Needful Things

My God.

There's an awning on the new store.

There's still soap on all the windows.

SQ?

They're hiding something.

I don't think so, Nettie.

I think it's just going to be some kind of antique store is all.

I'm never going over there.

Hey, Raider. How are you, buddy? Good to see you.

- Hi, Nettie. - Hi.

- ls Polly around? - Gosh, yes. It's lunchtime.

Hi.

- Morning, Frank, Father Meehan. - Hi, Alan.

Good afternoon.

- Smoked turkey on rye? - Not today.

Think I'll try one of your specials today.

So I'll have... What's that? I'll have that. Delicious salami...

provolone, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and two kinds of mustard in a pita pocket.

I wouldn't.

Okay, how about smoked turkey on rye?

Good order.

- Smoked turkey, rye! - And a big piece of Nettie's apple pie.

So how's your day so far?

A little crazy, actually. Did I tell you I got the photos back...

"You won't believe your eyes.

"Needful things.

"A new kind of store.

"You won't believe your eyes."

It says so right there.

Then it must be true.

So, who's the new owner?

Nobody knows. Not from around here is all.

Aren't you supposed to be in school?

Got a cold.

Hello?

- ls anyone here? - I'm here.

The door was unlocked. I didn't bust in.

Of course it's unlocked. I'm open.

You've been here before.

- No. - Sure you have.

I never forget a face.

Who are you?

My name is Leland Gaunt. And you are?

Brian Rusk.

Nice meeting you, sir.

I'm equally pleased to make your acquaintance, Master Brian.

Now, what would you fancy?

- Fancy? - What would you like?

Everything that's here is for sale, but not everything that's for sale is here.

I have a basement, you see.

Are you from overseas somewhere?

I'm from Akron.

- Where's that? England? - That's in Ohio.

What do you know?

There's Wilma Jerzyk and her husband Pete.

What do you suppose they're up to?

Buying feed for their turkey farm?

Roast turkey?

No, she's a crazy person.

Now, what'|| it be? A Walkman!

- A mountain bike. - I already got one.

- Air Jordans. - I don't know.

- Sure, yeah, I guess. - Of course not.

Those are just objects, aren't they? Just things. Nothing really important.

Suppose you had one wish, Brian.

What would you say?

- A wish? - One wish. Just one. To make you happy.

What would make you happy again? Let's see, where do we start?

- What could I possibly have around here... - Mickey Mantle?

- Little before your time, wasn't he? - Yeah. I meant the baseball card.

I mean, me and my dad, we used to collect them.

Topps or Fleers?

Topps. We had a whole collection of 56 baseball cards.

Al Kaline, Whitey Ford, Roy Campanella, guys of that caliber?

We have every Yankee except Mickey Mantle.

I mean, Moose Skowron was over $65.

Skowron is one thing.

Mickey Mantle. That's got to run $600, $700.

You asked me.

I believe I might have something that'|| make you very happy, Brian.

Stay right here.

My God. Look at my butt.

- I look awful. - No, you look fabulous.

Pol, you know how...

you're always saying that I'm not all that serious about us?

This is your camera, right? I don't look like this.

- I'll commit suicide if I look like this. - Polly, l...

Will you marry me?

Sure, whenever you're serious about it. I gotta check Nettie.

Make sure she doesn't burn the French fries again and put me in the poor house.

Polly...

I am serious.

Mickey Mantle!

"Topps, 1956. "

Signed, "To my good friend Brian. "

Wait a minute. Brian is my name. That's impossible.

"Best wishes, Mickey Mantle. " Now, close your eyes, Brian.

Close your eyes.

Now, then. How much would you pay for this card, Brian?

Mickey Mantle. Topps, 1956.

Signed, "To my good friend Brian. "

No, listen, all I got here...

The buyer must never tell the seller how much he has.

If you can't tell a lie, then be still.

The first rule of fair trade, Master Brian.

- So what do you think? - I can't breathe yet.

It's not as great as it looks. I got it off the TV.

Such a liar.

- Put it on? - Yeah.

Does that mean yes?

- Yeah. Yeah? - Yes.

No.

95 cents!

Now we're getting somewhere.

Not quite enough, okay? But an intriguing offer nonetheless.

Let's call it...

half the price, shall we?

Yes. Half the price is 95 cents.

The price you paid cash.

The rest...

the other half is a deed. You understand?

- A deed? - A trick. More like a tiny prank.

No big deal. And no one's ever going to suspect you.

I promise.

Do you remember that lady we peeked at buying feed across the street?

Yeah, Wilma Jerzyk. The turkey farmer.

You know where she lives?

Out of the car.

I said, "Get out of the car. "

Now.

ls this your name on this goddamn ticket, Ridgewick, or is it a forgery?

- You're parked in the crip space. - The what?

- You can't come in here... - The what?

The handicapped space. We've told you about it before, Buster...

What did you call me? Did you call me Buster?

Touch me again, I'll throw you in the cell! I mean it!

It's Danforth! Danforth Keeton Ill...

who is Head Selectman of this piss pot little town.

I could get you fired off the force in two... Make that one second flat.

- Am I getting through to you, Norris? - I told him to write the ticket.

In that case, my mistake.

Jesus, Dan, what in hell's got into you today?

Nothing got into me! I'm just sick and tired of self-important little pricks.

- Pusillanimous assholes... - That's enough!

I try to do a lot for this town. I accomplish a lot for this town.

In fact, I am this town. And I am sick and tired of this goddamn persecution.

- I am not persecuting you, Danforth. - He called me Buster!

- You know how I feel about that. - Then he'll apologize.

Won't you, Norris?

- Don't know that I will. - You will.

Now.

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry that I called you Buster. - Yeah, you mama's boy. You candy-assed...

Shut up, you bloated, cigar-sucking used car salesman.

Boats, shithead!

I sell quality preowned yachts, you miserable fucking scuzz bucket...

Shut up! Shut up!

When I moved here, I thought, "Great, I'm out of the big city. "

I'm in a place where people won't be crawling up each other's asshole every day.

Where maybe my biggest nightmare was gonna be getting a cat out of a tree.

But forget that! Everybody is insane everywhere!

So you guys just fight it out between you.

One of you kill each other, and who's ever left, I'll throw in jail.

You can do it. I know you can. He's not gonna bite.

But what will I say?

You introduce yourself. "Hi. I'm Nettie."

Then what?

Nettie, just go. You'll be fine.

Go on.

Hi. I'm Nettie.

Thank you.

It's only 19th century. I'm sorry.

Enjoy your purchases.

What's this? Some old wood chisel?

It belonged to a cabinet maker at Chateau de Versailles...

in the days of Louis XVI.

Look at this, Pete. Looks pretty old.

Yep.

My God. I didn't think we had room for another soul in here.

Hi. My name is Nettie.

That stupid dog barks at me once more...

I won't bother complaining to Sheriff Pangborn again.

- I'll come over your place, skin him alive. - No, not in here. Dear God, please!

- Throw her Baptist ass in the street. - I will not.

Dear ladies, let's all be friends. Can't we all be friends?

Not in this life.

Please, not in my place.

I'm sorry. Ladies, excuse me!

Miss Jerzyk!

Pick it up. Go ahead. Go on.

Don't be afraid, Miss Cobb.

No. I had one just like it years ago. But it got broke.

- My husband... - Your husband?

Then it's Mrs. Cobb.

Although my George has been passed on for some time now.

- He died, untimely. - I'm so sorry to hear that.

No need to be sorry. It's been seven years since he was...

Murder is awful.

- I didn't mean to. - Of course not.

It wasn't you who took that meat fork from the drawer...