Monty Python's Life of Brian (Life of Brian) (Life of Brian)

Who are you? We are three wise men.

What? We are three wise men.

What are you doing creeping around a cowshed at 2:00 in the morning?

That doesn't sound very wise to me.

We are astrologers. We have come from the East.

Is this some kind of joke?

We wish to praise the infant.

We must pay homage to him.

Homage? You're all drunk! It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out!

Bursting in here with tales about Oriental fortune-tellers. Out!

No, no, we must see him. Go and praise someone else's brat!

We were led by a star! Led by a bottle, more like! Go on, out!

We must see him. We have presents! Out!

Gold, frankincense, myrrh!

Well, why didn't you say? He's over there.

Sorry the place is a bit of a mess.

Well, what is myrrh anyway?

It is a valuable balm. A balm?!

What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him!

What? That's a dangerous animal!

Throw it in the trough! No, it isn't!

Yes, it is. It's a great big... No, no, no, it is an ointment.

Well, there is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it?

So you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?

What star-sign is he?

Capricorn. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

He's the Son of God. Our Messiah. King of the Jews!

And that's Capricorn, is it? No, no, no, that's just him!

Oh. I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.

By what name are you calling him? Uh, Brian.

We worship you, O Brian, who are lord over us all.

Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

Do you do a lot of this, then? What?

This praising. No, no. No, no.

Well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in.

And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense,

but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right?

Thank you. Goodbye.

Well, weren't they nice?

Out of their bloody minds, but still, look at that!

Here. Here, that's mine! Hey! Hey, you gave me that!

Shut up!

Aah!

How blessed are those who know their need of God.

How blessed are the sorrowful.

They shall find consolation.

How blessed are those of gentle spirit.

They shall have the Earth for their possession.

How blessed are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail.

They shall be satisfied.

How blessed are those whose hearts are pure.

They shall see God.

Speak up!

Shh. Quiet, Mum! Well, I can't hear a thing.

Let's go to a stoning.

You can go to a stoning any-time. Oh, come on, Brian.

Will you be quiet?!

Don't pick your nose!

I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching.

You was picking it while you was talking to that lady.

I wasn't! Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

Do you mind? I can't hear a word. Don't you "do you mind" me.

I was talking to my husband. Go and talk to him somewhere else.

I can't hear a bloody thing. Don't you swear at my wife.

I was only asking her to shut up so we can hear, big nose.

Don't you call my husband "big nose."

Well, he has got a big nose. Could you be quiet, please?

What was that?

Don't know. I was busy talking to big nose.

I think it was, "Blessed are the cheese makers."

What's so special about the cheese makers?

Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally.

It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

See, if you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, big nose.

Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in!

Better keep listening. Might be a bit about "blessed are the big noses."

Oh, lay off him.

You're not so bad yourself, oonk-faoe. Where are you two from'? Nose City?

One more time, mate, I'll take you to the fucking cleaners!

Language!

And don't pick your nose!

I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was gonna thump him!

Hear that? "Blessed are the Greek."

The Greek? Apparently, he'll inherit the Earth.

Did anyone catch his name? You're not gonna thump anybody.

I'll thump him if he calls me "big nose" again!

Oh, shut up, big nose!

Right. I warned you.

I really will slug you so hard...!

Oh, it's the meek. "Blessed are the meek."

Oh, that's nice. I'm glad they're getting something. They have a hell of a time.

Listen, I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.

Your nose is gonna be three foot wide across your face by the time I'm finished!

Shh! Who hit yours? Goliath's big brother?

Right, that's your last warning. Oh, do pipe down.

Silly bitch, getting in the way.

Break it up!

Come on, let's go to the stoning. All right.

Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.

What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is

it's the meek who are the problem.

Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.

Come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.

All right.

Hey, get off her. That's disgusting. Officer, intervene here.

Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all.

I hate wearing these beards.

Why aren't women allowed at stonings?

It's written, that's why.

Beard, madam? Oh, I haven't got time for no stonings.

He's not well again.

Stone, sir? They've got them lying on the ground.

Not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship.

All right. We'll have two with points and a big flat one.

Could I have a flat one, Mum? Shh!

Sorry. "Dad."

All right. Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel.

Packet of gravel.

Should be a good one this afternoon. Yeah?

Local boy - Oh, good-

Enjoy yourselves.

Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath...

Yes! Do I say yes? Yes.

You have been found guilty by the elders of the town

of uttering the name of our Lord.

And so as a blasphemer...

You are to be stoned to death!

Look, I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was:

"That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."

Blasphemy! He said it again!

Did you hear him? Yeah! Yes, we did!

Really.

Are there any women here today?

Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...

Ow, lay off! We haven't started yet.

Come on! Who threw that?

Who threw that stone? Come on!

She did! She did!

He did! He did! He did!

Sorry, I thought we'd started.

Go to the back. Oh, dear.

Always one, isn't there?

Now, where were we?

I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah."

You're only making it worse for yourself!

Making it worse?! How could it be worse?

Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" once more...

Right! Who threw that?

Come on! Who threw that?

Him! Him! Him!

Was it you? Yes.

Right... Well, you did say "Jehovah."

Stop. Stop. Will you stop that?

Stop it!

Now, look. No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle.

Do you understand?

Even... And I want to make this absolutely clear.

Even if they do say Jehovah.

Good shot!

Have I got a big nose, Mum? Oh, stop thinking about sex.

I wasn't. You're always on about it.

Morning, noon and night.

"Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that?

Is it too big? Ls it too small?"

Alms for a leper. Alms for a leper.

Alms for an ex-leper.

Bloody donkey owners, all the same, ain't they? Never have any change.

Here's a touch.

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper? Buzz off.

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?