Lip Service

My aunt died. "It's Auntie Carol. Come home.

"There's something I need to tell you face to face."

We haven't seen each other in two years, I thought... You'd waltz back in and everything would be OK?

Why are you in Glasgow? Frankie was two years ago. How much more ready can you be?

Hi. You're Cat.

I'm really sorry, I've got to dash. I'll catch you later?

Carol wanted to tell me something. Do you know what? If she had anything to say to you, she'd have told me.

Have you checked out Lou Foster yet? Presents Afternoons with Lou and Tom.

Thought she'd be your type. She's everyone's type, but straight.

I've wanted to kiss a woman forever. And you're gorgeous.

I really missed you. I really missed you, too.

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE & SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE

ECSTATIC MOANING

Right about... SHE MOANS

SHE MOANS

So, how did you get to be so good at that?

Er, I took classes at the local education college.

SHE LAUGHS

Shit. I've got to get to the studio. Sorry.

So, then, what are you up to today?

Er...usual hectic timetable.

Dole office followed by a bit of lunchtime telly,

maybe an afternoon nap. Still no word from your agent? No.

I'm beginning to think I should just quit, try my hand at something else. Don't say that. Things will pick up.

Actually, I was thinking, you know you mentioned two runners had dropped out of your show?

Oh, you wouldn't want to do that. It's really shitty work.

You've got such a busy schedule, we'd get to spend more time together. Erm...

I'll put a word in with the production manager. OK.

Tess, look, you wouldn't be able to tell anyone about us.

No. God, I completely understand. I'd say we were just friends. Great.

SHE LOCKS THE DOOR

SHOWER RUNS

VIBRATOR BUZZES

# This is my home

# The place where I'm lonely

# This is my home

# The place where I'm lonely

# Ghost...is...not...real

# This is my home

# The one and sweet home

# Ghost...is...not...real

# This is my home...

Morning! Tess, why is there a pair of dirty socks under the kitchen table?

Er, they made a break for freedom

and escaped from the washing machine. I don't mean to seem rude, but can you put things away?

This has been here so long, it's virtually an installation! Look at me, putting them away. There you go.

Look, you don't have to go to the funeral if you don't want to. You don't owe Frankie anything.

It's her aunt's funeral and I want to be a grown-up about this.

I've avoided her long enough. If I want to move on,

I need to be able to be around her without it doing my head in. How was your night?

Let's just say I didn't get much sleep.

Has she gone down on you yet? Look, it's her first time with a woman. She's bound to be anxious.

Doesn't make her straight. So she's a total pillow princess and you're putting in all the elbow grease.

Well, at least I'm not sitting round moping about Chloe anymore.

And she's trying to get me a job at her show,

so she's obviously not that uptight about us. She's going to tell people she's seeing you? No. But...

Why don't you ask her to dinner with Ed and me? Something low-key, coax her out of the closet.

Good idea. Maybe I will.

CAMERA CLICKS

We're going to be late. It starts in half an hour.

It's not like my family can form a worse impression of me.

You are all right, aren't you? I mean, about going to this?

Yeah, fine, I liked your aunt. I'm happy to pay my respects.

Nice outfit. What, this? I just drag it out of the cupboard for funerals and interviews.

I see you dressed for the occasion.

Well, I was going to wear the twinset and pearls but I thought better of it.

Excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find the production manager, Mark Simons?

Just down there. Short, stocky guy.

Fuck him! No, seriously, fuck him!

He should be paying me for staring at his great big fat fucking face!

Well, he can fuck off, then!

Tell him from me, Mark said fuck off! Hi.

Hang on, Jerry. I'm Tess Roberts. Lou Foster mentioned me about the runner's job.

Yeah, I remember. The actress. That's what I've been doing but... Can you make tea? Yeah.

Can you start today? I've had two idiots bail on me. Yeah. Great. See the production secretary.

Then find Jamie, the other runner. He'll show you the ropes.

Oh, and when you find that no-good son of mine, if he's listening to his iPod and reading magazines,

tell the lazy little shit to do some fucking work!

Sorry, Jerry.

Mostly people just ask you to get shit, like drinks and stuff.

But they always want it yesterday, cos it's live television

so they're always freaking out.

Ah, and you have to wear this.

So they know you're a runner.

May we who mourn be reunited one day with Carol.

Together, may we meet Jesus Christ when he who is our life...

You don't have to do this.

We read in the sacred scripture...

No, sod it. I'm here now.

..says the Lord,

inherit the kingdom prepared for you since the foundation of the world

in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord, Jesus Christ.

We commend to almighty God our sister, Carol,

and we commit her body to the ground, its resting place.

Earth to earth. Ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust.

The Lord bless her and keep her.

The Lord make his face to shine upon her

and be gracious to her. Wait here.

Frankie! The Lord lift up his countenance upon her and give her peace.

Can I have that, please? No.

Forget it!

LOW CHATTER

They always look like that.

Brassy and vacuous. Bet he had that one on the go while she was dying. What does she see in him?

He can be quite charming when you first meet him. Takes a while to realise he's a piece of work.

Hi, Frankie. Cat. Thought it was you.

How are you? I'm fine, thanks. I'm sorry about your mum.

She was always lovely to me.

Thanks. I thought it might be easier cos we knew she was ill for a long time before she died,

but it doesn't really make any difference. How long?

How long was she ill for, Karen? We didn't know where you were.

Found me when you wanted to, though, didn't you? Did he tell you not to contact me?

Frankie, don't. He's not like he is with you with me. We get on.

Yeah, I noticed. You haven't been written out of history like I have.

I would've put pictures of you up, but we don't have them. He got rid of them?

No. She did. The album she made of you as a kid, it's gone.

She told the lawyer handling the will to send it to someone.

Who the hell would want my photos? I don't know.

Does he know where they are? No. I asked him and he doesn't.

Look, I really need to go and say hello to people.

See you later. OK?

MUFFLED VOICES

No, this girl was saying... Hi.

Oh! Hi. They said you wanted a coffee.

Thanks. I, er, didn't think they'd get you started so soon.

Well, Mark was stressed about losing the other runner, so...

Mark's generally stressed about something.

Sorry, erm, Tom, this is Tess.

Hi. Tess is an old school friend and an actress. She's going to be doing a bit of running for the show

while she's resting. Old school chums, eh? So, what was Lou like at school?

I bet she was a bit of a heartbreaker. Don't be silly, Tom, I was no such thing.

Come on! Tom, don't you have to get to makeup? We're on in an hour. Yes.

I'll leave you two to reminisce about the good old days. Nice to meet you, Tess.

I'll, er, see you later, alligator.

You two seem to get on well.

Oh, you're not jealous of Tom, are you?

He's sweet, but he looks like a potato.

I couldn't blame him if he did fancy you. Tess! What are you doing?

Sorry. The door was shut, I thought... You thought wrong!

If someone came in, it'd be all over the studio in two minutes! I'm sorry. I won't do it again.

I guess I'll see you later.

Erm, is it all right if I leave my bag here? Yeah, it's fine.

LOW CHATTER

Look at him. Doing the nice guy routine.

Can't believe he didn't want me to know my aunt was ill. I'll get you a glass. I'm fine with this.

What? I won't be getting any inheritance. Might as well cash in.

I think we should go now. You know, you are looking really good in that.

What are you doing?

Remember when we got these?

I never thought you'd go through with it.

Frankie, stop. Come on, we're making their day.

I said stop!

Outside! Now!

What is wrong with you?

We didn't bring you up to be like this! You did not bring me up at all!

I don't know why you bothered to come. She didn't love you, you know? Not like her own kid.

Even as a little girl, it was obvious you were damaged goods.

Fuck you!

Yep. No worries. I'm on it. Right, OK, the celebrity booker needs a latte

and a special macchiato and a decaf frappe cappuccino for her guests.

Oh, and Bob the cameraman wants a skinny cinnamon latte.

Right, I've got to get back, they probably need me on the floor.

Oh, shit. What was...

Excuse me, do you know where I'll find Bob the cameraman?

Over there, doll. He's the good-looking bastard with the blond hair.

Can't miss him. OK. Thanks.

Excuse me. Coming through.

So, how are things going with your girlfriend? Which one?

THEY LAUGH Coming through.

He said he was coming through. She didn't get out of the way. Jesus.

Jesus! What the fuck are you doing?

I was just trying to get Bob's coffee order.

Coffee? Do you know how much this is worth?

Thanks to you, I have to do a wedding cake feature without a cake!

Erm, I think the bottom tier's OK, actually.

Are you OK?

I went to live with him when I was three, I'm used to it.

That's doesn't make it all right.

He's hiding something from me, I know he is.

Don't let him get to you. That's what he wants. What do you know?

I know what difficult families are like.

Oh, really? What did yours do? Cheat at Monopoly? Or send you to ballet classes?

I know you're upset.

I came here because I want to help and taking things out on me isn't going to make it better.

You're all so fucking reasonable, aren't you? What makes you think you're qualified to help anyone?

Do you know how much I missed you?

Now I wonder why I bothered.

SHE LOCKS THE DOOR Are you OK?

Erm, I just came to get my bag. You don't want to take any notice of what Mark says.

He's like that with everyone. Yeah.

Come here.

Come on. Oh, so this is OK now, is it?

It isn't just about me, it's about you, too.

If the tabloids got hold of this, you'd be miserable, too. Come on, don't be angry. I'm sorry.

How about... you come over to mine tonight

and...I can make it up to you.

Actually, I was thinking maybe you come to mine, have dinner with Ed and Cat. They'd love to meet you.

Yeah, right, why not? Amazing.

Hi, Tess. Not great.