Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Lastly, on a personal note,

as many of you know,

Kevin and I have recently reconciled.

- Noice. Somebody's getting some.

- It's true. I am. Now, when we originally wed,

we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal,

so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony.

- Do you, Kevin-- - Yes.

- And do you-- - Yes. Yes, we do.

We're married.

Kevin has always regretted it,

so we're having a vow renewal ceremony.

This time, we're pulling out all the stops.

It's will be a truly extravagant affair.

- Oh, how extravagant are we talking?

Champagne pyramid? - Destination wedding?

Celebrity officiant?

We got the salad forks.

Can you believe it, a second fork?

Who do we think we are?

Oh, no. You're shocked at how garish it is.

Now I don't even wanna tell you

the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.

- Wait, let me guess. You're getting bread plates?

- Don't be absurd. We're not crazy.

No, the big surprise is...

I'm retiring from the NYPD.

Wait.

What?

- Why did you lead with the salad forks?

You're leaving the NYPD?

My preoccupation with my job

has been a point of contention with Kevin for some time now.

I wanna show him that our relationship comes first.

- But, sir, it's too soon for you to retire.

We didn't even get to do one final cool case together.

The last thing we worked

was finding that kid's missing mitten.

- I thought that was rewarding and poignant.

It was boring as crap!

- What were you hoping for otherwise?

I'm so glad you asked.

We hunt down a serial killer, stare death in the face,

and then in the final battle, you save my life

and I say to you, "How can I ever repay you?"

And you say, "You already have."

Then you jump on your motorcycle,

drive off, never to be seen again.

- I don't have a motorcycle, but Kevin and I

did just purchase recumbent bicycles.

you, Captain Holt.

Anyway, I already have

a cool final case that I'm working on:

the police reform proposal that Santiago and I

have been toiling over for these past six months.

- Oh, my God, I didn't even think about Amy.

She's gonna be devastated.

- Which is why I made sure she wasn't here when I told you.

I need Santiago laser-focused on this proposal.

We can tell her after we turn the report in.

Hopefully, you can keep the news to yourselves for now.

- Sir, she's my wife. I can't lie to her.

- What about that time you spent $1,000

on a Patrick Ewing Top Shot?

- That wasn't a lie. I just didn't tell her.

But she's gonna be happy about it, because that Top Shot

is currently worth--oh, no.

I will keep your secret for $992.

- Deal. - Great, let's lie to my wife.

Ah, hello.

Thank you for coming early to help out.

There's a lot to do since we decided to go so over the top.

I mean, look at the napkins.

We're going with a pretty whimsical fold...

lengthwise.

That is...funny.

- The intent was whimsy, not humor.

Now you have me doubting everything.

Where's--where's Raymond?

- You know what? I'll go find him.

I got something I wanna ask him anyway.

There you are. Why are you hiding?

- Oh, I was just looking at pornography.

I felt an urgent need to watch some men taking a bath.

What?

- Okay, fine, you caught me. I was checking my email.

- And that's worse than watching porn?

Much worse.

Kevin can't know I'm working on our special day.

But I just received an email from my contact

at One Police Plaza about our reform proposal.

- Ah, yeah, speaking of that, now that the report is done,

can you please tell Amy you're retiring?

I don't like lying to her.

- So then you told her about the Top Shot?

- I didn't need to because I traded it for an investment

in The Rock's new cryptocurrency,

which is currently worth--

oh, no, what happened to RockCoin?

- We can't tell her. Things aren't settled.

The brass is having a closed-door meeting today

about our reform proposal, but apparently,

the union is gonna claim that we fudged our numbers.

That's crazy.

Amy would never fudge numbers. She loves numbers.

Sometimes I think she loves them more than me.

Stupid numbers, think they're so great.

I'd love to see numbers give you a baby.

- I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now.

I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled

"Handyman fixes squeaky door, customer."

Oh, my God.

What? This isn't correct.

Somebody changed these since last night.

Wait.

I bet O'Sullivan hacked into the system.

Do you know what this means?

- They're trying to kill... - Jake and Holt...

- Police reform. - Have a final case.

Yep. Mm-hmm.

Two equally important sets of stakes.

- He claims you messed with the numbers?

That son of a bitch.

- I would never fabricate numbers.

I love numbers.

- Numbers can't be a father to your child, Amy.

- So what are we gonna do? - I have a plan.

We can prove that O'Sullivan changed the CompStat numbers

if we find this. - What is that, a bed?

- No, that's a cheese grater. - It's his computer.

Obviously, I should have had Terry do the drawings.

Fortunately, I know how to find his personal computer

thanks to his YouTube rants about the NHL.

This is "Islanders Talk,"

and today's topic: can hockey have female fans?

Yeah, he's not a good person.

Anyway, those videos are taken in the "man cave"

in O'Sullivan's basement,

so that's gotta be where his laptop is.

Holt and I will be infiltrating his house and retrieving it.

- How are you gonna get past him?

He won't be home.

We're gonna lure him out using his one weakness.

- Rare Billy Joel memorabilia sale?

- Oh, that's nice, hear. - Ah.

- O'Sullivan will meet with an ex-roadie

named Geronimo Rodriguez,

who will actually be an undercover Terry Jeffords,

our resident Billy Joel superfan.

It was one time.

You caught me lip-synching to "Uptown Girl" one time.

- Nope, he's your favorite singer; everybody knows it.

And you're the only one

O'Sullivan hasn't interacted with.

If he stumps you, Santiago will be nearby,

feeding you Billy Joel facts into your ear.

- You guys need to keep him busy

and then use a piece of fake memorabilia

to get a fingerprint we can use to unlock his laptop.

- What am I doing? - You, Charles, and Scully

will be here, distracting Kevin

and making sure he doesn't know Holt's working.

- And who will be on Cheddar duty?

- I mean, can't we just distract him with a bone?

Bone?

Bone? - Yeah.

Bone?

Cheddar's not some street rat.

This is never gonna work. - Yes, it will.

Just give me 90 minutes, and I promise

I will get you back in time for your vows.

- Fine, but if there are any complications, I pull the plug.

The ceremony is too important.

Kevin cannot find out what we're up to.

He won't, I promise.

Raymond?

What are you all doing in here?

Peralta's watching porn.

- What? - What?

Peralta's watching a handyman

repair a squeaky door and then his customer.

Is that true, Jake?

Yes.

- I wish I could say I was surprised.

- Told you it was a great cover.

- Okay, if we wanna get past O'Sullivan's ma,

we need undercover personas.

I'm thinking you will be Maxwell Maxwell,

international playboy and black ops specialist.

He'd had affairs on every continent,

but his true mistress is danger.

- I thought you learned your lesson

about turning police work into movies.

- Yeah, I did, but this is a movie about reform.

I mean, isn't that a movie you'd wanna see?

The only movie I wanna see

is called "The World of Mosses."

It's a documentary about the world of mosses.

It sounds bad.

Now, we will go in dressed