Stir Crazy

Who needs Hollywood?

I hear they're really nuts out there.

Marvelous salad. Marvelous!

May I have a bit more, please?

Yes, sir. WOMAN: And me too, please.

And count me in. It is divine.

Mm. Mm-mm.

Excuse me. Yes, ma'am.

Tell Sissie everything so far is excellent.

She'll be real pleased, ma'am.

And I'll have a little more of that. Fraction more. Wonderful salad.

Yes, ma'am.

Is it ready?

Needs a little more oregano.

I put a whole lot in already. Well, just a touch more.

Where did you get this? This isn't my oregano.

Out your bag.

That's not my bag. That's the waiter's bag.

Four more salads for four very hungry people

who are very... What's wrong with you?

Harry, what is this?

That's personal.

What is it?

It ain't oregano.

Oh, my God.

You put this in the veal?

And the soup. No.

And the salad. Lord, have mercy.

Grass. My grass.

Jesus. You cooked half my stash!

Hi. Hello. Excuse me, dear.

May I talk with you for just one minute?

Up your kazoo.

My... Wait a minute. Please, I'm not trying to be a pest.

I know that you're an actress. Who are you?

My name is Skip Donahue.

I'm a playwright and I saw you do a scene

from Romeo and Juliet at the Wilson workshop.

I want you to know that you were wonderful.

I'm not just saying it to be kind. You were really lovely.

If you don't get out of my way, I'm going to kick you in the nuts.

Kick in the nuts.

You're fantastic.

I mean, the way you can switch characters like that.

The difference between this and your Juliet is fabulous.

By the way, dear.

I know that you're not wearing anything underneath that coat.

What? I also know that you're a shoplifter.

Part time. What are you? A looney tune?

No. I'm the store detective here, part time.

Oh, she's so...

Mrs. R. H. Was my best customer too.

Yeah, well I was James' best customer.

That's the guy who sold me this African Ganja '65.

Do you understand what you've done to me?

My girlfriend, Caroline, just for a little bit of this,

not only was gonna let me have her mind and her body,

but two of her girlfriends.

She'll ruin me when she finds out. I'm finished.

Maybe she'll think it's the wine.

Think it's the wine? Let me tell you something.

There's no wine in the world that... Smell that. Huh?

This is '65 African Ganja from the motherland.

You understand? It's been soaked in the earth, back home.

This is mean!

One joint of this put Southern California to sleep back in '65.

Did you know there was a revolution in '65?

We went to sleep and missed it, because of this.

This is mean. This is bad.

And you done just spread it over everything.

I hope you had fun, because I ain't gonna have no fun.

I saw you try on that dress and pretend to steal.

And you even managed to look guilty, which was terrific,

because you are a wonderful actress.

But what you didn't know is I also saw you

slip in the Junior Miss department,

take off the dress and throw it in the trash bin.

Let me get this right, shithead.

You kill me.

You think that I was a terrific Juliet. You were.

Thanks. And you think that I stole a dress.

And then threw it away. Right.

And you don't think I have anything on under this coat.

I know that you don't. Ha-ha-ha.

More wine, sir?

What is this stuff? It's Domestic '65. Hot, isn't it?

Was that a good year? Yes, ma'am. Best ever.

It's a bitch.

What did you say?

I didn't say nothing, ma'am.

Oh.

I...

I'm feeling something very strange.

That's my leg. Hm?

Mm. Oh.

It's all right. Hit him again, Harry.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Hitting you again, Father. I've never felt like this before.

Now, I'm... Horny?

Mm-hm. Yes?

You know, which reminds me.

You know, there's something I always wanted to ask someone like you.

Do you get much? Not too often.

Just an occasional glass at dinner.

Oh. That's not what she meant.

Ooh. Harry. Yes, yes.

The most wonderful thing in my life just happened to me.

Ooh, me too.

She bad, ain't she?

Harry, I got fired today. I got fired too.

What are you talking about?

I got fired from my... You got fired? Today?

This afternoon? Between 3:30 and 4:00?

Yeah, about that. What happened? I won a big prize?

Harry.

Yeah, baby. This is fantastic.

Yeah. Any deaths in the family? We can celebrate them too.

Don't you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I'll just... Skip! Skip.

Hiya, Nancy. Nancy?

How you doing? How you doing, Nancy?

Hey, Nancy! Skip, I'm sitting back here.

Yeah, Nancy. Hello. Sure. Okay, okay.

You don't introduce me to someone like that, man?

She's not for you. What do you mean she's not for me?

Harry, Nancy is a fascinating girl.

Yeah. She may be the single hottest girl

on the east side. Yeah.

But when you wake up in the morning,

you'll find that she's not a very serious person.

Neither am I.

Harry, listen to me. For the first time in our lives,

we're free. Yeah, we're free.

Free to walk out in the cold, free to be ridiculed, free to starve!

No! I don't mean that! I mean we're free to get out of this city!

It's driving me buggy! MAN: Hey!

Hey, mister! What are you trying to pull?

I gave you a $10 bill. What do you think, I'm crazy?

Come on, it's 8.50 on the clock.

Okay? You gave me a buck, not 10! Bullshit.

I gave you a 10.

Hey, man. Why are you trying to steal from me, huh?

Get lost, Chico.

You see what this city does to people?

They need room to breathe. They need a little love. They need affection.

The little guy needs his money.

Big guy needs a two-by-four upside his head. That's what he needs.

All those two fellas need is someone to talk to them gently, with compassion.

That's all that they need.

Are you serious? Huh?

You know that I'm serious. That's what I'm telling you.

That's what I don't like about this city. You're a saint, that's why.

Why do you make fun of me? No, I'm serious.

You ought to go over there to those fellas, because they're gentlemen.

They're gonna understand what you're talking about. You convinced me.

Okay? Just go on over there. You tell them what you told me.

Go on over there.

Okay. Skip. What are you...? Skip.

Skip, don't go over there, man.

Skip.

Oh, hi, Lana.