Krampus

I come tonight to warn you that you will be visited by three spirits.

What?

Was that the chance of hope that you mentioned, Jacob?

It was.

And you have yet the chance and hope of escaping my fate!

A chance and hope of my procuring, Ebenezer.

Thank you, Jacob.

Expect the first when the bell tolls one.

Shut up, Beth!

I don't care who started it, Max!

Ben Kuklinski started it and everybody knows it.

You even have the whole thing on video!

And you're gonna write an apology to the rest of your class

- for ruining the recital. - What were you thinking, Max?

That kid was twice your size!

Yeah, but Ben Kuklinski is always ragging on Christmas.

He even told the first graders that Santa

was just a cheap marketing ploy invented to sell Pepsi.

- Coke. - You know what I mean.

But not why you care.

Well, someone's gotta.

Here, let me see.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Eh, it's not so bad. Just keep icing it.

And was drop-kicking him into the manger

really the best way to handle this?

Okay, that was not my fault, I was under the influence.

Alls I had to eat was Christmas fudge and candy canes!

Well, I hate to sound harsh,

but every kid has to learn the truth someday.

Oh, I know, I just...

I didn't want it ruined.

For the little kids.

But is this a war on Christmas,

a war on over-political correctness, or...

- Looks great, Mom. - A bunch of people who are just

way too easily offended?

Don't work too hard, though,

Sarah bought a bunch of cookies at the store.

It's Roger.

Thought you said you weren't working over Christmas?

I said no traveling over Christmas,

I still have to take a few calls.

Hey, Roger, what's up?

Wait, guys, aren't we still gonna watch Charlie Brown

and wrap Christmas presents like always?

You know what, after what you pulled, you can do that alone, and quick!

Your cousins get here any minute.

Yeah, Roger.

Oh, it's a Christmas cluster F over here.

Beth, help me hang this.

Wait, Mom, aren't we gonna watch Charlie Brown?

I started, but...

I don't know what to ask for this year.

- Come here? - Because they are

our family, Beth!

- And it's only for a few days. - Well, I'm not sharing my room

with girls who pee standing up!

Last year I found shit in my bed, Mom.

Human shit!

For the last time, that was their dog!

"They're why some people shouldn't be allowed to breed!"

Your words, Mom, not mine!

I never said that!

I said maybe they should have to take a test

before they're allowed to breed.

Thanks, Omi.

Omi?

Hm?

Do you still really believe in Santa?

What do you mean?

Yeah, my cousins are crawling outta the shallow end

of the gene pool, so everyone's a little on edge.

Your mom popping Xanax again?

Like candy.

Tonight we're making a Japanese snowflake tree or some crap.

Takes a lotta work to make our family

look more awesome than it actually is, you know?

I like snowflakes, but I like my plan a lot better.

Very enticing,

but I think I'm stuck here.

Come on, people have escaped from Alcatraz before,

and I'm only four blocks away!

What?

What's wrong?

Everything.

Oh, crap.

Oh, crap.

Will you two knock it off?

Howie, stop ringing the doorbell!

- Well, carry something! - Howie, cut it out!

Okay, it's Christmas.

It's Christmas.

It's Christmas.

- Merry Christmas! - Hey, sis, merry Christmas.

Oh, gosh, I'm so glad you guys could make it!

Oh, you have no idea!

Accidents all over the freeways

and nothing but crazy talk radio for six hours.

- Hey! - We brought you a little taste of home,

- though, didn't we? - Oh, wow!

Thank you, it looks... Wow!

- You're welcome. - Come on, Linda, move it, move it!

We don't have to keep the traffic jam going now.

- Howard, let me help you... - Oh no, get...

- It's all right, Tom. - Thanks, Tommy.

- Sorry about that. - You give the butler the night off,

- did you? - Ha ha, yeah.

Yeah, we, uh, brought Rosie.

You don't have a cat, do you?

It's fine, it's fine, right? It's fine.

Merry Christmas, girls! Come on in!

Don't you look cute in your matching jackets?

They're just a little cranky 'cause the Steelers lost, so...

Uh, Jordan, Stevie, why don't you tell your Aunt Sarah

about your Presidential Fitness Award, huh?

- It's a good story. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Hey, Howie.

So what'd you ask Santa for this year?

- They're really nice. - They did look pretty good.

- It looks bigger in here. - Um, toy car?

Look what Max has got in his pocket. A letter to Santa.

Video games?

Phone?

Dialysis?

- That long drive. - Thank you. Thank you, guys.

Where do you want this stuff, Tom, just anywhere?

Yeah, uh...

Christ on a stick, would it kill you to shovel your walk?

I could've broken a hip out there!

Surprise!

Please don't be mad.

Oh, Aunt Dorothy, it's so great to see you.

Yeah, well, your sister's no Mother Teresa,

but at least she swings by every once in a while

to make sure that I'm not dead.

So where's the nog?

I need to get merry!

Uh, it... it's in the kitchen. Help yourself.

- Oh, Tom, let me take that. - Oh, hey! That's okay, that's okay.

Lord Almighty.

Looks like Martha Stewart threw up in here.

- We left the door open... - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- We're such a mess, honestly. - Gosh!

- Six hours, I mean, come on! - Uh...

Sorry, wasn't there another...?

Hm?

Child?

Chrissy! Darn it!

Jordan, I told you to bring her inside!

- Not my kid. - Come on, girls!

- Tommy, help me get the baby... - Yeah.

And the rest of the girl crap out of the truck.

Do you mind? Thank you.

All right, let's make some memories, huh?

Thank you, honey! Thank you! Oh, my goodness.

A holiday roast is a surprise.

Hemorrhoids are a surprise.

She is a goddamn nightmare! What were you thinking?

Come on, she's not that bad!

- Oh! - She's not!

Besides, she tricked me, okay?

I thought we were just dropping off gifts and she came to the door with a suitcase.

What was I supposed to do, tell her she has to spend Christmas by herself?

No, but at least you could've warned me

when one of your mistakes is gonna become my problem.

You think everything I do is a mistake.

Sorry, look out!

Look out!

- Hey, honey. - Ooh, oh!

I think this warhead's armed.

Wow, you're so stinky!

Okay, I'm gonna go change her.

Let's go this way.

Just set that up wherever you want, T.

The whole truck smells like shit.

So what's for dinner?

That's my boy!

That's my boy!

It sure is.

I'm gettin' Howie Jr. into game shape.