Mulaney

I don't like people.

Is that a good way to start?

I like persons,

but I don't like groups of people coming together.

It frightens me.

Like, if I could have dinner with any three people

from history, living or dead,

I wouldn't.

I don't like when people in my life come together

because there's always complications.

On tonight's show, a woman comes between two men.

Now, whenever a woman comes between two men,

I think it's because the men already have problems.

Like, who's the most famous woman to ever come between men?

I think it's Yoko Ono.

People say that Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles.

I don't believe that.

She didn't break up the Beatles.

Look, if you want to criticize Yoko Ono,

criticize her for her insane art.

I don't think she broke up the Beatles.

I've been in relationships.

Women just get sick of you complaining

about the same thing every day.

I bet John Lennon came home from work every day and was like,

"wah! I'm sick of those three guys."

And one day she was like, "you know what?

If you're so sick of it, why don't you just quit?"

And he was like, "oh, yeah."

There's no way a spouse

who shares in the money of the Beatles

would tell him to quit.

I don't care how weird she is.

There's no way she was like,

"look, John, I know that every time you guys release an album

"everyone on the planet buys it,

"but we've got some money saved,

and my last screaming poem did pretty well."

Mulaney -01x09 Worlds Collide

Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay?

That was fun, John.

Yeah, you got to see a taping of a network game show.

That's why my family Fled Iran.

What I meant was,

it was fun to get out of the apartment and hang out with you.

You work for Lou night and day now,

and my job has been so slow.

I thought you had new clients.

I'm only training one client, and it's over video chat.

Five more air squats, Tina!

Okay, you can do this!

She hasn't lost a pound.

Ah.

It was fun hanging out with you too, but one critique,

you are a terrible audience member.

What?

You didn't laugh at one of Lou Cannon's jokes.

Do you think he noticed?

Ha-ha!

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Hey, let's get this show on the road, shall we?

So...

Uh-oh! Someone paused their DVR!

Hear what I said, little lady?

I'm on pause.

Not like cat's paws.

Rawr!

Laugh.

At what?

Look, the only thing I think is funny is America's Funniest Home Videos.

Animals acting like humans

and people severely injuring themselves at weddings.

Otherwise, I don't really like comedy, you know?

No.

Is there anything that makes you happy?

John, I like lots of things,

like a thick magazine

with photos of a nice apartment with good light

and, like, a photo of the kitchen

where an elegant white woman is chopping a red pepper.

And...

Yeah, that's it.

I just hope your not laughing doesn't upset lo...

He's easily rattled,

like an elephant or temple grandin at the emmys.

I mean, I need him in a good mood to pitch my ideas.

Like, I have this one idea I'm too nervous to pitch where

I'd host an online segment.

My grandfather fought in World War II, and I'm too afraid to pitch web content.

Why are you so afraid of Lou? I thought you two were friends.

We'll never be pals.

I mean, we're different generations.

He's a baby boomer. I'm generation y.

We're millennials.

Oh, right, so what I wanna know is,

what happened to Generation Z?

Y'all watching Girls?

No, that was our conversation.

Hey, you know, I'm headlining the comedy club's urban explosion night.

All new material.

Oh, man, I haven't seen you do stand-up in so long.

Well, come on by. Sit in the front row.

Oh, so I can be the one white guy everyone makes fun of?

Hey.

Club Ebony's urban explosion all-black comedy throwdown

isn't about race.

Hey, Lou.

I want to apologize for my friend Jane for not being a good audience member.

She is, uh, not a normal person.

Johnny, I've been in show business for a long time.

I'm a professional.

I'm not gonna focus on one girl in seat four not laughing even once.

Hey, since you're in such a good mood,

there's this idea that I've been wanting to pitch you.

I'm all ears.

Speak your mind, Johnny.

Okay, well, I was thinking that it could...

I was thinking it could be interesting...

Come on, come on, spit it out. This is annoying.

-Jane? -Hey, how's it going?

Hey, my new trainer's here.

Hi.

Listen, first of all, welcome.

And I just want to let you know that I don't want to

break a sweat, just bend one.

I'm kidding.

I hope you love handles.

John, what's happening?

I should get changed.

Jane, what are you doing here?

I got a call that Lou needed a trainer.

I assumed you got me the job.

No, I had nothing to do with it,

and I don't think he hired you to be his trainer.

What? You mean he wants to sleep with me?

It's worse than that. He wants to make you laugh.

Gross.

Yeah.

Look, the next time he makes a joke,

just give him, like, a fake laugh. Otherwise, we'll be here forever.

I can't fake a laugh.

It's not like saying "I love you."

Come on, just imagine that, you know, he's like a row of bridesmaids falling down.

Oh, my God,

I love when happy girls fall down.

Okay.

-Okay, I'll try. -Thank you.

Wow.

Was this apartment in City Interiors Magazine?

Yes, it was.

My decorator was going for feng shui.

But I just wanted to wang chung!

That's a beautiful laugh.

Well, you're very... fun-funny.

Ah.

She lives!

She's alive!

I love that laugh, you know.

There are so few laughs in show business you can trust.

Paul Shaffer, Kevin Eubanks, and now you.

Hey, she laughed.

Shallow goal accomplished.

Uh, I guess Jane should go.

No, no, no, Jane and I are kind of vibing here.

You know, you deserve a day off.

I want Jane to train me.

So I can leave?

Wait, I have to stay?

We'll call you my trainer and consultant.

How does $750 for the day sound?

Oh, for $750 a day, you can call me a dumb bitch.

-Have a great day off. -I will.

Let's see, I've got all day.

How late does the met stay open?

NSFW.

Kerry...

Kerry Washington in sheer tank top with...

Hmm.

Ugh, I'm disgusting.

Let's do this.

God forgive me.

I'm happy you made it to the urban explosion.

Really excited for you to meet my friends.

Hey, fellas, come look at this cornbread ass-looking idiot.

Motif, man, I love those characters you do onstage, man.

-Oh, like your mom? -Thank you. Thank you.

"Hey, Motif, tell your daddy that ain't our house.

That's the liquor store!"

You do it better.

I just take what I know, and I bring it to life, you know what I mean?

Aren't Motif's parents great?

I mean, they're both these really serious college professors...

Mulaney, Mulaney, no...

-No, no, no. -But they're also fun, you know?

Like, every year they do that Christmas card

where they dress up like the chipmunks.

Wait, so you're telling me those characters you do onstage aren't real?

Well, I exaggerate

to add some flavor to my childhood.

Where did you grow up?