The Curse

'One thing I realised, after all these years,

'is you get what's coming to you.

'Let's start at the beginning.

'London, the early '80s

- it was rough out there, the worst recession since the war.

'Thatcher had pulled the working class's pants down,

'but in the same breath filed down our conscience

and replaced it with naked greed.'

You will find in the new Conservative Government

a remorseless and implacable opponent.

'They called this little pocket of east London the Bermuda Triangle

'because what went in was never seen again.'

'We were all just surviving back then, trying not to drown.'

OK, so we've got, er, one double bubble,

double, er, double,

double bubble...

One double bubble, double egg and beans.

Yeah. Sorry.

'Albert Fantoni, a sweet man, an honorable man,

'just a bit of a soft touch, bless him.'

Oh, you all right, Joe? Erm...

What's that doing there?

Erm, that was it,

er, Tash was just saying I should ask, er, just, erm,

i-if you c-could s-square up what you owe us?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we'll pay what we owe.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

But we'll pay it in salmon.

Salmon? Yeah, salmon.

We lifted a lorry load. Fuck all we can do with it, so you can have the lot.

No, no, that's really kind of you, but it's just that, erm,

I dunno really what we could...

Oh!

You had me there! I thought you were gonna shit yourself!

I wouldn't do that here!

I was like, "What are we gonna do with salmon?"

We are paying you in salmon, though.

'Mick Neville was Albert's cousin. He tells like he could've been a contender

'but we knew the truth -

he was soppy as a Sunday and bullshit just poured out of him.'

About two year ago,

I'm called out to fight a man by the name of George Foreman.

Eight men before me he's knocked sparko.

They call me into the ring,

my old Aristotle's going like a rabbit's nose,

I step in, I get my dukes up, he comes at me,

"Ping! Ping! Oh!"

Have you ever been kicked by a horse, Eric?

It felt like that.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Alberto's. Tash, it's the Captain. Is Mick there?

No-one calls you that, Phil. You can't just give yourself a nickname.

Whatever. Just tell Mick that I'm outside,

and make sure you get this bit right,

I'm on a car phone.

Mick, Phil's outside. He's on a car phone.

A car phone? Fuck off!

He says fuck off. "I can if I want."

I can make calls anywhere. Well, as long as I can get to it in the car.

He's on a car ph... He's on a phone in his car!

Is he on that car phone again?

You know the phone you're on now? It's exactly like that,

but it's installed in a car.

Move it!

Modern tech... Tell him it's modern technology.

Oi. Yep?

Are you daft? Sorry. What did I tell ya?

'Ah, Phil Pocket... Bowled about like a big-time gangster

'but he didn't really have the apples to be anything but a gofer

'for the likes of Joey and Crazy Clive Cornell,

'the real faces, the real deal.'

You're the driver! It's not your car!

The girls are ready, babe, so I'm gonna take them to school, all right? OK.

All right, girls? Daddy loves you this much. How much do you love Daddy?

All right, soppy bollocks!

Did you get paid? Oh, yeah, erm... I need to get the girls' pressies. Yeah, no.

Er, I was actually, erm, going to talk to you about that.

Yeah, all sorted. Erm...

Yeah, and he's paying us in salmon, so...

Salmon?

Yeah. Well, smoked salmon.

Right, so, we, erm, we're gonna give the girls lumps of fish for Christmas?

Yeah, I mean... OK, no, you're right. I'll sort it.

I'll speak to Joey.

Er, kissy?

Not in front of the customers. Oh, OK, then. Yeah.

See ya.

L-Love you!

'Love only gets you so far when you're down and broke.

'It's not a currency and it don't pay the bills.

'Everyone round here was just trying to make ends meet,

'just existing, like bit-parts in someone else's story.'

What's on the agenda today, then, Joe? What we up to?

Shut up!

'We were looking for any way to change our luck,

'any way to get out, to get a bit more than we had,

'but as my old mum used to say, you've got to be careful what you wish for.'

This Club Tropicana place is as real as they come. Yeah?

And it's a good time and the drinks are free for everyone.

That's what George Michael insisted. I saw the video.

As someone in the catering sector, I doubt the drinks would be free

but I'm sure they're making it back off the entrance fee or something like that.

George isn't paying an entrance fee. He's a celebrity.

Maybe not George, but you know what I mean.

I bet he gets so much crumpet. Oh, God, yeah! Swimming in it! Yeah.

He's a good-looking boy, that's for sure.

Lovely eyes. Cheekbones on the kid! Whoa!

He's the centre fold in this month's Just Seventeen magazine.

Why are you reading Just Seventeen? You're 45.

Here he is! Thanks for coming. Hello, Sid. How you feeling?

Are you well, Sid? All right, boy? You're probably wondering where I've been the last few months.

Well, er, Tash did tell us about, er, Sue sleeping with her boss.

I'm really sorry to hear about that.

Who told you? Did you have a breakdown or something?

My sister's a blabbermouth.

No, that's not what this is about. I've got myself a new job.

Congratulations, then, Sidney, mate.

Well done. Very nice! Well done, Sid. Got your life back together.

Good stuff. That's not why I'm here.

I'm here because I've got a proposition for you. Oh, yeah?

I've got myself a job down in Newham. Oh, yeah?

This little warehouse.

I say little. It's big. The place is like an Aladdin's cave.

Cash, shipments, coming in and out.

Up to 50 grand. I'm in! I'm all over it.

Hold on. Slow down, mate.

He's just explaining about his new job. Yeah, let him finish, Mick. Go on.

Well, the security there is just me and a couple of wheezy old-timers.

They pretty much just let you in the back door.

How did we get here? Are you talking about a robbery?

It's not a robbery as such.

I just, er, open the door

and turn my back. That's still a robbery.

I'll have a word with Crazy Clive. Clive Cornell. Good friend of mine.

He's hardly your friend. You work for him, mate.

He is my friend. And he's a fucking lunatic.

Yeah, I think we should agree not to involve anyone called Crazy.

Sidney, can we do it tomorrow? I'm around all day tomorrow.

All day long. Nothing in the diary.

Not tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, not tomorrow, mate.

My time is extremely valuable.

Do you understand that?

So you tell me when is the best time to do this.

That's a good question.

Erm, I haven't...

I haven't exactly... That'll be the next...

That'll be the next part of the plan that I'd have to start thinking

about and that's what I would do.

So... I'm not being funny, but he doesn't know what he's talking about.

He's just got off the back of a breakdown. No offense.

Technically, it was a breakdown.

Albert, it's 50 grand. We could all do with a drop of that.

I could do with a drop of it.

50,000 grand. I'm on the bones of my very arse as I'm talking.

You'd be the first to get caught. Look at the size of ya.

Albert's talking some common!

I've got too much to lose. I'm out!

No, Mick, you've got fuck all to lose, mate. You're entitled to a bit of cream, boy.

I'm entitled to some cream, I never had no cream.

Big Mick's back in. Ah, fucking hell!

So...

..we have a decision.

Mick's in. HE GRUNTS

Sidney, how about you?

Well, yeah, it's my job. So, you're in?

Well, yeah. I invented it. Good. Good.

Albert? Are you in?

Of course I'm not in! It's a stupid idea. Why would I be in?

To the robbery! Yeah!

Let's not say that too loudly.

'50 grand between the four of you.'

That's like... 12, nearly 13 bags each, babe.

It could be a million grand for all I care, it's just way too risky.

I'm not doing it, never.

Remember when I was, like, 14 and I used to go up west knocking out that dodgy aftershave?

Oh, yeah!

This old boy comes up to me once

and asked whether I wanna join this girl group he's putting together.

He ain't even heard me sing!

So I tell him to do one.

But every now and again I think,

"What if he was real? I could've been in Bananarama!"

Yeah. Or he could've been a nonce.

Yeah, he probably was just a nonce. Yeah.

The point is, we'll never know, will we?

I know, but he sounds quite noncey.

What are Phil and Mick saying?

They're idiots, so obviously they're up for it.

They'd need someone strong to pull it off, though, mind.

Yeah, I know, that's the problem.

A leader like...

Oh... Someone to take control.

We could clear all our debts.

Maybe get a new car. Yeah.

A holiday,

Breville sandwich maker...

I mean, yeah, Breville have been stepping it up a notch recently.

Mm-hm.

SULTRY MUSIC

'They say life is a series of decisions