'Allo 'Allo!

Quick,

take this fire extinguisher,

follow the General. That way.

Where are you going?

Uh... I was just going out for a little fresh air.

That smoke was getting in my lungs.

You are here to blow this safe.

Get on with it, or you will die

at the hands of the resistance.

My lungs have cleared.

Here, give me a hand with this.

Right.

Now, there is the safe.

Get to work with this explosive, here.

Okay.

There is very little time for me to tell you

exactly what is going on.

Suffice it to say that we going to blow up this safe

so that we can photograph the plans

for the German invasion of England,

which are hidden inside it.

- Detonator. - There.

My wife, Edith, has caused a diversion

by dropping a smoke bomb from the roof down the chimney.

Naturally she dropped it down the wrong chimney.

Let us just hope

that it keeps General Von Klinkerhoffen

busy for long enough for us to make the explosion

and get out of here.

- Fuse. - Right.

There's the fire. Extinguish it!

In your efforts to prevent the General

from making amorous advances, you have gone too far.

I am not responsible for that.

Do you think I would start a fire

and ruin my own music?

Depress the plinger and direct the nizzle

at the muddle of the fear.

Get out of my way,

I can spray this only once.

This is definitely the work of the resistance.

Anyone looking suspicious will be shot,

especially gypsies.

You're right. We will scarper.

Helga, create a diversion.

Oh, the smoke, the smoke!

I am overcome.

I will hold you, never fear.

Gruber,

where are those gypsies?

I did not see.

I have been busy watering the fire.

Find them and arrest them.

Matches.

How long will it take?

Not long.

We will hide outside the door.

Somebody's coming.

They will see the safe.

Quick, the wardrobe.

The wardrobe? Yes.

Not inside it, you stupid old fool!

Guard, find those gypsies.

Quick, hide in one of the rooms.

- Quick, under the bed. - Under the bed.

Lock the door.

There is no key.

Someone is coming.

Shall we hide under the bed?

No, that is the first place they will look.

Hide in the wardrobe.

We must get out of these gypsy clothes

as quickly as possible.

They are out of their clothes.

Down this chimney,

I heard the voice of Herr Flick.

Down this one,

I can hear Crabtree and the General.

I think the operation

is not going according to plan.

Does it ever?

It is best that we scarper.

Not that way. Follow me...

there's a ladder.

There is, at the foot of this ladder,

a fire engine.

We will commandeer it.

Quick, the safe.

Now, you remove the plans.

I will prepare the camera.

- There are no plans. - What?

Only these two old paintings.

What?

"The Fallen Madonna with the big boobies" by Van Clomp!

This is "the cracked vase with the big daisies" by Van Gogh.

Well, these must be two more forgeries.

But what are they doing in a safe

in the bedroom of Lieutenant Gruber?

Yeah, and if they are forgeries,

why keep them in the safe?

Gruber, where did that explosion come from?

I think it came from my bedroom, Herr General.

Quick, the bed!

Oh, dear.

Somebody has tampered with the safe.

General?

I'm afraid our paintings have gone.

I trust they were forgeries.

No, they were the originals,

which I retained for you,

because you said that if I did not do so,

you would send me to the Russian front.

Are you absolutely certain the originals were in this safe?

Positive, General.

All the others are forgeries.

The Colonel thinks he has the Van Gogh,

but that too is a forgery.

This is very serious, especially for you, Gruber.

You could find yourself in Vladivostok by next week.

This must be the work of the resistance.

Put a cordon round the area,

erect road blocks,

arrest anyone who is not in uniform.

The fire is out. We have done our duty as fireman.

We will now climb down the lidder and goo.

Where is the fire engine?

Somebiddy has droven it awoo.

It must be the gypsies.

Guards!

Arrest all gypsies driving fire engines.

We will have to wick home.

You are right, Gruber,

the resistance must be behind this.

Come to my office.

We will instruct our patrols to arrest anyone

not wearing a German uniform.

Those paintings must be recovered.

Rene, I have an idea.

If we give them back the paintings,

they will let us go.

Yes, in coffins.

If they capture us dressed like this,

goodness knows what they will do to us.

Here, get that fireman stuff off, quick.

Put this on. Now.

Have you seen Rene?

He has not come back here.

I fear he is still trapped in the chateau.

I will go at once to the chateau.

I will knife the guards. I will shoot the General.

I will blow up the chateau and rescue him.

With you here,

we do not need anyone else in the war.

Someone is coming.

Oh, it is probably him.

It is Michelle,

with that British idiot, Crabtree.

We have just had a very narrow squawk.

The plan has gone wrong. My husband has not returned.

That is because some idiot

put the smoke bomb down the wrong chimney.

Which one of you was responsible?

I cannot say, but it was not me.

It is I who am to blame.

I am the one who screwed it up.

If only I could be with you, Rene,

now, in your hour of peril.

Let us all say a little prayer for him.

Good luck, Rene.

We are nearly there.

Two German guards.

Oh, heck.

Behave like a German officer.

How can I?

I have no trousers on.

Bend your knees.

Your coat will cover your boots.

- Heil Hitler - Heil Hitler.

More Germans outside the cafe.

Quick, into the back of this lorrie.

- Hee-aw. - Ack!

Here, get up here.

Oh, good evening.

You are probably wondering why we are dressed

as German officers.

All German officers dress this way.

You can drop the French accent.

It does not fool us for one moment.

Put up your hands.

No, look, y... you...

you have got the wrong idea.

We are French.

Just go into the little cafe in there and ask.

Cafe Rene?!

We are the communist resistance.

We would not set foot in the cafe

of that collaborator dog,

who entertains the Germans every night.

One day we will kill him,

and hang his body from a lamppost.