- I can't believe this shit. - You?

I'm the one who can't believe this. In fact, I won't believe it.

You did it.

Did what?

- What are we talking about? - That shitty look you gave me.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

Bernard is trying to make me a...

...grandmother.

Shit. You better make time.

I've said sorry enough to know when I'm owed one.

So you're seriously wondering why I looked at you?

- Yeah. - Yo bastard was sitting on my sofa.

Oh, watch your mouth. Okay?

That bastard is my son.

His name is Kelvin, okay?

You wanna sit here and hurt my feelings about...

Let's talk about kids. Kid for kid.

Let's talk about Maya.

- That's your kid too! - I know. I just thought about that.

So, you and your feelings...

'Cause they got hurt, but that's okay.

You know why? Because that's a scrape compared to what you've done to mine.

No, that ain't no scrape.

And you want to bring up old stuff?

Let's talk about how you failed that GMAT.

Yeah!

Oh, that's the card you gonna play? That's what you want to do now?

- Trumped you! - Oh, shit!

Yeah. It's getting old, Regina. I'm tired of it.

Ain't nothing old in here. Mm-mmm.

And especially not me.

That cannot be Bernard's kid. Mm-mmm.

'Cause I mean, look at me, huh?

I'm young as shit.

You got something you want to say, like, "I'm sorry"?

Here's what I want to say... This is all too much.

- Yeah, okay... - What I'm saying is I need a drink.

But alcohol, that ages you.

But wine has them retinols. But did they prove that?

Oh, shit, is my memory going?

When you're ready to apologize...

You know where I'll be...

Granny.

Oof!

Girl, y'all are wearing me out.

I mean, it's a real tiny house until you need to eavesdrop.

Like I'm supposed to know that that little girl ain't his.

Right? I mean, we all thought it.

I mean, his bastard is sitting on your sofa.

Thank you. That's what I said.

How this fool gonna get mad at being accused of some shit

that he's actually done, but just not this time?

Ooh.

That's your man.

So, the cane lady is my mom's older sister.

She basically raised Bernard, that's why he's her favorite.

But after all this, he probably will fall off and I could come up.

Ha! You funny.

You know I'm next in line.

The cane lady seems mean.

Trust your instincts.

Okay. So let me see if I got everything straight.

Well, your dad isn't.

That was in the journal.

Underlined.

So, old Bennie and the grumpy lady, that's your parents,

and he is your dad but you have a different mother,

but y'all the same age?

Well, when you put it like that, we sound like trash.

I'm still trying to figure out if Daddy lives with us again.

Maya.

He wasn't living here?

He's in the basement.

'Cause he stole our mom's money.

That's 'cause he gave my mom an illegal car, then she hit a white guy.

Dang, we are trash.

Thank God I did decide to go to the reunion.

I might need a kidney one day.

She's a breech baby. Those kidneys are mine.

I was talking to your mom, but, um...

We'll get to know each other very well soon.

How's that sound, Syd, my kid?

It's Sydney.

I told you she wouldn't like that.

Won't happen again.

All right, Sydney, let's go.

Oh! Y'all leaving?

Yeah. Sorry for dropping in like this.

Better nine years late than never.

Ma.

Bernard, it's been a long day for me, buddy.

I failed my test.

I almost killed your father.

I'm day drinking and it ain't even noon.

Well, okay, bye.

Come on, Sydney. We need to talk about you and my journals.

I know. Your handwriting is atrocious.

Get your narrow behind in the car!

Am I a ghetto aunty now?

Well, we definitely ghetto.

Don't lump me in with y'all. I'm a Turner.

That's that Upshaw shit.

Don't give me a second chance. I said don't give me a second chance!

I think you gotta do that one again. That's not how we do it.

Why ain't nobody working?

Oh, hey, Bennie. Just catching up on some paperwork.

- Yeah. - Stop lying, K-Ci and JoJo.

I ain't got time for this shit today.

A little girl showed up at my door looking for her daddy.

Come on, Bennie. I'm all for playing the field, man,

but your shit ain't bacon, it don't got to be in everything.

Yeah.

Well, it's Bernard's.

Gay Bernard?

Oh, that was insensitive.

Mm-mmm...

So, wait a minute.

If it's not yours, then what's the problem?

Well, Regina just assumed that the kid was mine from the jump.

Of course she did.

If you see Tina with a black eye, you know Ike did it.

Now look, this might be seven years of prison bitterness talking,

but you have done some questionable things to those closest to you.

I meant me.

Yeah, that's why I'm standing over here.

- Yeah, we cool now. - Exactly.