Me, Myself & Irene

I got a star on my car and one on my chest

A gun on my hip and the right to arrest

I'm a guy who's the boss on this highway

So watch out what you're doin' when you're drivin' my way

If you break the law, you'll hear from me, I know

I'm workin' for the state, I'm the highway patrol

Well, you'll know me when you see me cos my door's painted white

My siren a-screamin' and my flashin' red light

I work all day and I work all night

Just to keep the law and order, tryin' to do what's right

If I write you out a ticket, then you'd better drive slow

I'm just a-doin' my job, I'm the highway patrol

I'm the highway patrol, the highway patrol

My hours are long and my pay is low

But I'll do my best to keep you drivin' slow

I'm just a-doin' my job, I'm the highway patrol

Meet Charlie. Helpful dad, upstanding citizen,

and an 18-year veteran of the greatest law enforcement agency in the land:

the Rhode Island State Police.

That's Charlie's home. Modest, like the man.

Even though he lived on the water, Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer,

which will come into play a little later in our story.

But I'm getting way ahead of myself.

You know, maybe it's best if we just go back and begin at the beginning.

As a young man, Charlie had the world by its bootstraps.

He was the best young trooper on the force,

and was dating the prettiest and smartest gal in town.

Her name was Layla... just like the melody.

Charlie,

you've no idea how much I love you.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Well, will you stay with me no matter what?

Of course, Charlie.

What if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home

and had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life? Would you still stay with me?

Yeah, I'd stay.

But I hope that never happens.

Yeah, me too.

Well, by springtime they had made it official.

Boy, let me tell you, that was some wedding.

It was presided over by Father Ken Gumbert,

and half of the Rhode Island State Police Force was in attendance.

- Congratulations, Charlie. - Thank you, captain.

All right!

Look what I got!

Here you go.

Excuse me, do you people take checks?

Say that again. Do "we people" take checks? You mean a black man?

No, no, no, no! God, no. Your company.

Don't give me that bullshit! That was a racist slur.

- No, it wasn't. I would never... - Tell you what, I'll make it easy for you.

Why don't you just pay me in cotton or a cartload of watermelons?

Or how's about some fried chicken cos you know how black people love fried chicken!

- Hey, no, come on now. - What's going on?

This cat don't believe a nigger knows how to cash a check! Ain't that 'bout a bitch?

Charlie, I don't wanna ever hear you use the n-word in this house.

What! I never said anything remotely racist!

- Oh, so it's a "little people" thing, then. - No!

You think just cos I'm small you can push me around? Well, come on, let's boogie.

I'm gonna give you a little lesson in low centre of gravity.

Stop it! Cut it... Stop it now. Sir!

Don't patronise me with that "Sir" crap!

Hey, those are illegal. Stop.

Oh, it's on now. It's on!

- Charlie, don't hit him! - Me?

Charlie! Stop it! Charlie, stop it!

Let me handle this. Stop it!

Excuse me, Mr Jackson...

Stop it! Wait. What is your first name?

It's Shonté.

Shonté, I am so, so sorry. I apologise.

Come on here. Let me walk you to your car.

I have no patience for people who judge books by their cover.

And you shouldn't have to!

Treating me like a dumbshit! I mean, who does he think he's talking to?

I'm a professor of molecular genetics at Brown.

And I'm head of the Boston chapter of Mensa.

- You're kidding? - No.

I'm just driving this limo as a sociological experiment. That's it.

But Mensa? I'm president of the Providence chapter.

No kidding.

Just when Charlie thought life couldn't get any sweeter,

old Mr Stork dropped in to pay him and Layla a visit.

It's a boy!

Oh boy, oy, oy.

Wow!

He's so...

Wow!

Whoa, you're in luck!

He's got company!

Push! Push!

Charlie loved those boys so much, he just couldn't face the truth.

And so he went on with his life as if everything was normal.

Hey, Finneran.

Hey, buddy.

- Hope you brought your appetite with you. - Oh, I did.

- Charlie, your kids look great. - Yeah, don't they? Thanks.

Charlie,

just between you and me, d'you ever notice that your kids have a year-round tan?

Yeah, well...

- My great-grandmother's half-Italian. - Half-ltalian?

Well, that's probably why the water beads off the hair, huh?

Yeah, so? I mean, a lot of people have different kind of hair.

What are you getting at?

Well, no, I'm just saying it's...

come on, goddamn it! Those kids' dicks are bigger than them sausages!

Knock it off! You're talking about my children.

- Since you brought it up, I wanna ask... - Finneran!

Get over here. It's your turn.

Charlie...

Don't mind me. It's just the beer talking, you know?

Sure.

There's something powerful bubbling up inside me, Father.

And I'm afraid that some day,

if I don't do something, I'm gonna explode.

Where does this rage come from, my son?

I don't know. It's a lot of things, really.

Take my wife, for example.

I love her like no other, but...

part of me suspects that she may be having an affair.

And I'm probably just being paranoid here, but...

I get the feeling that the entire town is laughing at me behind my back.

Charlie, that you?

Eventually, Charlie's worst fears were realised.

I'm so sorry, Charlie.

Really, I am.

But I have to do this.

I found my soul mate.

But...

I thought I was your soul mate.

Come on, legs! Let's roll, baby.

I don't know what to say.

I guess the heart just wants what the heart wants.

Bye, Charlie.

But you said you'd eat whale blubber.

She'll be eating blubber all right, just as soon as I free Willy.

It's funny how a man reacts when his heart gets broken.

Some break down and cry like a baby.

Others, they take out an Uzi and climb a clock tower.

But Charlie Baileygates didn't seem to react at all.

He just swallowed hard, felt that slab of heartache slide over the lump in his throat

and he locked it all away.

As you can imagine, it wasn't easy for little Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonté Junior

growing up without a mom.

But Charlie made that little house into a big old home,

and the boys flourished.

Let me tell you, they were smart ones.

- What are you building, fellas? - An airplane, Daddy.

Bye-bye!

Bye, Daddy! Have a good time at work.

Love you, Daddy!

No! Hey, stop it!

Get... Jamaal, you're in a lot of trouble!

Get off that! Don't you take off in that!

How many seas must a white...

Shonté Junior, how can you keep eating that crap and never gain weight?

I don't know. Just lucky, I guess.

- How many times must the cannonball fly - Do you believe his voice?

- That's Gomer Pyle! - Before they're forever banned?

Daddy, can we watch Richard Pryor on HBO?

Richard Pryor?

Please.

Okay.

In Africa, though, I go out in the country.

You see some lions and shit. I'm talkin' about real lions.

Not them kind you be fuckin' with in the zoo.

You know how you go fuck with a lion? "Hey, lion! Motherfucker!"

Be throwin' shit at it. Lion'd be "Oh, ooh".

As they have a way of doing, the years passed somewhat regularly.

And the boys, well, they came into their own.

...is make her toss my salad!

The guy's like "Toss my salad? What's that? "

Having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup.

I prefer syrup.

He's a funny motherfucker!

Although Charlie's police work had started to suffer, the kids were doing great.

Damn! I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deuteron.

Shit. Man, that shit's simple. Lookit.

- Tell me this, tell me this. - What?

What's a deuteron made up of?

Duh! A proton and a neutron.

Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doin' right there?

- Shit, I don't know. - Well, get it out of there then!

OK, so you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right?

I sees that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I put it here?

Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his motherfuckin' grave if he heard that.

He'd just turn over ass up in yo' face.

- Man, Jamaal. Just cut my man some slack. - I'm just trying to help him save face.

He keep askin' questions, they'll think he's stupid.

- I ain't stupid. - Mornin', fellas.

Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?

- What's all the commotion? - Oh, just school shit and shit.

- How's my little guy doing? - Struggling.

Quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'll get myself another B+.

Oh, that'd be whack.

He's so fucking dumb, he thinks calculus is a goddamn emperor.

Give it up, dawg.

Well, you think polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste.

Oh, I gotta get out of here. I don't wanna have to bust a cap.

Kisses.