Mulaney

That is great.

The writing.

Though I've always wondered, why is your character in the suitcase?

Well, I need to be smuggled over the border

because I'm wanted for being a jewel thief.

We cut a scene that explained the plot.

I see. I see.

Hey, John, remember when I told you

this job could lead to great opportunities?

How would you like to be one of the roasters?

-Really? -Yeah.

You would let me be on your roast?

Thank you. That's amazing.

You know, I've never been on TV before,

-unless you count that web series. -We don't.

Wow, I'm gonna be on a network roast.

This is awesome. I want to tell my parents.

Oh, let's tell them right now. Come on.

Donna, get Mrs. Mulaney on the phone.

Yes, Lou.

Yeah, I just love seeing people

tell their parents exciting news.

Hello, Mulaney residence.

I'm in your house.

I'm going to kill you.

Oh, that was great.

Who else shall we prank?

I'm really getting into this lady of the '50s thing.

Okay, so what should I say on my date?

Nothing. Ladies listen.

My mother was one of the great 1950s listeners.

And she would vacuum the entire house in heels,

as would I.

Interesting.

Jane, what was that?

A sneeze.

No. No, no, no.

When you sneeze, you never make a noise.

If it feels like your brain is exploding,

then you're doing it right.

So I just stay quiet the whole night?

No, no, no.

We're gonna teach you a cocktail hour song.

Men love to be entertained.

And I wouldn't mind seeing you in some period attire.

Period attire?

You mean like pajama pants and my giant hoodie?

No.

Clothing from that time period.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

We have a lot of work to do.

This newsreel on manners is from that time.

You may recognize the little boy playing the dunce.

-It's me. -No!

I didn't know you acted.

I didn't,

but I always came to school camera-ready.

There I am.

You're gonna roast Lou Cannon?

Young moolah, that's amazing.

If you need to stay up all night writing jokes,

I'm having a sale on study pills.

You take one of those, and you can focus all night.

Nah, I shouldn't. The last time I took one of those pills,

I stayed up and wrote those aerosmith parody songs.

And then, remember, they just turned out to be other Aerosmith songs.

Hey, are you sure roasting your boss is a good idea?

I'd be careful.

I got fired just for complimenting

my boss' breasts.

He was like, "you get out of here."

Yeah.

Andre could be right.

Roasting Lou might be dicey.

Damn it, and I really want to do this.

It pays 700 bucks.

That's, like, $80 after taxes.

Mulaney, don't panic.

I think you may be okay.

Lou is really successful,

and he knows you look up to him.

People can take a joke from somebody

who's so obviously lower status than them.

Huh.

See, if a steak makes fun of a hot dog,

that's cruel.

But if a hot dog makes fun of a steak,

-the steak ain't gonna care. -Right, because he's just a dumb hot dog.

So I'm a dumb hot dog?

-Okay. -Andre.

Andre.

I didn't call him a hot dog.

May I now present miss Jane Parvanah...

Wait. That won't do.

I'm gonna change it.

Jane Monroe.

Have you had dinner, gentlemen?

Would you like any pork chops with hot fruit?

Oh, cool.

Jane's on ecstasy.

Actually, Oscar has been giving me etiquette lessons.

How was work today?

A lady always takes an interest in a gentleman's livelihood.

Oh, really?

Because, you know, Motif and I were just discussing

the ins and outs of stand-up comedy.

Oh, how interesting.

Tell me everything.

I very much enjoy your stand-up act.

Your life experiences matter so much.

What about my act?

Have you heard the new political bit I do?

Every girl has a friend named Erica,

and if you ain't got a friend named Erica,

then you the friend Erica.

Well, I don't have one,

so I guess I'm Erica.

Oh, wow.

You two are destined for stardom.

Thank you.

You know, Jane, I never tell this to anybody,

but I think I could be the next Johnny Carson

but also do movies.

Ew, what?

John, you'll be lucky if you're Carson Daly

and you go to the movies.

Jane Bouvier Monroe, we have a lot more work to do.

Posture. Bust out.

Eyes dead.

Monroe, Mulaney, Motif residence.

He did what?

He called your son a hot dog?

Andre's crying in the bath right now?

John Bouvier Mulaney,

I expected more from you.

Welcome to Celebrity You Guessed It's roast

to Lou Cannon with special guests

the Rock, Jason Priestley, Slash,

and a polite text message from Tom Hanks.

And now, Lou Cannon!

Hey, yo! Thank you!

Oh, come on!

Wow, way to kick it off, Ron Jeremy.

Now I've been roasted and Shaq'd.

Love you, big guy.

Jason Priestley, everybody.

From 90210 to "I owe you one, bro."

We'll be back...

You're gonna kill this, baby boy.

So you don't think it's too mean to make a joke about Lou's parents?

No! They ain't watching.

They dead.

Remember, hot dog. Steak.

Hell, yeah.

My next guest is not a big name yet,

but he's a big star in my heart,

and I thought it would be fun to have him up here.

My protege, John Mulaney.

Thank you. Thank you.

You know, Lou Cannon is so old that...

That did not go well.

How dare you talk to me this way?

You think I'm old?

Would an old man wear this much makeup?

I'm sure he'll get over it.

I will never get over this.

Ever!

Damn.

Ron Jeremy is walking off in disgust.

You must have really crossed a line.

How do you cross that line?

Oh, no, another text from Lou

that he thought was a tweet.

"Why do bffs have to be so mean?