Seinfeld

I don't belong to a health club. I have a limit on naked men I see in one day.

Zero.

That's it.

What is with the high level of security at health clubs, you know?

The picture IDs. Security guards. Signing in and out.

What is this, the Kremlin?

I mean, the people with a membership go twice a year. Who's breaking in?

Is this a big problem, people stealing exercise?

And what if they catch the person? What then? They run. It's aerobic.

Makes it even worse.

- Hi, Jerry. - Oh, hi, Sidra.

I last about 10 minutes on the StairMaster.

Unless someone's stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour.

- Really? - That's why it's called the StairMaster.

You get up there and you stare.

Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go take a sauna.

I'll see you Thursday night?

- Thursday night. - Okay.

Good workout?

Tremendous workout.

- It's a pretty girl. - Tremendous girl.

- She the one you went out with? - Yeah. I really like her.

You know, they're fake.

- What? Don't say that. - No. They're fake.

- How do you know? - I can tell.

You know how you always brag how you can spot a lesbian?

I'm not bragging. I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye.

Hi, how you doing?

Oh, right.

Come on. Don't you think they seem just a bit too perfect?

Yes, they do.

I never knew you were into breasts. Thought you were a leg man.

Leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs.

Have you seen her naked in the locker room?

- No. - Then I can't accept your testimony.

Maybe if you'd seen her naked.

- I don't wanna see her naked. - Well, I do.

Well, that's your problem.

Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow up.

Jerry, what am I gonna do? Go in there and spy on her in the sauna?

Yes. Go in there. Do a little investigative journalism.

I need to know.

But a few more dates, you can find out for yourself.

Don't be so sure. Look at George.

He's on his ninth date with Betsy. Still hasn't got anywhere.

What's his problem?

Every time he makes a move something screws up.

Their last date they were on the couch...

but she was on his wrong side. - Wrong side?

Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand.

Can't go left.

- He can't go left? - No.

I'm lefty. Can't go right.

What about women? They go left or right?

No, we just play defense.

Could I ask you a question?

Would you mind switching seats?

Actually, I'd really prefer to sit here. I don't hear very well out of this ear.

I always try to sit to the right of people.

I'll shout.

Well, I really think I feel more comfortable here.

Come on, come on.

- Come on, really. Come on. - George, I...

- Now, come on. - No, I really...

See, now is that so bad?

What?

- Oh, I... - The machine will get it.

No, it's not on.

- They'll call back. - George, what if it's an emergency?

In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies.

Why would you think on this planet that you're one of those three?

George, please.

Hello.

What?

Oh, my God.

All right, maybe four.

Boy, I'm really sweating.

Good sweat. Beads of sweat. Sweating bullets.

Look at her.

I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real.

I mean, why'd she even tie the towel around her?

She's got a rack on her chest.

Oh, God. Sidra's taking the towel off.

Doctor.

That's it.

I knew it. I knew it. They're definitely fake.

So when's the funeral?

Oh, well.

Aunt Clarice was so ill I guess it was really a blessing.

Yeah, I'll fly home as soon as I can.

Okay. You too. Get some sleep.

- You're sure? - Positive.

This chick's playing with Confederate money.

Then that's it. That's the end of that.

- What? Just because that? - Just because of that?

It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat.

You've dated women with nose jobs. What's the difference?

You don't touch the nose. You don't aspire to reach the nose.

You don't unhook anything to get to a nose...

and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostrils.

You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?

Well, I take it very seriously.

Sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met...

you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

You know, I do kind of wonder what fake breasts feel like.

Well, I know what they feel like.

You? How do you know?

Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months.

- I thought you hated Los Angeles. - No, I do.

Just miss the warm weather, you know?

Oh, man, I wish I could get away.

Real busy now, down at the office?

No. You know who I saw at the health club?

Salman Rushdie.

- No. - Yeah, right.

Salman Rushdie.

Well, I could see that. You got five million Moslems after you.

You wanna stay in pretty good shape.

I know what the problem is.

I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move.

- You put her on a pedestal. - I put them on a dental chair.

He puts them on a dental chair.

I'm not her boyfriend. I wanna be her boyfriend.

It's like a sauna in here.

- That's funny. - You're a funny guy.

Never heard that before.

So you going to the funeral?

- You think I should? - Are you kidding?

It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship.

She's crying. You put your arm around her and console her.

You're the consolation guy.

- I'm the consolation guy. - Consolation guy is big.

Her aunt dying is the best thing for you.

It's like 10 dates in one shot.

This confers upon you instant boyfriend status.

The family's there.

You're taking care of things. You're getting sandwiches. You're the rock.

It's in Detroit, though. It's an expensive flight.

Why don't you get a "death in the family" fare?

What?

Go to the airlines. Tell them that you have a death in the family...

they give you 50 percent off the fare.

- Really? - In fact...

listen, I'll go with you. We'll tell them there's a death in my family.

You buy the ticket. I'll split it.

Then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price.

Boy, I'm getting a good sweat here. Great sweat. Good beads. Nice beads.

Oh, look who's here. Silicon Valley.

Oh, so anyway. We go out on one date, and he asks me out for a second...

and then out of nowhere he calls me, cancels the date...

and says he doesn't wanna see me again.

Sorry. I couldn't help overhearing.

- Oh, that's okay. - Did he give you a reason?

Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.

Really?

Said she's mentally ill.

He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order.

Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi.

Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?

- Yes. How did you know? - I know the type.

- Oh, so you can relate? - Oh, yeah.

You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.

- Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. - Hi.

Anyway, I stood up to shake her hand and suddenly I lost my balance...

and I fell right into her. - You fell on her?

I touched them.

You what?

I touched them.

You touched them?

I needed them to help me break my fall.

If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself.

Anyway...

they're real.

Excuse me.

I think they might be real.

Oh, what do you know? You have no breast-touching experience.

- I've touched mine. - So have I.

Oh, right, I forgot.

Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert.

All right. Anyway, I think they're real, and if they are, they are spectacular.