The Late Shift

Geez, how late is fotoma open ?

i do wanna thank you all for your Patience,

we are now obviously ready to go.

I'm Howard stringer,

and, as president of CBS entertainment,

it is my singular pleasure, and a great moment for us,

to be able to bring this great star to CBS,

David letterman !

I never dated Amy Fisher !

I fixed her car, i helped her with her homework,

and, that's all, alright, thank you.

Alright, I'll take some questions,

and, then, Colin Powell will be in here,

and update you on the bombing.

I do wanna thank CBS for their support,

and, of course, for their generosity,

I mean, wow, this is a deal,

that would put a smile on Jack Benny's face,

and that's in the condition he's in right now !

Does g.E. Make the best managers for a television network ?

What was the question ?

Oh, yeah, no, you know, i don't know about that,

but, they make a darn fine toaster oven.

( "Say hello say good-bye" instrumental )

C'mon, Paul, we gotta do a show.

Dave, I have a terrible case of the hiccups.

You tried holding your breath ? everything.

I got an idea, hold on.

What are you doing ?

Just put that on your head there,

breathe normally, there, Paul.

Okay.

I'm breathin'.

How was that, you feel any better ?

Oh, gosh.

Sorry...

Must've been something I ate.

it's bloody marvelous.

The tonight show, Johnny's guest host tonight is,

Jay leno !

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jay-y-y leno !

Thank you !

Thank you !

Wonderful, wonderful, that's nice to hear,

now, did you all see in the paper,

there's a survey that says that you're safer,

and, now this is true, you're safer,

on an airplane than you are in your own bathroom.

Do you believe that ? do you think that's true ?

I don't know, I've never slipped on the toilet seat,

and fallen 35,000 feet !

I mean, I never adjusted the shower rod,

and had a fire ball come out and incinerate me.

So, why can't we just throw money at one of them ?

What sort of offer do you have in mind ?

What does it matter ?

"Late night's" making $70 million a year for nbc.

Where's our bloody piece ?

That would have been Mr. sajak.

Oh, Christ, what a disaster.

He's got a lock on every blue-haired old biddy,

who ever watched "wheel of fortune".

Do you know how many of our stations,

are canceling him for arsenio ?

It's like they're canceling him before we can.

Look at these fucking numbers when leno fills in for Carson.

And letterman.

Nbc has him signed through '93.

Well, what about leno ?

Nbc only has a one-year holding deal with Jay.

That's nothing, he could be ripe.

So let's steal him !

We can give him a show now, for christssakes.

I'll push sajak over a cliff if we can get leno.

They might fight for him.

Let them.

They can't fight equally for leno and letterman.

They're not gonna offer both, Carson's spot when he retires.

This is the best opportunity we've ever had,

to break nbc's strangle-hold on late night.

Okay, Howard.

Let's go stir something up.

And, you know, we can knock it out,

in one fell swoop.

Oh !

Oh, bouncy up here !

We gotta do a commercial here, boys and girls,

we'll be right back with more Sandra bernhard.

I'm havin' a blast,

thanks for havin' me back on Dave.

How you doin' ?

What do you want the number of my therapist ?

You should be thrilled with your life.

It wasn't that bad, Dave.

Okay, we had a little trouble with the first bit,

but Sandra was good, and you were good with her.

I sucked, morty,

and the whole show sucked because I sucked.

I don't belong on network television,

I belong in muncie, driving gravel.

You got great laughs.

Oh, bullshit, if that audience was any deader,

there'd be guys in lab coats,

going through harvesting organs.

Those dorks at nbc probably steered in the crowd,

waiting in line for donahue, by mistake.

It's their way of sending a message.

What message ? the message,

giving Jay the job as permanent guest host for Johnny.

They didn't make him guest host to mess with you.

They do everything to mess with me.

Renting out our studio in the morning, to Maury povich ?!

Laurie, I need some coffee. Great show.

Yeah.

I mean, when are we supposed to rehearse ?

Am I supposed to move my camera around a bunch of bald women,

with eating disorders ?

We won't let that happen, Dave. We'll do something about it.

Gosh, morty, I know, we could boycott the show.

They'll probably use that as an excuse to fire me.

oh, come on, Dave.

I fucked up number six--

no, you didn't.

It was the only decent joke in the whole fucking show--

it was funny !

It was funny, I wasn't. Let me see the tape.

Take a breather !

Give me the fuckin' tape.

oh, man,

oh, for chrissake's !

Jesus, do I suck !

Oh, that's good,

I should've jumped in right there !

listen, you cheap, fuckin' bastard,

it's one lousy table, $10,000 !

That's chump change !

that's extortion, Helen.

It's not extortion, it's charity, for god's sake.

It's for pediatric aids.

You selfish prick !

don't flatter me ! put me down for two.

what ? two tables.

You are such a mensch !

Yes, I still love you.

See, that didn't hurt very bad.

So, we can have dinner, honey.

I gotta go,

I gotta go, Jay's here.

Bye.

How ya doin' ? here's your tickets.

Where am I going this time ?

Come, I'll walk you to the car.

That's mine.

I gotta know my future.

I know your future, follow me !

you're playing "joe laffs" in green bay, Friday.

The nbc affiliate is w.L.U.K.

Good luck, huh ?

I'm getting you in just in time to do the noon news.

That's good, I'm sure there's a lot of people,

watching the noon news in green bay.

Don't give me shit.

Those local stations are gonna get you "the tonight show".

Here, I wanna show you somethin' look at this.

Not another goddamn motorcycle, i don't have the time.

Helen, hold on.

Take a second, look at this motorcycle.

"To j. L.,

crank it on up and ride over to CBS forever."

It's a rare bike, do you what this cost them ?

No, I don't know what it cost,

but, I know what it means.

Hi. hello.

Table for two ? please.

Are you sure this is the place for a good corned beef sandwich ?

Yeah.

She wanted discreet.

I don't think anybody from nbc will be dropping--

oh, Jesus.

What ?

Arnie kleiner from Paramount,

just walked in with some other guy.

Will they know Helen ?

Here she comes.

You said we'd have privacy here,

I just saw Arnie kleiner in the corner downing a thai beer.

Oh my god, Howard stringer.

A pleasure to meet you, Helen.

Rod said we'd just talk a little business over lunch,

this looks like a little more than lunch.

Of course it is,

we wouldn't wanna waste your valued time.

Alright...

Now, we think the world of Jay.

We've noticed what he's been doing filling in for Carson,

and we think he's ready to be a star, right now.

And, we have something no one else can offer him.

11:30, wide open.

Holy shit,