Scrubs

Since my apartment's roof collapsed, I was living at a hotel.

- -

But that's not the only thing that's changed around here.

- I'm an attending, a licensed badass. -

Elliot actually works at a different hospital.

She's trying to lay low at first.

- -

And Turk and Carla are trying to make a baby.

Here you go, baby.

I know you love foreplay, but I have five minutes,

so I made you a sandwich.

That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

- Over here, Turk. - My bad, baby.

Yep! Life was different.

Hey! Did you take my Porsche from the valet?

This didn't feel like my scooter.

Ow! Look, no harm done. Here are your driving glasses,

here's your driving scarf and here are your driving gloves.

Fine, here's your driving sock.

I didn't care, because now that I'm an attending,

I had picked out a whole new look.

- Good morning, colleague. - Oh, absolutely not.

What, Tall, Dark and Scary? I can wear whatever the hell I...

- What are you doing? - This is my imaginary warning light.

When it starts blinking, a situation has ten seconds to resolve itself

before I flash white with rage and kill someone.

One, two, three, four...

seven, eight, nine and ten.

I had trouble getting my babyGap T-shirt off.

- It'll happen. - Ow.

OK, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with "ow."

How depressing is it being you? Seriously.

Would you equate it more to being a Cub fan,

or to, say, being born without lips?

- Born without lips. - I know a guy.

- His house just burned down. - How sad.

He was smoking in bed. He shouldn't smoke, 'cause he looks ridiculous.

"I have a snake face."

Listen, today if you bother me, could you do it without being around me?

I have new interns starting. Can you imagine what it's like

to see this place through their eyes the first time?

- Something on your shirt, kid. - Huh? Oh.

- Ha-ha! Classic! -

Hey...

Sparky, it's five dollars a minute to stare in public.

It's free in private...

- -

You're gonna love it here, sport.

- Get out while you still can. - Hmm.

Seriously, get out while you still can.

Junior, have you seen Johnny?

Alzheimer's patient, likes to tackle people?

Mmm, mmm-mm.

Has anybody seen Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient?

Hey! You must be Keith.

Don't look so nervous, buddy. I got your back.

- Who am I? -

I found him.

Someone's close enough for a hair-mussing.

- -

Dynamite bangs. Hey, guys. Follow me.

Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me.

If you're desperate, we're lucky.

This is a city hospital, there are heroin addicts

who are quite adept at this. Did you find a vein, there, Reverend Mayhem?

- No problem. - Good work, buddy. Stay in school.

- Mr. Kellerman, how're you feeling? - Not great.

Well, that's probably why you're here! Ha!

Humor is a great icebreaker for patients, OK? Follow me.

Mr. Kellerman has congestive heart failure.

Lisa, I want you to start him on diuretics, OK?

We'll loosen up some fluid around his lungs.

The good news is he'll go home tomorrow.

The bad news is if he's not here, he won't move up the heart transplant list.

See, in medicine, there are lots of Catch-22s,

a phrase made famous, I believe, by an old fisherman who would stay out fishing

until he caught... how many fish? Anybody? That's right, 22.

- See, in 1492, Columbus... - Newbie!

If you loved the sound of your very own voice any more,

you would probably sit in a little room all day and sing to yourself.

Oh, you guys can skedaddle.

Booga-booga-booga!

I love interns. Gentlemen, a reminder:

As attendings, you are expected to turn in your paperwork

and your required urine sample by tomorrow.

I'm not planning on doing any paperwork.

I did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your driver's-side car door.

Your lips, my ass, they should meet.

Dorian, after four years, I hope you are no longer following in his footsteps.

I turned in my paperwork already, but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow

to turn in my urine sample out of respect to the fellas in the lab...

There's an asparagus issue.

Now there's an answer that warrants a half-sincere pat on the shoulder.

Thanks, Dr. Kelso!

He said "half-sincere," I think it was full-sincere.

Feel my shoulder, it's warm.

Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician,

you've somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to.

Obviously there was no vote. Because if there had been,

you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, "Nay, oh, dear God,

one thousand times nay!"

That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organization's

one and only bylaw:

- We're men. - Yes, we are.

The women are men. The children are men. The men, of course, men!

So I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five man cards.

Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise,

I'm going to take one from you.

I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards.

Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?

- Thank you. - Damn it!

That night, since we were low on cash, Turk snuck me into the movies.

One, please!

We talked about my living arrangements.

- Are you sure? - You shouldn't stay in a hotel,

so stay here until you find a place.

Carla was psyched to get rid of me. Are you gonna tell?

I don't know. What do you think?

- Turk? Is that you? -

- Yes. I'll be right in, baby. - OK.

Dude, you left your gym shorts in here!

Look, I gotta sex her up. I'll be back as quick as I can,

so it'd be about a hour and a half.

Wait! Could you just quickly scratch my nose?

Ahh. Ooh.

OK. OK. Don't zip me... up!

Turk! Turk!

- -

- I'm a little sick of the Turks. - Excuse me?

Not you, Omar. I love your people.

I'm talking about their lovey-dovey crap.

Babe, I borrowed your backpack this morning and my change fell out.

Maybe someone or something had to gnaw a hole in it to keep from suffocating.

Maybe someone already apologized for that about a hundred times.

100 wasn't enough. I don't know.

- Absolutely no lovers' quarrels. - Damn it!

Elliot, what are you doing here?

She hasn't talked to anybody at her new hospital.

- How did this become about me? - The Turks are sneaky.

Not you guys. I think Omar took my pudding.

Mmm.

Hey, Keith! Can I get your pudding?

Uh.

Interns.

You should be excited about meeting people over there.

You could totally reinvent yourself.

You're right!

I'm gonna tell them I am the most perfect doctor ever

who never needs anyone's help with anything!

That'll end well. Dude!

This guy's unbelievable!

OK, for some reason, Mr. Kellerman's fluid situation

isn't getting any better. I think we should be more aggressive. Keith?

- Uh... - Why don't you go get a Lasix drip.

Other way, Keith!

Oh, Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report,

her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," never "bangin' double-Ds."

There's so much paperwork.

My dad was a veterinarian, and he never had to do any.

Sometimes I wish this place were more like a horse hospital.

I'm sorry, Mr. Larson, but I do not like the look of that leg.

- -

We would have better hours. All right, gang, get out of here.

Hey, everybody? Great work today.

How do you bother someone without being around them? That is the question.

Dorian, I'm paying you to work, not stand around acting like the Fonz.

Perfect.

Being Turk's secret roommate was going great...

- - Until now.

Turk? I'm leaving for work.

You've worked on your Turk impression since college.

- Time to shine! - Turk?

I'll be thinking about you

until the second I see you, right now, I'm doing my business.

Don't forget to use the Glade!

Dude! That's the best it's ever sounded!

- I thought she was gone? - Nah, she came back for a quickie.

All this baby stuff, I feel like she rushed me into it.

I'm not sure I'm ready.

Get ready, she's been off the pill for a week.

What have you done?

Think she'll be mad?

Dr. Reid? Need some help?

I don't need anyone's help.

Stop running!

Doctor, do you know where the Foley caths are?

Sir, I know where everything is.

Be right back.

Stupid coffee robot! Frick!

Don't sweat it. I used to hide here when I worked at this place.

I'm on a fellowship now. Foley cath, please.