Archer

‐ How much longer is this gonna take?

‐ I don't know, how long does it take a man

to become a God, Lana?

‐ I don't know, ten minutes?

‐ I still don't understand

why I have to be this naked in front of Mother.

‐ I don't think you all appreciate what I've done here.

Billions of wires, carrying trillions of data packets,

perfectly and delicately calibrated

to dive into the wet, gross mind of a man!

‐ It all looks pretty mad scientist‐y.

Oh, you've even got one of those big power switches.

‐ That is a precision device!

That I've been saving for something weird.

‐ So, Krieger, how does this work?

You gonna transfer his memory banks

into my neuro‐brain stuff or whatever?

‐ I call it the reverse Frankenstein.

‐ Okay, definitely mad scientist‐y.

‐ And you're certain this will give us the information we need

to rebuild the device IIA stole?

‐ I'm certain it might if his brain doesn't explode.

‐ Wait, which "his?" Am I the "his?"

‐ More importantly, are we in the splash zone?

‐ Shh. Quiet!

I need total silence to initiate the sequence.

‐ Sorry I'm late.

I was volunteering at what I thought was a soup kitchen‐‐

all: Shh! ‐ God dammit!

‐ Ooh, right, sorry.

Wait, what are we doing?

‐ This guy has some science thingy in his head

that we need for money,

but he's in a coma and we're almost out of money,

so Archer's gonna go into his brain.

‐ We're broke?

Is that why the vending machine costs money now?

‐ No, they just finally fixed it.

‐ We're technically not broke.

Just operating on a leaner budget

now that Robert is tightening the spigots.

‐ Well, money doesn't come from spigots.

So that might be part of the problem right there.

That, and how much did you spend on this thingamabob?

‐ Well, you gotta spend money diving into brains

to make money diving into brains.

Speaking of thingamabob,

do I need to be hooked up down there?

‐ Great question. Ka‐thunk.

It's working. It's working!

‐ Here we go, buddy. See you on your insides.

‐ No, no, no, no, no!

‐ Whoa.

‐ Wait, what happened? Where did he go?

‐ If by he, you mean me,

well then, ta‐da!

Where am I? I'm getting a sex dungeon vibe.

‐ You're not far off.

‐ Metaphorically or geographically.

‐ Did it work? Am I in? ‐ Nope.

But, side note, I know how to cure comas now.

‐ Would have been useful a couple of years ago.

‐ The soup kitchen was a sex club.

‐

‐ Can you remember anything about who you are?

Where you come from? ‐ Uh...

I think maybe, your mom's butt?

‐ Ooh, a funny scientist.

‐ Aw, come on. I have my moments.

‐ I'm a scientist? Nice.

‐ It's possible the massive electric shock

may have fried a few of his circuits.

Look, science isn't an exact science.

‐ Okay, then let's start simple.

Do you remember your name?

‐ Uh, no.

Bet my name's something cool though, like, Colt.

Yeah. Let's go with Colt.

‐ Damn. That is cool.

‐ And you're sure you don't want us

to call you Dr. Something or other?

‐ Ugh, lame. Trust me, Colt is fine.

Wait! I'm getting something.

A small blue house,

two children, and a wife‐‐

‐ Ugh, enough.

Colt, you're a very important scientist

on a very important mission, okay?

To redesign the device you were transporting in Moldova.

‐ Can do, I'll just grab

this pen and paper, and voila.

Pam: Not bad.

Cheryl: But terrible riding form.

‐ Oh, I guess I can't do.

‐ But you know the device we're talking about?

What does it do? ‐ Well, if memory serves...

‐ And it mostly doesn't. ‐ It's an energy source.

Properly used, it could eliminate our dependence

on fossil fuels altogether.

‐ What about improperly used?

‐ It could wipe out all life on the planet.

Science, you crazy bitch.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Oh, God, that must be why IIA wants it.

‐ It's a classic "evil villain destroys the world

with some sort of weird doomsday device" plot.

Obviously. ‐ Oh, hey, wait.

I'm remembering some other stuff.

One, metal rules. ‐ Preach, brother!

‐ And two, I left my notes on a memory stick

hidden in the device, along with a homing beacon.

Did I have a talky‐talk on me when you picked me up?

Okay, I might be able to track it.

Whoa, who is this hot piece of ass?

‐ That would be you.

‐ Ah, here we go. The device is in Singapore.

‐ IIA's headquarters are in Singapore.

‐ I'll get my checkbook.

‐ That's my room service!

‐ We just got here.

‐ I preordered it from the plane phone.

‐ Damn.

How do you say "Bitchin'" in Singaporean?

‐ Actually, the primary language here is Mandarin.

‐ Did that feel good? Making me feel small?

‐ Yes, it did.

‐ This place is incredible.

‐ This was almost our honeymoon.

Maybe an anniversary?

‐ Oh, sure, yeah, maybe. Hey, where's Ray?

‐ Who knows? He's been asking for a lot of time off lately.

For some family emergency or something.

As if four cats are family.

‐ I'm all for a successful mission,

but first class tickets,

and a penthouse with room service?

We need to talk about how much all this is costing.

‐ Later. Everyone, listen up.

Lana, Cyril, and I will survey IIA

and develop an entrance strategy.

‐ Okay, this will ping the homing beacon, I think.

Still a bit fuzzy on the science.

‐ That's great.

Krieger, you stay here with Colt,

and try to jog his memory for more information.

‐ Hey, I'll race you to remember.

Hey, I am a funny scientist. ‐ Eh.

‐ And, Mother‐‐

‐ There has to be a bar around here.

‐ Uh, keep doing what you're doing.

And, Robert, you're on point here at HQ.

‐ So what are they doing here?

‐ Um, comic relief.

‐ Thank you so much.

‐ Ah! Are you tipping him $500?

‐ Relax. It's my money.

And sometimes I like to give service people a thrill.

‐ I'm sorry, Miss, was my service unsatisfactory?

Perhaps this is generous in your country,

but in Singapore, it's‐‐ how would you Americans say it?

Jack shit. ‐ What?

‐ Singapore is an extremely wealthy country.

‐ And there he goes again.

‐ Ha! Your money means less.

‐ Wait, am I poor here?

‐ Do you really have to bring that up right now?

‐ What? All I said was,

"Trouble in hell,"

as a play on "trouble in paradise,"

because your husband sucks,

and it seems like you're avoiding him,

which, now that I think about it,

I should've said, "success in hell?"

‐ I don't want to talk about it.

‐ What happened? Did you tell him about

tongue‐wrestling that dude in Japan?

‐ Jesus, Archer! ‐ You cheated on Robert?

‐ No!

Well, I almost, sort of, kissed someone else.

‐ Oh, my God. ‐ But that's all that happened!

‐ Besides the cuddling. ‐ Not helpful.

‐ ‐ Okay, how about now?

‐ No, I don't think the jogging's working.

Hey, what if you put me back in the coma and woke me up again?

A hard reset.

‐ That's just crazy enough to work.

Or not work. Pretty 50/50.

‐ I think I remember liking those odds.

‐ God, I love science! ‐ Well, I don't.

Cyril: Dammit, Lana, if you're making a cuckold of Robert,

he deserves to know!

‐ That is not what's happening! And who are you to judge?

You and I both cheated on each other!

‐ And it broke me!

‐ Not a real high bar. ‐

Cyril, I'm sorry for the past, okay?

But this is different.

I am not the same person I was back then.

‐ Also, I never told you about any of the times

I cheated on you when we were together,