Santa Clarita Diet

Guess what Kelly told me last night?

She and Ben are selling their home. It's a beautiful property.

Great location, new kitchen, marble countertops.

Detached bonus room. I think they'll give us the listing.

Joel, sweetheart.

The listing. That'd be great, honey.

We can't be realtors if we don't have listings.

It's so basic. It's so fucking basic.

Oh, my...

- Would've been nice to have the lid. - I couldn't find it.

Right.

You'd think it would've been stored with the container, is all.

I can look for it when we get home, sweetheart.

When we get home?

What good would the lid be

when our container is stuffed with half a fucking body,

and is buried in the fucking desert... honey?

- You're swearing a lot tonight. - Yeah, I've noticed that too.

Well, obviously, sweetie, I didn't know we'd be burying the container.

What did you think, honeybunch?

We'd take it home with us and clean it out and use it to store our taxes,

which we can't do because it doesn't have a fucking lid.

- Fine, I won't look for it. - Oh, shit. Someone's coming.

Oh, crap!

- Who could be out here? - I don't know.

- Hurry. Let's get this in the ground. - Okay.

Aah!

Do not bring up the lid.

Come on, scoop this up, get it in the hole.

- We can't get caught. - I know.

Who will take care of Abby? We can't leave Abby.

I know.

Hurry, get up.

Act casual.

Really? This is what we're doing?

Okay, we say we came across this murder site and we're just cleaning it up.

- Who cleans up murder sites? - I don't know. We're Mormons.

- Mormons don't clean up murder sites. - Mormons are helpful.

Yeah, I'm just not seeing it.

Yaaah!

- Joel, no! - Dad, stop!

Oh.

Abby, what are you doing here?

I saw the broken toaster in the yard, and there was blood on the lawn,

and no one was home, and I didn't know what was happening.

So she came to me for help. I'm pretty calm in a crisis.

Eric borrowed his stepdad's car.

Please don't tell Dan. He loves this car.

Keeps it covered with a blanket in the garage,

which is how I'll end up if he finds out I took it.

- How did you find us? - You put that tracker app on our phones.

Oh, yeah, that thing's great. So I guess we'll see you at home, then.

- Oh, my God, did you kill someone? - No! Jesus! We were out for a drive...

Yes, I did.

Okay, we're not gonna lie. Would've been good to know.

He was not a good man, Abby. He didn't listen to my words.

- Stay down, Gary. - But you only ate some of him?

He weighed, like, 180 pounds.

Ah, the undead equivalent of over-ordering.

Honey, I did not want to get you or your dad involved in this.

Your mom is a monster. I ate someone.

And if you want me to go away, I will.

No one's going anywhere.

Yeah.

Sorry. The less time spent at a crime scene, the better.

What do you know about it?

My stepdad's a cop and I enjoy the Internet,

and the first thing about crime is you don't wanna get caught.

- Did this guy have a family? - No.

- He moved here, like, a week ago. - Perfect.

Uh, you didn't eat his keys, did you?

We toss Gary's bag, drive his car to Burbank, and leave it at the airport.

Guy like Gary, hopefully, people will just think he skipped town.

That's ingenious.

We should be ingenious more often. It's kinda fun.

I disagree.

In fact, until we solve whatever this is, I'd like you to meet me halfway.

At least, control some of your impulses.

- I swear, I did not have sex with Gary. - I believe you.

But I did eat his balls.

Well, one of them. Does that count as meeting you halfway?

What I meant was, it'd be good for everyone

if, from now on, you only ate chicken or beef.

Oh, yeah. Okay, totally, I agree.

And we need to return the Range Rover.

- Sheila? - Fine.

I should've eaten both of his balls.

It'd be great if we didn't talk about Gary's balls anymore.

Sure. They were tiny anyway.

What? I thought you'd like that.

This will mask any traces of blood.

But tell your dad to dilute it three-to-one or he'll kill his lawn.

- Intense night, huh? - Yeah.

Thank you, Eric.

"Thank you, Eric."

Carl called. He's mad because he can't find Gary.

Because he's, you know, buried half-eaten in the desert,

without a lid, which I did find, by the way.

I found something, too.

Not as exciting as a lid without a box, but maybe more useful.

There's a virologist at City College who specializes in rare viruses.

I'm gonna go see him,

get a second opinion from someone who's not 16.

Okay. That's great, honey.

But why didn't you tell me that Gary stole the Peterson listing from us?

Well, there was a lot going on, what with you killing him.

Well, that couple is going back to the house today,

and Carl said if Gary doesn't turn up, which he won't,

or, at least, not enough of him to show a house,

he wants us to do it.

This is good.

We should get our lives back to normal anyway, so no one gets suspicious.

- Why not show a house? - I agree. I'm gonna get dressed and go.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - What? You're going to see the virus guy.

I'll pick you up after, and we'll go to the house together.

Don't you trust me?

Well, you did disembowel a man and buy a Range Rover yesterday.

- Speaking of the Range Rover... - Which we have to return.

It can't be returned. State law.

New automobile sales are final.

Damn you, California, for making us own such a super nice car.

Don't worry, Joel.

We're gonna sell the Peterson house... together.

We really need to now.

I love you, Joel.

Thank you for being my husband.

I love you too, Sheila. We're gonna figure this out.

Yeah, but later.

'Cause right now, I want to hump like a rescue dog at a Rite Aid.

Hey, porn stars.

- Oh. - Gah.

Dan's in the backyard looking at our grass.

- A good development? I don't think so. - I'll go see what's up.

- Are you okay, sweetheart? - Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm 16. I can deal with shit.

By the way, I'm gonna be swearing in front of you guys now.

Fair enough.

And I'm only gonna be eating packaged meats from now on.

We're gonna get our lives back to normal. We'll just have this little family secret.

Kind of like the time when Dad got himself in the paper

for putting out that fire he started.

This isn't hanging a piñata too close to the campfire.

There's a cop in our backyard who could send you to jail for murder.

I'm going.

Hey, Dan. What's up?

Noticed you were spraying your lawn in the night with some kind of chemical.

Yeah.

- We have ants. - Ants?

Yeah. You know...

They don't look like that, but we have them.

And you needed to spray for them at 2:45 in the morning?

- I was up. I figured they were, too. - What's going on?

Apparently, Dan saw us out here last night and was wondering what we were doing.

How about it's none of your fucking business, Dan?

Maybe that's what we were doing.

I bet, as sheriff deputy, people don't usually talk to you like that

because it only arouses suspicion, where there shouldn't be any.

So we were spraying for ants and that's settled.

Listen, it's not great that you walk into our yard like this.

So let's not do that anymore.

You wanna stay on top of an ant problem, Joel.

It could overwhelm you.

Right... but remember my thing, too.

Excuse me.

Do you know where I might find Dr. Hasmedi's office?

- What do you need him for? - I... just have a few questions.

Fine. Don't tell me.

I'm fucking with you, man. No one tells me anything, so we're cool.

End of the hall, make a left, then a right.

Thank you.

Whatever... douchebag.

- Come in. - Dr. Hasmedi?

- Yes? - Hi, I'm Joel Wichita.

Wichita, like the city?

I guess.

I just have a few questions about something that's happening to a friend

that I'm wondering if might be a virus and where I might go for help.

Mmm.

Uh-oh.

So the person's blood is dry?

Not like a powder, more... just thick.

Kind of a tar-like substance.

- Tar? - Like substance.

- And they only eat raw meat. - That's right. And...

they threw up this.

Hmm.

I didn't have formaldehyde, so I saved it in olive oil.

That was good thinking.

Do you mind if I ask a colleague to join us?

If you think that'll help, great.

Hey. Wait, why aren't you in class?

After last night, school just seems so trivial.

I could not listen to Mrs. Flothman talk about the Punic Wars.

So you're just leaving?

Yeah, like the Punics did from Sicily. Huh. I was listening.

Who is this?

Oh, uh, I built him for science. He can walk and talk.

King Robot Baratheon, say hi to Abby.

Fucking thing. I spent like six weeks on it.

- Well, good luck. - Wait. Where are you going?