Rick and Morty

I -- I can't hold them off, Rick!

Th-There's too many!

Richard!

Your fortress is a salty waste of coral and clam.

Relinquish it at once!

Aah!

Submit, you continental cunt.

Aah! Got a better idea.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Aah!

Aah!

Happy? Of course I'm happy.

You're acting like you won,

but this is exactly what I wanted!

I am Mr. Nimbus!

Ugh, whatever. Come on, Morty.

Man, that was intense.

Yeah ni ce work, buddy.

Sorry I had to blow up your bunker.

Not so fast, Sanchez.

It is I, Cookie Magneto.

What the fuck?

I'm -- I'm not engaging this guy.

That's hardly up to you, Rick.

I'm sorry, do you control things that people agree are cookies?

Yes. Okay, but cookies aren't a substance.

They're more of a name we -- we give to --

To the things I control.

Do you control cookie ingredients?

Because, y'know, t-that sounds dangerous.

Y'know, everything has sugar in it.

Fight me and find --

Aah!

Jesus, Rick! I'm sorry, Morty.

I know you're gonna say it's punching down,

but I can't fight another one of these '90s-style

goofball super villains.

I'm not the fucking Tick.

I'm -- I'm exhausted. Okay, but i-if you really

have a lot of these guys gunning for you,

maybe you should look into what you're doing to --

Oh, don't start that crap, Morty.

I don't do anything for these dipshits to seek me out.

I am Mr. Calypso!

Face me, you ugly, drunk, ugly piece of shit.

Okay, I might look into it.

Why don't you have a seat? 'Cause this isn't a therapy session.

I-I'm just asking you what people in your racket

say about handling this particular situation.

First, we'd want you to define the situation.

I'm a walking target for a never-ending sea of angry nerds

that think getting in a fight with me is some kind of...

I don't know, platform?

I mean, look at this guy.

He shows up and calls me an "ugly drunk."

Because of course that's the angle of attack

that's gonna undo me, right?

You don't shoot Batman in his fucking Batman logo.

And you think locking this man in a chamber

and milking him of cosmic fluid will somehow resolve this?

I think it's the best I can do to profit from a situation

and maybe set an example.

But you've set this example many times

and it's not changing your situation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and now you're gonna tell me to ignore them.

But guess what? They want that too.

And why would they want to be ignored?

You really believe if I let a guy like this

do whatever he wants, he gets bored and vanishes?

Rick, would you be interested in proving me wrong?

Yes! Then show me data.

Ignore them for a week and see what happens.

You're on, bitch.

Is that man dead?

Is everything in here confidential?

Everything but murder.

Then he's fine.

I mean, I-I think it's pretty big, you know?

Big step for the big cheese.

Yeah, Dad, I'm impressed.

Can we not make it a big deal?

It's worth celebrating, Rick.

You accepted the concept of therapy

without turning yourself into a pickle or a housefly.

Jerry, for fuck's sake, that was a regular fly

in her office that day.

What the hell? Riiick!

How 'bout a little piss?

Rick, why is there a man shooting piss on our front lawn?

I'm sure he'll tell you.

I am Pissmaster!

Here to flush the toilet that is Rick Sanchez.

He's spraying my lavender bush.

My bees need that lavender!

Remember five seconds ago

when you guys were stoked about me changing

because it made you feel superior?

Ooh, whole family's here.

Who's that redhead?

Wouldn't mind spraying her with a golden shower.

-Oh, my God, what? -Hey!

Okay, that's it!

Jerry, please think about this.

If you fight this guy, I'm either an asshole

for not helping or an asshole for helping.

My daughter just got spoken of in porno terms,

and I'll respond how I choose!

-Wait, Dad, don't! -Honey!

Hey.

You want a piece of piss?

If that's your stupid rude way of saying

I have to fight you, I will.

Take your shot, pussy.

Don't talk to me that way. Go away!

Make me. Go away!

Ow!

Careful, honey!

Just stay down.

I -- I don't even know you.

Yeah, you don't know me.

But I'm gonna know your whole ass, you son of a gun.

Hey, none of that! Break it up, guys!

Hey! Come on!

Come on, you dirty motherfucker.

No! No, no, no, no no!

Stop! Aah!

Uncle! Mercy! Mercy!

Stop! I give up!

Apologize to my daughter.

For what?

You know for what!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry I sexualized you!

It came out wrong!

That's my dad. That's my fucking dad!

Honey, I'm so proud of you.

Ow!

Oh, sorry.

Thank you, Rick.

Damn, hashtag #FlamingoDad is everywhere!

Buzzfeed made an odd numbered list

of other people's observations about you,

and you're getting a lot of hand clap emojis

on White Twitter's impression of Black Twitter.

Jezebel's offering a cash reward for evidence

that you're a bad person.

That is their highest honor!

So this is what it's like to trend.

Feels good. Feels right.

Just keep in mind, now a bunch more assholes

are gonna know they can get a rise out of you.

Both: Boooo! Rick, let a dog have one day.

I'm letting! I'm letting!

Whoa. Are those orbs?

This is what I'm talking about.

Some asshole saw that fight and, believe it not,

they were jealous of Pissmaster.

I am Blagnar the Eternal.

We seek the earthling who beat up Pissmaster.

That's my dad, Jerry Smith!

Jerry Smith.

Our Galactic Orbship thirsts for justice

and those who deliver it. Wait, what?

Our great council would like to offer you this silver orb

and with it a place amongst us.

Whoa. It -- It -- It's sticky.

Yeah, that means it's found a pure heart

it wants to bond with.

Y-You guys saw my son-in-law on the news,

now he gets a sticky orb.

What's the catch? We're not rubes.

Yeah, your power is well known in our jurisdiction,

Rick Sanchez, and it should come as no surprise

that our orbs are unsticky for you.

Oh, no, first I get banned from the Nextdoor app,

now this.

I'd be honored to join your organization.

S-So what do I do? Rub the orb when I see crime?

Or -- Or eat the orb like spinach?

The orb is raw power.

Trust your heart, Jerry.

It will know what to do.

Did you turn on the microwave?

No? Maybe?

I -- I was trying to fly. I --

What? I mean, come on, Rick.

Orbs and goblets, this is your thing.

Orbs and goblets.

I'm just saying, you're the orb guy in the family.

Can you please help me?

Jerry, I give you raw power, you'll end up miserable like me.

Trust me, I'm helping by not helping.

-Wow. -Seriously, Rick?

What the eff, Grandpa?

Some creep tried to pee on my tits and you did nothing.

Now you're gonna sit there and hold our dad back

from being a hero?

Are you seriously that petty?

Okay, you know what? Fine!

Here. Here's your goddamn suit.