Taskmaster NZ

I'm peeing in the water.

Whoo-hoo!

Gotta be faster than that!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Kia ora koutou katoa. Welcome to the fourth episode of Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells, and I am the Taskmaster.

A few months ago, I forced five talented comedians to complete a series of tasks

that did not necessarily utilise any of their pre-existing talents. (LAUGHTER)

At the end of the whole taxing season, one will be crowned Taskmaster champion,

and they will take home my head cast in gold...

Whoo!

forged by the team at a much cheaper West Auckland equivalent of Weta Workshop.

Our comedians, like every week, are David Correos... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Guy Montgomery...

Laura Daniel...

Matt Heath...

and Urzila Carlson.

I'd like to take this moment to give a shout-out to the essential workers,

Taskmasters' assistants.

The last year and a half has proven just how vital they are. (LAUGHTER)

One I'm particularly fond of is my own one,

and that's Paul Williams.

So tell us about this week's prize task, Paul.

This week, I hope the police aren't watching,

because we've asked them to bring in the most impressive

stolen item.

I won't narc if you won't nark, Paul. (LAUGHTER)

OK, let's start with Guy.

I have the highest honour that can be bestowed in the British honours system.

I've actually stolen a Victoria Cross. (LAUGHTER)

Oh-ho!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - What?

So obviously, the material item is incredible, but for me,

I think the main thing I've stolen there is the valour. (LAUGHTER)

You don't know whose it was?

Well, I do. It would be incredibly incriminating to say whose.

- David. - I stole the shoe rack from my flat.

Last night was when they found out I had stolen it. (LAUGHTER)

Here's the group chat message.

'Who moved the shoe rack?

'Not me. I was very confused when I saw that too lol.

'What the fuck?

'Timbs are missing.'

Followed by...

'David. Is this your stolen item?'

'David, you fuck.' (LAUGHTER)

Matt, what did you bring in?

There's a part of TVNZ, it's known as the bowels,

and I was shooting a TV show there, and I went

the wrong way on the way back from the toilet,

and I ended up in this room full of artefacts from ancient TV shows.

And this won't mean anything to this side here... (LAURA LAUGHS)

but I found the Top Town trophy.

That is the actual Top Town trophy, nicked it out of TVNZ. (LAUGHTER)

So, you know that this is a TVNZ show?

Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah, but they won't watch, will they?

It's actually pretty rubbish, isn't it? For a trophy, for a whole town,

for the most popular show in the country.

Also, I'm not sure we can be critiquing... trophies.

Yeah.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Laura.

What did you bring in?

- I stole Paul's girlfriend. Whoo!

(APPLAUSE)

We went on a date, we had a magical time,

we kissed, we had candyfloss; I've stolen her heart.

Do you find that amusing, Jeremy?

I think that's fantastic.

You know what else is fantastic? Um, I also stole your girl. (LAUGHTER)

Whoo! I really wanna win now. - Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Yeah! Yeah, whoo!

- Were you laughing? - No, I don't laugh (!)

Oh, OK. (LAUGHTER)

Well, it's probably good that you weren't laughing because, um,

I also took your girl.

- You find that amusing, David? - What the fuck?!

- I also took your girl. - (LAUGHTER)

- What?! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

We hung out outside a Royal Oak PAK'nSAVE. (LAUGHTER)

I know the one! I take her there too. (LAUGHTER)

- Matt. - Yeah.

It did take a while to track your girl down, but, uh,

I found her. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Urzila, um, I respect you too much. - Thanks, mate. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Very good. Urzila. - Talk about stealing hearts --

I recently found out that someone is madly in love with me,

and I went over and tried to talk sense into the person, and...

they weren't home, so I just took a little memento and got this guy.

- A little teddy bear. - That's not any teddy bear. (LAUGHTER)

- Who's teddy bear is that? - That is my teddy bear Gregory. (LAUGHTER)

Is it me or does Gregory just seem a little bit sad?

- Yeah, he smells weird too, mate. - (LAUGHTER)

To be fair, I think both Laura, Urzila deserve highest points here,

because I think your one was particularly good.

David deserves one point for that shoe rack. (LAUGHTER)

And from you, Guy, I think... You stole something that you could go to jail for.

You stole something that you could be fired for.

So I think probably you should have two points,

and I think you should have three points, Matt. Do you wanna recap that for idiots?

OK. (LAUGHTER)

One point for David, two points for Guy,

three points for Matt, four points for Urzila,

five points for Laura Daniel.

Let's dive into a bona fide video task, shall we, Paul?

Let's do it. This task was recorded at the beautiful Lake Taskmaster,

which is also known as a disgusting, small pond. (LAUGHTER)

Hello, David.

Hello, Paul!

- Quite a long walk. - Sorry.

Fuck, this better not be like one of those Married at First Sight scenarios.

I'm not marrying this clown.

- Good to see ya, man. - Good to see you.

'Get the Swiss ball in the kayak.' - 'You cannot get wet.'

- 'Fastest wins.' - 'Your time starts... now.'

Feel like the natural thing would be just to give it a go.

Is it gonna bounce?

But it's definitely gonna bounce out, isn't it?

No, I'm going to the shed.

Before we go on, I feel like I got to get this off my chest.

Swiss balls... are way too big.

I was recently trying to play basketball in Zurich.

We couldn't buy a basket.

This task seems quite straightforward. Who's up first?

- Here's Laura and Guy. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I should have attached something to the ball. (LAUGHTER)

Oh!

- (CLANK!) Ohh!

No, come back.

Where is this current coming from?

- Paul! - Yeah?

- Can you come here? - OK.

- Can you run? - OK.

Oh no! Yeah, I got you. I got you.

- Can you get wet, Paul? - I'd just prefer not to. - But you can.

- Should we get a stick? - I think maybe you should get a stick.

No good.

Oh! Still attached to the ground.

I gotta go back to the shed.

Yeah, baby!

- Can I go get some rope? - Yeah. - (GROANS)

- (LAUGHTER) - I'm comin', Paul!

Why didn't I think of this in the first place? I'm an idiot!

Oh, no, not tight enough.

Aargh!

I stay dry.

Oh! Oh! Ohhh!

- (EXCLAIMS) Oh yes. - Yes, yes... Yes!

Yes! Yes! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Whoo-hoo! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So, just explain to us, what gave you the confidence

to think that you were gonna be able to throw it in in one go?

If you got it in one go, you would look like a legend, and worth the risk.

And what part of you, Guy, thinks that there's a current in a pond? (LAUGHTER)

To be honest, when I first went up to the shed, and I gathered these tools,

I saw a pair of galoshes in the corner of the shed. (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

But I thought, 'I'll save those for another task.' (LAUGHTER)

- What was the timing, Paul? - So, Guy -- 12 minutes 13.

Laura, 17.22.

Who else dares throw a Swiss ball into a kayak, Paul?

12 minutes is the time to beat.

Here is my main man, if you exclude my father, my brother, Jeremy,

my closest male friends, Neil Diamond -- it's Matt Heath! (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

I've got a plan.

What do you reckon? Underarm?

Ohhh! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Whoo! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

We've been working together for a long time, and finally I've seen something,

which actually makes me respect you.

I still haven't seen anything from you that makes me respect you, but I...

But, boy, how smart, eh. (CHUCKLES)

- All you guys, and then I just... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

- (LAUGHTER) - What's the timing on that one?

- Very quick -- 3.23. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)