Count Arthur Strong

I´m ba-a-ck!

I´m telling you I don´t have £4.

I had it earlier, but I forgot I´m wearing my suit

with not quite enough money in the pockets.

That is none of my business.

Stand me the pound

until I´m wearing the correct clothes, Bulent.

-No. -Oh!

-Tell him, would you? -What?

Tell him he´s being unreasonable.

Um, I don´t...

No, I know -- Give him a pound.

There! There´s your precious money.

My precious money.

I run a café. This is a café!

Give me another pound.

And this is the tip that you are now not about to get.

What?

I´m ba-a-ck.

Ah! I don´t care.

Are you going to order something?

Haven´t got any money now.

Hi!

I am back!

So you keep saying. Did you get that paint?

What paint?

Was it not you I asked to get the paint?

I´ve been gone for six months, Arthur.

Where have you been?

Home. York.

Did they not have it locally?

Sinem.

Oh, y-- ohhhhhh...

Ohh, hello!

Hi.

Sorry. Simon, this is Michael.

Simon?

Oh, and you´re...

Yeah. It´s like a tongue twister.

Simon and Sinem. Ha ha.

Simon and Sinem. Sim--

It´s almost impossible to say.

Simon and Sinem.

I don´t know. I can say it.

Yes, you can.

It´s like an incredibly straightforward tongue twister.

Well, bye.

Goodbye. Love you.

I´m sorry?

What?

-What did you say? -When?

-Just there. -Don´t think I said anything.

He said he loves you.

For some reason.

Well, I like you too, Michael.

Oh, I guess it´s nice you two get on.

Hasn´t anybody noticed that I´ve not been here?

Come to mention it,

it has been a bit quiet on your side of the table.

Where´ve you been?

York. I told you. I´ve been writing.

Well, trying to.

To be honest, it´s not going great.

Thought I´d come back here and see if anyone had missed me.

Michael. You´re back.

Thank you, Eggy.

Did you get that paint?

What have you got?

Sandpaper, sandwiches.

Flask.

Flask. Well, you´ll bring that.

I´ll bring the flask.

Screwdriver to get the lid off.

-Well, you´ll bring that. -I´ll bring that.

What are you doing with the paint?

We´ve got ourselves a little job on.

Oh, really? You´ve gone into decorating?

We have recently won the contract

to paint a garage door yellow.

-That´s black. -Is it?

Oh, black then. It doesn´t matter.

A very dear friend of mine passed away.

He left me some overalls and a step ladder.

You must have been very close.

Here, I´ll tell you something, Eggy --

You do a good job on this garage door,

and the money will be rolling in.

What do you mean, if I do a good job?

Well, my strength lies

more on the administrative side of things.

Wining and dining clients, et cetera.

That´s what I bring to the table.

Oh, okay.

Anyway, come on. Let´s go.

This door won´t paint itself, will it?

Hey, I was meaning to tell you.

Remember what you were saying

about you´re not able to write anymore?

Oh, no, I wouldn´t go that far. It´s just a little block.

It´s actually very common.

You see, writers need certain things in order to create.

Solitude. A sense of calm.

One can´t simply --

I´ve written a book.

-What? -Yeah.

-You´ve written a book? -Yeah.

When? How?

Don´t know. Just did.

Right, well, uh...

Actually, well done, Arthur.

It´s not easy to write a book, so...

Kudos.

Thank you.

In fact, if you´d like me to have a look at it,

I´d be more than happy to.

Really?

Might as well make myself useful.

What kind of book is it?

A racist one.

-What? -Oh, yes.

A racist one?

It´ll ruffle a few feathers, believe you me.

You´ve written a racist book?

It´s very racist.

I can´t wait for you to read it.

In what way is it racist?

You know.

Hell-o-o!

Ooh-hoo-ooh!

Ooh, madame!

Not -- Not racist. Racy.

-A racy book. -Oh.

You´ve written a racy -- You´ve written a racy book?!

You know, like that, um, "Fifty Crates of Plates."

Ohh.

Now I want it to be racist.

But there´s a twist.

Oh, God, is there?

It´s for the over-70s.

There´s nothing for them on the racy-book front.

When can you read it?

Do you know, I don´t think I´m gonna have time to read it.

Well, you just said you would.

I´ve just remembered my agent insists

on reading everything I´m sent.

For legal reasons.

Even better. She can read it.

Um...

Oh, it´s gonna be a big one.

I´ll corner the over-70s racy-book market with this.

Is there a market there? Racy isn´t...

I think at that age most people would be happy with a hug.

This calls for a celebration.

Two teas please, Bulent. We´re celebrating.

I´ve written a racist book.

"Beneath the Paisley Patterned Eiderdown"?

Oh.

Please, Sheila, just read enough to get a sense of it,

and then write a polite note.

That´s all he´s hoping for.

The things I do for my clients.

Thank you.

Well, at least you´re delivering a book.

- -It´s not funny, Michael.

They´ll want that advance back.

Can you get me a new deadline? Please, Sheila.

I-I´ll make this one. I promise.

Well...

Oh, I can get you another six weeks.

Oh, thank you.

But don´t embarrass me again, Michael.

I´m warning you.

She was warning me, Arthur.

I don´t like being warned.

That´ll be the drink talking.

It´s always the drink talking with Sheila.

Doesn´t make her any less scary.

Yes, but she´s got the book?

Uh, yes, she took it home with her.

She´s away for the weekend,

but she´ll read it first thing Monday.

Now, please, Arthur,

I have got six weeks to write something

or Sheila is gonna take a contract out on me.

There you go, Arthur.

What´s this? "Carry On Cruising"?

Yeah. That was the one you wanted, wasn´t it?

Leslie Phillips on the cruise ship.

I wanted "Captain Phillips."

You know, the one where Forrest Gump´s a pirate.

Oh, Eggy, I was looking forward to that, I was.

Why don´t you just buy it if you want it so much?

I don´t buy films until they come down to £1.99.

It´s taking ages for this one.

I´ll have it, Eggy, but I´m not happy.

What´s that?

You written another?

I´ve taken the precaution of making a copy of my book

in case Sheila tries to publish it under her own name.

She´s not gonna do that, Arthur. She´s not insane.